Trisha says: February 6, 2013 at 4:46 am
Hi..
I’m a Jain Girl, i’m 26 year old.
I have question .. I’m so confuse how to tell my parents about my situation..? Should i tell or Not..? Should go ahead or not..?
I’m in love with a Black American , he is my colleague . We share good chemistry,, I’m working in UAE. and my parents are staying in Back home in India.. they are looking proposal for me.
I like him.. he believe in Vegetarian food habit.. and eat 90% vegetarian.. He has express his feeling many times , he respect my religion.. and my Family Value and He is a very Decent Guy. He has told many time he will take care like anything .. he ask me to talk to my parents also.. and he is ready to to talk with them.. but i haven’t shown seriousness because I’m afraid How would they will behave with him..? .. .. .. ..
I have only one thing in my Mind .. that I wanna Marry him.. as far as i know about my parents are so strict..
Can someone help me .. pls -Trisha
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Admin says:
Dear Trisha,
This is certainly a difficult decision. Married life itself is complex, on top you add inter-faith issues, inter-cultural issues and inter-race issues, and all of a sudden you have lots more to chew and digest.
After like your wishes, “I have only one thing in my Mind .. that I wanna Marry him”, in the West, most (70%?) of marriages ultimately end in divorce. Further, the divorce costs more than the marriage. As we said it before, most marriages fail because your spouse changes after marriage; as a matter of fact no one changes but one fails to realize who truly he or she is while dating. So, take time to know him without emotions of love.
You are 26 and probably wants to settle down. As expected, all parents want to preserve their heritage and culture and wishes you to settled for an arranged marriage with someone from the same faith/caste. However, it is important for you to make them realize that you are now a different person from the girl you were at age 8. You are not going to settle with someone just because your parents are telling you to do, unless the boy recommended by them is fully competent. You are not doing anything wrong and do not carry any guilt feeling. This world is changing and parents have to come to terms with new reality of life.
However, considering now you have power to do make a decision that is right for you, this freedom comes with a heavy price to pay. You need to make sure your decision is a right one, otherwise you will ruin your life and there will not be any shoulder to cry on!
First, you cannot make a rational decision when you are holding hands of your lover and when high sex steroids are flowing in your blood stream. Somehow, you will have to learn to see through this “blind” love.
You are along in UAE and thus you do not have support system to guide you. Don’t worry, we are here to guide you.
How much you know him? We are not talking about his “face-value”, but his culture, family and his childhood? Are his parents divorced? Have you gone and met his parents and place where they live? Can you live his life, AS IS, if you have to? Was his father respecting his mother? Was his father alcoholic? Remember, what goes, comes around!
If he is from American, it is unlikely that you are his first girl. Find out how many girls he has slept with and decide whether you are comfortable with such situation. What would you do if this practice (extra-marital affairs) continues even after your marriage? Do not, never ever, have sexual or even physical relationship if you are searching for truth. He may say anything for sex – a free sex! Without sex or touching you for 6 months, if his needs are not going to be fulfilled, probably he is going to walk away (unless he truly loves you).
Major problem with East-West relationships is that the Westerns have plenty of experience dating (like a professional dater!) while in many cases, for the Eastern girl it is the first guy who ever touched them. How much prior dating experience do you have? If you are naive dater, be careful. It is like, in Cricket terms, a first time ever bowler verses a century batsman! You are prone to make mistakes. We feel Eastern parents should let their children date to have experiences considering many of Easterns end up marrying outside their faith.
What is wrong in going and checking out what kind of Jain (or Hindu) guys your parents have to offer? Without bias, go and check them out. Generally, in Jain community, women are treated with dignity and respect. If you do come across a reasonably good Jain guy (including in UAE), why to opt for so many uncertainly?
If he is a Christian, ask if you have to be baptized for their church wedding. Further, and most important, check if your children have to be baptized and raised as Christians. If he is a Muslim, he will ask you for religions conversion before Islamic Nikaah. Simply tell him “NO BBS”.
Are you comfortable being part of a black community? Are you going to be proud raising black kids? Are you ready to defend your decision to your parents and friends and win their hearts?
We should also tell you not to get stuck on this black-brown-while differences. It is only a temporary thing, once you are part of it, one do not see any difference. President Obama was black to start with, but now people see him only as President Obama. His performance is not judge by his color but his deeds.
You will have to learn to live with color discrimination when you are in your Jain community. Instead of fighting to remove people’s prejudice, just learn to smile with your relatives when they make insulting comments about your bf/husband to you. After a while, others will get used to it and start seeing inner beauty inside him.
