Suzanne says: December 15, 2012 at 11:11 am
Hi everyone,
Being a muslim girl (24 years) from western europe in a serious committed relationship since last 3,5 years with a wonderful hindu-punjabi boy from Delhi it has opened my mind even more.
I was before my boyfriend a narrow minded muslim with a strong (negative) opinion about other religions, but because of the relationship with my boyfriend it has changed me in a positive way.
Unfortunately, my family will disown me if i continue with him but i am willing to take that risk since i believe that your own happiness is really important. I am in the process of obtaining my masters degree in a few months and he is successful in his own business as well.
If we ever get married, our marriage will be according to hindu rituals and our religious views are liberal; humanity is more important than believing in a particular god.
SInce we are together we have celebrated both hindu and muslims festivals and it felt really good. Our kids will have a liberal upbringing with mainly hindu influences but they are free to choose themselves to believe or not. Also their names will be both indian and arabic because i like the beauty of the names combined not because of the religious aspect.
A few month ago i was almost forced in an arranged marriage, luckily i managed myself to get out of it. I love my parents and family a lot but i find it really hard to marry according to their wishes…But i also find it hard dealing with the fact that they are not willing to accept my decision. I do not want to hurt them but i just cannot give up him because he really has influenced my life in a positive way. He has always supported me to continue my studies and career and he is always there when i need him.
I have told my mother about my relationship with him and she really broke down emotionally and started to blackmailing me that if i continue with him my father will hurt my mom and divorce her. And that i will bring shame to the family and our name will be ruined forever because of my selfish decision. She now thinks i broke up with him…
At times i really feel bad for being in this relationship because i am hurting my family, however i do think that because of the fact i have grown up in a western country and travelled and lived on my own they should be able to understand that my believes are different than theirs.
Psychologically this process of accepting my self the way i am and the relationship i am in has been really hard but at the end worth it. I am not a practicing muslim but culturally a muslim because islam has shaped me while growing up.
I do not agree with islam but i do respect the people practicing it. -Suzanne.
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Satyen says: December 15, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Suzanne,
You are now turned into a matured person who can become her own torch bearer. I agree with all you said. Ony thing is give some more time in order to complete your education i.e. Master’s degree. Next goal should be to settle in your chosen carrier for a source of income, making you financially independent. Meanwhile, you can make it clear to your parents that for now, marriage is not the priority and it will be your choice in this case with all due regards to your parents. (I would have made it clear to them, “If they cannot accept my right to marry with the boy of my choice, they may not see their daughter married”. You can come up with better and more suitable argument). It’s surprising that your dad will divorce your mom due to your misdeeds (in their views). Why should she be punished for your crime(in their views)?
To sum up, wait for some more time to settledown in your career and come up with a practical solution. Meanwhile make them understand that it’s your responsibility to lead a blissful life. -Satyen.
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Suzanne says: December 15, 2012 at 4:08 pm
Thank you Satyen,
I have the same vision for myself for the upcoming year(s). My education and career are the number one priorities at the moment. I will make clear to my parents that my marriage will be suitable for me at a later stage and with someone i choose to be with.
My father works mainly abroad for months and basically has told my mom that the children are her responsibilities. So, if one of the kids makes a mistake my mom usually gets the blame. My parents do not really have the most perfect relationship its more dysfunctional and there is a lack of communication always. With some mental and sometimes in a few cases physical abuse which i have witnessed a couple of times. These dark memories of their fights have marked me for life.
Thanks, -Suz.
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Admin says:
Suzanne,
Satyen has given you great suggestions.
Let us touch on completely two different topics.
Islam is an absolutely monotheist, supremacist and exclusivist religion. It is taught that only Islam is a true religion, whiles all non-Muslims, irrespective of their karma, will get Hell Fire on the Judgment Day. This thinking works well for many, but now you are in the West, a woman, educated and critical thinker. Now you are changed to a pluralist by saying, “we have celebrated both hindu and muslims festivals and it felt really good”, how beautiful! Yes, this World will be much better place when all will learn to tolerate each others. We have written a lot on pluralism (Can Allah be the Father God?, One God, Allah?, Agnotist, I want to be Baptized) and hope you will join us in spreading the message of pluralism.
You have touched on another important subject on wife abuse. You have seen abuses on your mom. What are you thinking for your mom? Do you think your father will ever realize his mistakes and start treating your mother with love and respect? If not, do you think she should keep taking all abuses till she dies, so she could have a better AFTER life? Alternatively, like Madiha, did you ever thought of salvaging your mother in THIS life? -Admin.
