Section 8.5: My Family Would Die Rather than Allow Me to Marry a Non-Muslim

Section 8.5: My Family Would Die Rather than Allow Me to Marry a Non-Muslim

Sadia says:

Hi all of you. 

I am in the worst phase of life currently. I’m not too happy with my career. I am educated but not working as one as I have come to my parents in the Middle East after completing my studies in India. There is zero scope in my field here. Anyway, that’s the secondary issue.

The main thing is that I have been in a relationship with a guy back in India. He’s a wonderful guy and my parents know him and his family and really like them too. I belong to a very religious Muslim family whereas my guy is a firm Christian. I have been with him for 8 years now. His family loves me and I love them all too.

My family wants me to get married and is looking for good proposals now. I have confessed about my relationship to my sisters and my mom. They have clearly told me that this has no future as our faiths are different and that I must get over him. I love him and also my parents, too dearly to break anyone’s heart.

My man has been very supportive and never gets upset when I don’t get to call him for days together because of problems at my place. He has changed all his career plans just for me and my problems at home. There is no looking back at this stage when I have spent almost a decade with him. I am very close to his family and they are open heartedly accepting me with the faith that I follow and do not expect me to convert to Christianity. However, my family is not so open-minded and would die rather than allow me to marry a non-Muslim. 

I love my parents dearly. They have sacrificed a lot for me. My dad’s health isn’t all that great but still he’s working at his old age so that he can provide me with all the luxuries and let me have a huge wedding. I am so upset. I cannot elope with my boyfriend. That’s the last thing I want to do to my parents. I want to convince them, which deep down I know is impossible.

I feel suicidal and always pray to God that if things cannot be the way I want them to, please let me die. I can never choose between my parents and him. I feel very guilty to have my parents and my boyfriend in a situation like this. When we began dating we were just 15 and immature but by God’s grace I found just the right guy for me even at that level of immaturity. He’s the best anyone could ever get and I totally believe God is not upset with me for choosing a Christian instead of a Muslim because what I share with him is something so pure.

I don’t know guys what to do. I am a firm believer in Allah and pray to him 24/7 to help us out. Please if any of you could help me with suggestions, whatsoever. Please do. Desperately waiting for comments and suggestions. —Sadia

Admin says:

Dear Sadia, 

While suicide seems like the only way out of your torment right now, it is not truly an option. You are stronger than this as evidenced by your reaching out for help. 

You have several options:

1) Tell your boyfriend that you are sorry that your Bollywood dream is over. Find a Muslim man who prays five times a day, follows Mohammad’s teachings and life style, believes in all that is said in the Koran and Hadith, believes in Sharia law, and more. Your parents will be most proud of you. If you experience hell in THIS life after marriage, just ignore it because Allah has planned a heaven for you in the AFTER life.

2) Marry your love. Your parents will feel terrible for a few years, but may ultimately come to terms with your decision (possibly after you have a child). It will be an opportunity to teach your parents pluralism that you learned from Hindu majority India during your stay there.

3) Continue to do your self-study and consider the following points. Allah has made you beautiful and intelligent, now Allah has to take care of many other needy people. Do not expect Allah to spoon feed you; even your mother will not do that for you! Now it is up to you to take control of your life. You will have to do your own karma in THIS life. Instead of bothering Allah 24/7, start educating yourself about what we have written and ultimately Allah will inspire you to make a right decision.

Since you mentioned that “I am a firm believer in Allah,” do you believe in Allah, meaning God, Ishvara, God the Father and LORD God, or the Allah whose apostle is Mohammad? You seem to be educated, please read all that is said about God on this web site. Define for yourself what “Allah” means to you. When you come to that answer, you will have the answer to your problem.

Considering he is a Christian, you will have to address “Is Jesus a Son of Allah or just an apostle.” This may be a heavy duty question for you. Another practical question you will have to answer is—are your children going to have baptism or Sunat and are they going to have Christian or Arabic names? Do not ignore thousands of years of Christian-Muslim religious conflicts. Both Christianity and Islam are absolutely exclusivist religions and believe in the superiority of their faith over each other and others. You will have to come to terms with whose God will win?

Rome was not built in a day. You are only 23. Give yourself a few more years to explore your beliefs and in that way, you will make fully “informed” decision.

In the mean time, tell your parents ASAP that you will marry only that Christian boy (even you are not sure). Let them fume over it; chances are it will die down in 6 months. Read the material on InterfaithShaadi and you will realize that you must give up your (and your parents’) exclusivist thinking and be a pluralist if you wish to pursue an interfaith marriage. If you cannot resolve your religious differences in this time span, option #1 above is your choice.

Please come back with more specific thoughts/questions. —Admin

Sadia says: 

Dear Admin, 

Thanks for your advice and thoughts that you shared. I am thinking if my parents don’t agree to marry me to him, I don’t mind staying unmarried for life. I cannot marry anyone else. Nothing still remains in my favor though because my parents will die each day seeing me unmarried and that poor guy is paying a price for nothing. I just wish I can make my parents realize that he’s amongst Abrahamics and consider us seriously. I don’t know. Thanks a ton anyway. —Sadia

Shehnaz says:

Dear Sadia, 

I read your life story and felt deeply touched. Don’t be coward. If you do not marry any one, it is very difficult to survive blissfully in Muslim community. All evil eyes will be on you from ill motivated persons. At the old age, you will be in deep trouble, nobody will take care of you and you will be in depression throughout life.

Have courage and make up your mind. You are owner of your life. Parents will not be with you forever. In my opinion, if you are so determined, be in touch with your boyfriend. Finalize all modalities for future relations. Be tactful, have good relations with parents for the time being, don’t show them that you are in touch with your boyfriend. Plan to visit India after 6 months or so and then get married with him under Special Marriage Act. God bless you. —Shehnaz

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