Sometimes, being an African American could be an advantage to you. He may truly accept you with love and respect. He has seen discrimination all his life and thus may treat you with double respect for what you are.
Trisha, there are so many factors playing role and there is no easy guidance one could give you. Now all responsibility is on your shoulder (and without such prior experience). Please keep us posted for how it goes and we are here waiting to guide you. Best wishes. -Admin.
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Trisha says: November 5, 2013 at 12:54 am
Thank you Admin and all other friends who has advised me.
i took time to reply , but i saw the changes.. i will not say that he is not good yet , he is he still respect me and my feeling and still wants to come to India But the changes like , he left this job and now he doesn’t contact.. he met me again many time.. But yes i can feel the changes.. as i said earlier that he is truthful to me so he said everything that he was dating a girl and then it turned to breakup..
when he talk to me he was still same.. like he told me that try to understand my feelings .. i must say he is really really a good guy because he has never hurt me , its now more then a year .. but NOW .. i dnt know why my heart is not allowing to me…. -Trisha
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“By nature girls are innocent and emotional, whosoever respects them (even falsely), they get trapped. There are so many anti social elements in the society who are disguised as gentlemen but internally conspirator” –Abida
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Also read:
Hindu-Christian Marriage
Jain-Muslim marriages
Will Gandhi go to Hell since he was not Baptized?
Idol-Worshippers
I am a Christian mother
I converted without knowledge of my family
I am Christian getting married to a Hindu
Do all Christians go to Heaven?
Ignorent Molly trying to convert a Krishna believer to Christianity ..a video
Namastey London movie…intolerant Christians ..a video
All religions are not same
A Hindu America?
Why I am a Hindu?
A fundamentalist Christian
Why I came back to Hinduism?
Dharma is not the same as religion
Text book on How to convert Hindu Students to Christianity
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I think the views of tha admin do more harm and promote racism. Admin tries to sound level and unbiased but the their condescending racist views are apparent. I recommend admin enroll into several university level anthropology courses before giving advice on mixed marriage. I thought the advice to Trisha wad mindless stupiditybbased on the racist views of admin!
you are 100% correct
Ibrahim,
Why don’t you please go ahead and advise what she should do, please!
hi trisha,
i am in a similiar situation as it is…i am dating a gujarati hindu guy but i am a south indian christian..and we are in states…the thing with hindus and christians are …we have different beliefs and to be a family i guess u have to find a common platform….with me ..i consider myself as an easy christian…i am okay with takin his last name and bringin our kids to temple and im willin to change for him for the sake of family…because his love is totally worth it..bt in tht process i wil b lettin go of my side of culture….he is ok with me goin to church for christmas and easter…and judgin him..he is a good guy ..not tht anal about his culture….bt jus see the complications in this relation..despite comin frm same country india…we are experiencing all this…i suggest u think through this..bcause datin a black guy is ok..bt u shud delve into his past and see wht was upto and see how much he will adjust with u…like for my guy i let go of chicken and shrimp…and he is ok with my church stuff….so u have to think through..and plus ur kids will have the african traits..so definitely think through…atleast if u marry an indian christian u r stickin to the same culture….idk….this is a tough situation
Reply at https://www.interfaithshaadi.org/?p=6662
Girls should never go for inter race marriages–so much difference in culture lifestyles plus children tomorrow will question parents(if parents dont divorce) as to whom they should marry,children will be left in no mans land.So girls never marry out of race.Other race people can be dangerous.Love is like a new mobile dear to the owner but fades later.Also if you go against your parents with things like inter race tomorrow if something bad happens they wont come to support you as they will disown you totally! you wont have people on your front and your back and you need people to survive in this world,one man show doesnt run long!!! 🙂 MArk my words I have seen many cases of love marriages failing.Not that I discourage love marriage but it never works atleast on inter race basis..
Hi,
I’m 21, in love with a non-Muslim black man but scared of my family.
Please don’t be judgmental, I’ll pretty much be judged by my relatives anyway.
I need advice, not a lecture. Please answer with an open-mind.
I have known this guy for four years. I met him through a mutual friend and it’s online.
He was very distant at first and he is also very reserved around a lot of people. 2 years ago, he started opening up to me and we became good friends. He’s very admirable and is good at everything he does. He’s very caring, calm and mature. He’s always helping me out with my problems. He’s always listening to me and does not complain about anything. He’s also very understanding and has a big heart.
A few months ago, I told him I liked him and he returned my feelings.
We have pretty much fallen in love and he says that I’m the only one for him and I feel the same. The place I’m in (South Asia) has a lot of men who disrespect women and treat them as if they inferior. If you’re from S.A, please don’t be offended but that’s how majority of the men in countries in S.A are and I know a lot of men like this. My father left my mother for another woman and treats my mother badly while he treats the other one like a queen. Same with my aunt. Her husband has left her.