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Suzanne says: April 21, 2013 at 12:33 pm
Dear readers,
This is an update regarding my relationship with my hindu boyfriend. As you can read from my initial post, i was willing to go against my family and move on with my own life and etc.
My mind has changed and i decided to break up with my dear boyfriend because of the heavy pressure i am experiencing at the moment from my family in terms of being a good ”muslim” girl that listens to her parents. And also the pressure that my parents have from the community and other family members to keep the family honor high. And i feel responsible for that honor and also very guilty for having the desire to be with my (hindu) boyfriend.
I have lived abroad for a while and i am about to graduate for my masters degree and then return home and be with my parents in order to keep things calm and at peace.
Am i happy making this decision? NO, but perhaps after some time i will be over the break-up and have a more open mind to a potential muslim arranged marriage. I am not at all a practicing muslim but maybe that will also change after staying home with my family.
I am concerned with one issue which is that there is a family who has been proposing to me since almost a year for their son, who is born and raised in pakistan but has got his masters degree from the UK (and no British citizenship). And he is from a good family and etc, but my main concern is that his mentality would be different from mine ( i have lived my whole life in Europe) and obviously i feel like i am also getting used in the sense that he can get a EU passport by marrying me…
My family always wanted me to engage with this guy but i opposed it from the beginning because at that time i was in love and in relationship with my boyfriend and i still am. So i am afraid that once i return i will be pressured to enter this engagement while i will be in a very emotional weak position due to my personal issues of having to break up with my boyfriend and moving back in with my strict religious parents.
I feel like i have no other choice but to go back and try to oppose the engagement. But on the other hand i still have this strong desire to not break up with my boyfriend and go for that job in singapore and enjoy my personal freedom and have the ability to remain in the relationship with my boyfriend. BUT i feel that is not possible because my parents will go through a lot a of pain because of my personal desires and i feel i own them to make them happy despite of my own happiness….
I hope my story makes sense and feel free to express your opinion.
Ps. Please do not post any hate comments about Islam because that is not the issue here -Suzanne
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Also read: Islamic Women Today, Hindu-Muslim marriages, Hindu girl, Muslim girl, Hindu boy, Muslim boy,
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Muslim: Gujarati Patel has attracted me
ok sister tel me one thing if u have born a child they will muslim aor hindu?
I met a paki girl some yrs bk on net n we chatted ever since.she fell in love with me which she admits all the time.I left for US for job n soon she told me about her forced marriage to her czn who os 12 yrs older than her.I wished her happy marrid life but now she has started to contact me n wants me to take her away from ther in l@ws house as she is very un happy.But i am happily married myself which i told her but she doesnt care n wants me to marry her n provide her seperate accomodation as its alowd in her relign .i am in a fix.She doesnt have any kids yet.I hav soft corner for hrr n cant ignore her .wat to do ?
Reply at https://www.interfaithshaadi.org/?p=5512
Correct decission.
Well thought correct decission. Ipray to God to bless you both and grant peace , prosperity and happiness in life.
Dear readers,
This is an update regarding my relationship with my hindu boyfriend. As you can read from my initial post, i was willing to go against my family and move on with my own life and etc.
My mind has changed and i decided to break up with my dear boyfriend because of the heavy pressure i am experiencing at the moment from my family in terms of being a good ”muslim” girl that listens to her parents. And also the pressure that my parents have from the community and other family members to keep the family honor high. And i feel responsible for that honor and also very guilty for having the desire to be with my (hindu) boyfriend.
I have lived abroad for a while and i am about to graduate for my masters degree and then return home and be with my parents in order to keep things calm and at peace.
Am i happy making this decision? NO, but perhaps after some time i will be over the break-up and have a more open mind to a potential muslim arranged marriage. I am not at all a practicing muslim but maybe that will also change after staying home with my family.
I am concerned with one issue which is that there is a family who has been proposing to me since almost a year for their son, who is born and raised in pakistan but has got his masters degree from the UK (and no British citizenship). And he is from a good family and etc, but my main concern is that his mentality would be different from mine ( i have lived my whole life in Europe) and obviously i feel like i am also getting used in the sense that he can get a EU passport by marrying me…
My family always wanted me to engage with this guy but i opposed it from the beginning because at that time i was in love and in relationship with my boyfriend and i still am. So i am afraid that once i return i will be pressured to enter this engagement while i will be in a very emotional weak position due to my personal issues of having to break up with my boyfriend and moving back in with my strict religious parents.
