Him being black is all they care about

Atiqa says: March 9, 2013 at 10:49 am

Hi everyone,

I’m not sure where else to turn other than ask for some advice on my current situation. I’ll give a brief history of the situation to give some background of how this even happened. Well, I’m a 25 year old Pakistani female with a 27 year old black boyfriend (African American). I met my boyfriend the very first day of college freshman orientation back in 2005 and needless to say we just hit it off perfectly. Ever since then, we’ve been inseparable. I love him, he loves me, his parents love me, I love his parents etc. He’s been everything to me and more than I could have imagined.

The problem is the last 8 years I never once spoke about him to my parents…in 8 years!! My parents are pretty conservative culturally, religiously and first generation immigrants to America. I’m not religious at all myself and I’ve expressed this to my parents before. My boyfriend is not Muslim which is already an added X to him being black. Aside from knowing Urdu and eating traditional foods, I’m American as American can get and it’s who I am more so than Pakistani! But this is beside the point, I have just been TERRIFIED to mention him at all to my conservative family.

Anyway, I was so afraid to tell them about him because the concept of interracial marriage, let alone a black guy and non muslim, is grounds for being disowned in our culture. I also always told my family I wasn’t interested in marriage or dating anyone until after I completed my graduate degree and I’ve done that now.

Well, I finally told them about him, and it went as expected. They want nothing to do with me until this “abomination of a relationship” is over. I’ve dishonored and shamed my family apparently. I told my parents that I’m not even religious as they know and him being black is all they care about, which all they do care about (we have other male and female family members married to non muslims).

I then told him about how the Prophet Muhammad said there’s no superiority of a black over a white or vice versa and also the story of Bilal and how they could judge my boyfriend because of his ethnicity.

Well, that didn’t matter. I just got sweared at and called a whore by my own father lol. Even worse though he called my boyfriend the N word. My boyfriend is an amazing guy and comes from a great family…he has his doctorate, a great job lined up, and his parents are two of the nicest people I’ve ever met. In no way would he be a so called “shame” to our family name. My parents have refused to meet him or even speak to me if I’m talking to him.

I told my boyfriend this would be an issue and I feel so unfair to him because I’ve dragged him along promising to be with him for almost a decade… I kept telling him just wait I’ll tell them…wait..wait. He’s done everything possible to learn about Pakistani culture also. He learned Urdu fluently and so many other things just for me and to meet my parents. He proposed to me two years ago and I told him I’m all his but just wait until I tell my family..

I don’t know what to do. I’m very disappointed at the racism /hatred my parents have shown me but at the same time they are my parents. I do love them In the last 8 years though, I’ve become my own woman and I’ve met the guy of my dreams. I don’t care that he’s black. I know he really loves me and would do anything for me. When I told him I may have to leave him, he broke down to his knees and cried. We both are working in diffrent companies.

I cant imagine life without my parents or him. Due to my attachment with him, one day I seduced him to have sex with him and we really enjoyed. Thought not feeling guilty, yet scaring enough if married to a muslim guy, how to show my virginity with blood stains on the bed sheet on the weding night intercourse. Some time feeling that I should leave my parents and marry him immediately, as they are not giving due cognizance to my happiness and emotional attachment.

Please suggest best option for me. -Atiqa.

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Admin says:

Atiqa,

Sorry to hear of your story, thought it is a typical story of this web site. Soon, other youths with experience will be here to give tips on what is best to do.

Wow! Your bf has a Ph. D., working, great parents, learned Urdu for you and most important, he never asked you for sex in last 8 years. He is one of very rare breed in America, a very few such guys to find in this World. Only problem is he is black.

One major mistake you did is you never told your parents for past 8 years. If you slowly and slowly introduce him over these years, they would have got over it by now. Well, it is late to turn the clock back.

For parents, these interfaith marriages and inter-race marriages are very difficult to swallow. They have their pride in their society and now it is hard for them. Only time is the therapy, over time they will come to terms.

Looking at your situation and details provided, for you, now there is nothing to turned around. You must go with the guy, no buts and ifs (this is not what we recommend all times, we are not Bollywood dreamers).

It will be sock for your parents, but you have to move on. They may not talk to you for year or two, but ultimately they will realize beauty in him and will come to terms. If not, last key of turning things around is grandchildren for your parents. Go put your child in their hands, and see how they could not start loving him/her, even completely BLACK.

One request we would like to made, we hope you do not ask him to fake-convert to Islam for your Nikaah. This is unethical, immoral and unjust. There is no way Allah (if there) will want you to do such injustice to a poor black (Christian or atheist) man. When he cares so much for you, you do not return favor by back-stabbing him by asking him to change his birth religion, just to please Muslim community.

Please come back and talk to us more. We love to interact with intellectuals like you. Please ask Dr. African American to come and share his views.

If we cannot help you, at least we could give you a shoulder to cry on!

Together, over next few years, lets redefine IM-WE (InterFaith Marriages With Equality). Best wishes. -Admin.

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More information: Hindu-Muslim Marriage, Sharia, Muslim-Hindu marriages, Hindu-Muslim lovers’ experiences, Koran on Hindus? Hindu girl-Muslim boy, Marriage & Divorce laws.
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