The guy I like, he treats me like I’m a queen and does not seem interested in other women, only me. He tells me I’m beautiful and that I’m a good person whenever I feel down. I have problems with low self-esteem and he’s always helping me feel good about myself. I’ve been depressed because of my family (mostly because of my father) for as long as I can remember. My father has always been abusive towards me, my brother and my mother. Especially me and my mother. I almost lost myself.
I told my mother that I would never marry anyone because I have seen how my dad and my uncle are. A few of my friends have also been in the same situation (father leaving them) and that made it worse. But ever since he came into my life, I’ve found myself smiling for no reason, I’ve become happier, I haven’t been cutting myself (I used to do it to cope with stress) and I feel more confident in myself. I’ve also started praying more and thanking Allah (SWT) for giving me such a wonderful person in my life. I’ve learnt to look at the positive things in life and I have honestly never felt this way in my life.
I feel like I can have hope in love and marriage again. I had lost that and I remember praying to Allah (SWT) to give me a person I could love, someone who was good and someone who was able to make me feel alive.
He and I connect. There are times when he finishes my sentences and knows exactly how I feel. He can tell when there is something wrong or when I am upset. I feel nervous around him and my heart always skips a beat while talking to him.
The problem is, he’s black. I don’t mind and I have discussed this with my mother. She isn’t racist and so isn’t my brother. The problem is my father who is somewhat racist (he makes racist jokes) and my relatives. They are always going on about people with fair skin and they basically have no problem with a boy from theeir own family being dark complexed but if it’s someone else, they have a huge problem. They are always saying “oh, if you’re dark, no one will marry you.”
It really bothers me. I hate racism and I am against it.
My mother told me that if I consider getting marred, I should marry an educated man who is older than I am and he should be rich.
The educated and older part fits him (he’s 26, I’ll 22 in a month) but he’s not rich. And honestly, I don’t want money. I just think that he should earn enough for us to survive and never depend on anyone. I have discussed this with my mother, she does agree but then sometimes she says I should get married to a rich man.
He has a job. He is a busy person. He says he wants to go into voice acting, make some money and then come and see me. He’s from a catholic family but he’s an atheist. He asked me about Islam and he agreed with its preachings. I actually felt comfortable talking with him about it. I told him I won’t do anything with him until marriage and he said, “you’re my lady and it would be disrespectful of me to go against your wishes in such a manner.” He is not a virgin but he said it was once and he says he won’t do it and that he will wait for me.. He’s not alcoholic and hates alcohol and does not consume pork at all. He does not do drugs and is always listening to me and advising me. I know he’ll convert but I’m just scared of what my relatives will say and about my mother.
My mother says she will never make me marry a man for whom I don’t have any feelings for. My father said that I can marry whoever I choose to marry because he does not care. He says that I should just tell him I’m getting married, whether he comes or not.
My brother is the only one who won’t (probably) object. The problem is, my eldest aunt would try to interfere and she has a habit of humiliating people and I don’t want anyone to say anything about him or his looks or anything. He is handsome but I know my relatives. I don’t want them to say anything and I feel that it’s none of their business. What should I do?
Reply to Sabia at https://www.interfaithshaadi.org/?p=4356
Hello Trisha,
I dont think you will be happy with a black american guy after marriage, as there is a big differene of life styles between Jains and Christian.
I am afraid your marriage will be only a 9 days wonder and you will have point to return.
Choice is yours.
Agree “marriage will be only a 9 days wonder”,the decision should be in totality of other facts.
Thank you Admin and all other friends who has advised me.
i took time to reply , but i saw the changes.. i will not say that he is not good yet , he is he still respect me and my feeling and still wants to come to India But the changes like , he left this job and now he doesn’t contact.. he met me again many time.. But yes i can feel the changes.. as i said earlier that he is truthful to me so he said everything that he was dating a girl and then it turned to breakup..
when he talk to me he was still same.. like he told me that try to understand my feelings .. i must say he is really really a good guy because he has never hurt me , its now more then a year .. but NOW .. i dnt know why my heart is not allowing to me….
Trisha,
We are glad you came back to update us. This one is difficult one. This black-brown issue is temporary. Your parents will see it as a major issue but, like you, once they get used to, they also will accept him. However, you have to focus on his other characteristics, like we said before, “We are not talking about his “face-value”, but his culture, family and his childhood? Are his parents divorced? … Was his father respecting his mother? Was his father alcoholic?”