I feel like i have no other choice but to go back and try to oppose the engagement. But on the other hand i still have this strong desire to not break up with my boyfriend and go for that job in singapore and enjoy my personal freedom and have the ability to remain in the relationship with my boyfriend. BUT i feel that is not possible because my parents will go through a lot a of pain because of my personal desires and i feel i own them to make them happy despite of my own happiness….
I hope my story makes sense and feel free to express your opinion.
S.
Ps. Please do not post any hate comments about Islam because that is not the issue here
Suzanne,
You are certainly in a difficult position. On one side you have love, other side you do not believe too much in religion but at the same time you love your parents and culture.
Now you decided to please your parents and be a good Muslim women. But are you sure that you will be able to make them happy for ever? We mean can you really fit in Muslim community and culture and remain happily married? If you get into a divorce, again your parents will be unhappy.
If you are lucky and find a right guy, he may truly respect you and you could have a happy married life. In this case, in a year or two, you will forget your Hindu bf. Finding a right guy is the key to your success. We wish you the best.
However, if you sense that the Muslim guy you married is irrational, do not put up with too much shit. Do not rush to have children. Make him realize that he must have to be an open minded and respectful to wife and others. If in the end you realize that it is not working out, do not waste THIS life with a wrong guy, opt for a divorce. Please keep us posted for how it goes. Best wishes.
Please accept my congratulations for taking bold and nice decision.
Wish you a very happy and prosperous married life. And please when you get marry let me know.
If you did not belive in islam then you are not muslim and go to hell.i belive these stories are fake and antiislamic and do not believe on it. If you want to know about islam vist at http://www.usislam.org
Hi Suzennane
How are you? Any progress for future relationship with your BF?
Myself a software engineer in USA with my Hindu Husband, who was instrumental to bring to this position of my life, very happy and enjoying all sorts of happiness of real married life with two loving kids now.I dont know what would have been my life, had I married to a muslim guy under pressure. Grateful to the almighty
Shall be glad to know update from you.
Hello readers,
I am Razia Baig from Spain, originally from Sindh Pakistan, about 28 years back. Against my wishes, I was married to a Sindhi Pakistani, on so much promises of blissful and graceful life for me after marriage. I was very happy the day I married my muslim husband. He was the first muslim man I knew from Asia and I wanted to be a good muslimah wife and grow closer to Allah and Islam in the marriage. Alhamdullilah I have been able to feel closer to God and discover more about the religion.
But after 6 years of marriage, my husband just turned to me one day and said he wanted to leave me and get a divorce. I was thoroughly shocked and didn’t expect this at all. My husband said he wanted to find happiness in his life which he couldn’t feel in the marriage. I have tried talking to him and telling him that we have everything we ever wanted in our marriage and he should not fall to his “nafs” chasing for more worldly happiness. But he wouldn’t listen and he left, and suddenly I am all alone to fend for myself.
I feel lost and vulnerable. I was the type of wife who has been so faithful, I would never leave the house without my husband, I stayed home to cook, clean, wash for him despite being very educated in western universities and brought up in western culture. I thought that I was fulfilling my responsibility as a a muslim wife to a husband I adored and respected. And he just dumped me high and dry to search for his own “happiness”. I leaarned recently he is out chasing young arab girls to marry again (my husband is almost 40 ). My caucasian friends are all telling I-told-you-so-arab/muslim-men-are-womanisers and that they go chasing after girls half their age. It feels awful when your own husband helps to justify the westerner’s biased perception of Islam.
I feel scared and empty in my life right now. My husband told me what he did is not something wrong and even Islam would approve. He even said that without divorce papers, he could get married quickly in a mosque because he is a man. And women like me get the bad end of the deal in Islamic marriages.
I really wanted to have my husband back. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I begged and cried and humiliated myself. Its not easy out where I lived to find other muslim men, and I ddn’t know if I could go back to seeing caucasian non-muslim men.
Ultimately one day I had to come to Madrid and started to settle down my life again. Came in contact with a Nepali Hindu guy working in the same company. He promises to keep me happy, if I married him.
I have read so many stories of muslim girls tortured and humiliated and one day they marred to non muslim husbands and living a happy life.
I have no problem to adjust with Nepali Hindu, but still I feel it necessary to seek some guidance. My parents are competely demoralized and left at my discretion to marry any one, as their attempt failed bitterly to marry me in muslim community.
Please advise.
Reply at https://www.interfaithshaadi.org/?p=3773
Hi Suzenan,
Domestic violence, abusive language, threatening of talak, mental torture, misbehaviour is a common thing in the muslim community. Even Quran permits wife beating. Taking due congnizance of such practices, it is better for you to marry your Hindu BF and keep mother with you, if your husband agrees. Hopefully he will agree, as Hindus are kind hearted, liberal and adjusting nature. Please dont get your life spoiled by marrying a muslim fundamentalist.
Suzanne,
As pointed out by the Admin and Afreen, ensure your mother that you are behind her even in her marital dissolution. Be her strenght irrespective of who you marry. There is a good possibility, she may support you once she feels secure for her future. You must discuss this possibility with your friend.
Suzanne,
After getting the further inputs from you, the Admin has touched upon excellent points, especially taking the responsibility of your mom once you are on your own. You should also take your friend into confidence in this regard as Madiha, Husna and others have done for their parents.
Thank you Admin & Satyen for your advice.
I must say that i am dealing with two issues which my mother totally disagrees with:
1. Having a relationship with a non-muslim
2. Having secular/liberal views of religion
Adding to that the difficult relationship that my parents have with each other. Both of my parents have been through a lot in their lives and in some cases it kinda explains the behavior of my father (getting angry really fast) and my mothers (being emotional and insecure).
I am battling with so many emotions and thoughts such as other muslim girls in a similar situation like mine. Should i give up my relationship in order to please my parents? Or should i stand up for my own believes and lead my own life?
I wish things were easier but unfortunately whatever decision i will take someone will get hurt…
Thanks,
Suz
Suzanne,
Yes, you have two very difficult choices. There is no win-win easy solution. We are sure that you have lots going on in your mind. Best would be to read experiences of others on this site and also go talk to others for guidance. To be fair, also go and talk to at least 10 imams and learn more on Islam. All these will take time (a year?), but you will reach to a stage where you will be fully ready to do the right thing.
One decision is already made (or should have been made) that you are not going to live the life of your mother. She is “emotional and insecure” because over years, probably, your father has made her weak and dependent. Out of fear of what is coming, now she is making you weak by giving you guilty feeling of betraying parents. So, are you ready to live the life of your mother?
The reason your father (or any one like him) is angry and short tempered because he is a poor communicator and thus has lack of explanation power. Because he cannot explain things rationally, he express his frustration by anger. Angry people are very weak. Now it is time to salvage your father too. Without fear (we assume you are financially independent and living your own life), start direct communication with your father. Initially he is going be very mad, or even be physical with you, but later he will learn the lesson of life.
Make sure your are not jumping from a frying pan to fire. You have seen bad side of Islam, that does not mean all Hindus are good. Make sure your lover has not the bad qualities of your father. Further, go and meet his parents and make sure you will be fully accepted in their home. Before you decide to go against your parents and Islam, make sure there is absolutely no issue on the other (Hindu) side. If you do see any issue, do not hesitate to walk away from that relationship.
Life is long and people have short memory span. So, you have to focus on doing what is right for you, not what is right for your parents or for Islam. If you do decide to marry the Hindu, ultimately your parents will realize their mistake and accept your decision. Along with that sock-therapy, your dad will also learn to respect his wife (your mom). May be, over years, it will turn out win-win for all. Keep us posted. Best wishes.
Admin,
Thank you for your great a dice. It really makes sense. I have done research about islam and i also experienced this religion fully.
I also realize that there are good and bad people in any country or religion. I know that there are many great muslim men out there and also bad hindu men as well.
My hindu boyfriend is an amazing person to be with. Even after 3,5 years i still get amazed by the way he is treating me with respect and kindness. He is in no way similar to my father fortunately.
I have met his family many times and they really adore me. However his father did oppose the idea of us getting married because he thought that i am not able to adjust to their family and the hindu culture in general. Luckily this has not stopped my boyfriend from being with me and his parents are not really against our relationship because they know it is a genuine good solid relationship.
For the time being we both our focussing on our education and careers and hopefully one day we can finally tie the know 🙂
Thanks everyone for the great support.
Suz
Suzanne,
You have covered all grounds and you are on track. Best wishes.
Meantime you are analyzing and deciding on your own situation, come back here and guide others. Best way to learn is to teach. While guiding others, you will learn immensely yourself. When you guide others, there is no love involved that prevent you from critical thinking.
While blogging on other posts, use https://www.interfaithshaadi.org/?p=3751 as your URL so people know who you are.