Here Aditi is sharing her life experiences from age 17-21 and providing reflections on it. If you are at this age group and in love with someone, this is a must read for you to make fully informed decision for your ever lasting happy married life.
Another important point of debate is if this is a case of LOVE-JIHAD? Here Aditi initially said it was not love-jihad but later is saying “His behavior was deceit and dishonesty” and last yes for love-jihad. It is a debatable topic considering how one defines love-jihad. What our readers think?
ADITI says: August 31, 2020
I fell for a Muslim guy in college … thank god I got saved!
My life till age 16:
While growing up, for a good reason, my Dad wanted from me nothing but the best in all different ways. I was imposed many restrictions as a child and it was too much for me. For studies it was like “all study no fun”. For fun, I used to put Sherlock 
Holmes inside the course books and pretend studying as I had no rights to negotiate on anything.
On the religious front at home we did poojas, which I found boring. Hindu rituals were forced on us. No one provided us with any explanations for it. I was grilled after coming back from friend’s(girls) home as to what exactly happened and what we discussed.
When I left home for college in Vadodara, I was very happy. I was moving out of my parents’ control and going for a free life. However, I got into a new situation where now Muslim boy friend starts calling shots. I moved from parental control to a boyfriend’s control, nothing changed for me. This is absolutely unbelievable stupidity on my part to put up with these.
I fell for him
It all started when I was 17 when I stepped out of home and the city for college. I felt like I had wings and could do whatever I wanted. This guy(my ex boyfriend- a Muslim) and I were in the same class in the first year of college.
Once I styled my hair differently and he complimented me on how great I looked with that. Then he started showering me with compliments. I was raised in an environment where I was never good enough. Realizing I am worth something, I got attracted to him. I liked his attention to details about me and he had nothing but admirations about me.
[Admin: Why would the Muslim guy, who knows Allah does not like displaying hairs, praising someone’s hair? Read]
Love Progression Steps
Your video and your other comments hits the nail on the head to answer this question, why Hindus have low self-esteem?
It all creeps in very Very slowly!
Hindus enter into the relationship assuming 100 percent equality. Even in there own Hindu homes they have seen different people praying different forms of Bhagwan; Dad could be a Rama fan, mom could be Krishna bhakt …and list can go on an on. Someone fasts on Monday for Shivji; another one decides to fast on Tuesday for hanumanji, and everyone helps one another. So Hindus cheerfully start volunteering in Islamic customs (I kept rosa!) without even thinking twice or being asked.
Even the Hindu lover accept Muslim partners’ wishes to not do Hindu practices as per the Islamic expectations.
Things are hunky dory in the beginning.
The problems starts coming into the paradise when Hindu partner’s participation into Islamic practices starts to be demanded and becomes non-voluntary. When I sensed issues coming, I tried to break up, but every-time he convinced me back, saying he can’t live without me and somehow we will find a way, until I gave up trying to break up.
The final bullets are the conversion, conversation, and conversion.
By this time it’s too late for the Hindu, and only option to salvage the relationship becomes conversion, as you said. If not, it is 100% the Hindu party’s fault.
A love between a pluralist and an exclusivist/supremacist
When one is in love one starts adopting what your loved one is doing (Admin: Hindu’s view not Muslim’s!). For instance, in my case I started keeping roza because he wasn’t eating and then the excitement of going and eating out doubles(after a fast). However, there wasn’t really much he could participate in that I did e.g going to the temple for Janmashtami as I love singing/ listening to bhajans and be part of festive environment. He just could never even think of participating as it would come in way of his beliefs.
I would participate (in Islamic practices) as it would not hurt any of my (Hindu) sentiments but I didn’t expect him (Muslim) to joint into mine because he said he had a reason to not participate.
After falling in love, what was our dating like?
In my relationship within the first couple years, I realized that I don’t want to be in it. I tried to break up, but every-time he convinced me back, saying he can’t live without me and somehow we will find a way, until I gave up trying to break up. If it was innocent love, he would have set me free.
If I think why he wanted to hold on to me so bad, it was probably because I was the only person in the whole wide world who was open to listen to his never- ending preachings on Islam, and justifying its practices. That’s what we talked during most of our meeting time anyways, specially after the relationship moved past initial phases of knowing each other! I am a great listener and I really try to listen and understand everyone I meet with an open mind; maybe that’s what really worked against me!
Why he did it?
This question bugged me then and it haunts me even today.
I think he saw this girl(me), liked her and boldly showered appreciations for thrill of it. He probably didn’t even think that it was possible that this thing will take off!
We started talking casually at first, and it was an exploration of faiths journey for both of us. Along the way, I realized that there are compatibility issues (widely different worldview) but I didn’t say anything and still wanted to be together for the sake of ‘commitment’, and belief that adjust to karna padta hai (you have to do it). He probably realized the same thing that even if somehow I convert and somehow he convinces his parents (it would have been an uphill task), if I am not fully bought into the ideology, there will be incorrigible differences.
He probably was looking for someone like be me but my wings had to be cut down to be made me fit for his family. He also knew there was no way his family would accept me without conversion.
Islamic ideologies came in our ways:
Why I felt he was controlling because throughout our relationship I felt that my Hindu way of life was dissected in every conversation and a Muslim way of life, where a woman was not equal to a man, was held supreme.
If he saw me talking to another guy, he would get insecure and upset! I actually stopped talking to all the guys in college, to please him. At that time, I understood that he lived in a very different world than mine.
When I asked about his thoughts on burkha, he convinced me why it was the right thing and how he would like his future wife to wear it. Knowing his conservative views, it was implied that I mostly dressed in salwar kameez during college days even though I was raised in a much liberal family where western outfits were as acceptable as Indian outfits.
Anything that doesn’t serve Allah and takes one away from Allah is haram. Music has been mentioned in the same places in hadiths and Quran where adultery and intoxication are mentioned, so many Muslims believe it to be haram.
Once I had asked him about 4 wives (polygamy) practice of Islam and he said it’s okay if a man can be fair to all four wives. He also countered by saying Hindus also have extramarital affairs, and having multiple wives is better than that. Islam provides more protection to women as adultery is prohibited.
In a conversation he explained to me why women’s testimony is not equal to men’s because women work on emotions and men on rationale, and now modern science proved it.
In yet another one he tried to convince me why women shouldn’t hold financials at home, the same reason women are emotion driven.
His mother did wear head scarf but not hijab. I think other girls in the family didn’t really have outside exposure. Most girls married within close family relations, like cousins.
Afterlife vs. re-incarnation
Another reflection on how what I believed in was ridiculed All the time by him. One day, he was telling me about Islam’s concept of afterlife and how whether we get together in this life or not, he is sure I will eventually learn things that will make us meet in jannat! (Ufff). I asked him how is he sure there is a jannat and told him that Hindus core belief is in re-birth. He ridiculed me and said that if re-birth concept was true then let’s commit some crimes and we both will become some bird and live a cool life flying where ever we want! I wish I had answers back then about what Hinduism says about animal vs human life and that human life is the only way to attain moksha! Sadly, I had no answers back then!
Supremacist ideologies:
With my boyfriend, we never had discussion on Hinduism as a topic, but he believed Hindu practices were wrong. For example, if we are passing by a 
temple and I do namaste in front, he would criticize that god is not praying in passing. Obviously, he is against idol worship.
If I want to go into a temple, he will say you go in, not me. If I bring back prasad he won’t take it. In the boys’ hostel everyone knew he wouldn’t play Holi, participate in Diwali program or Garba and should be left alone.
I love animals and was a vegetarian; he seemed to have no respect for my choices and said it doesn’t make sense since plants have the same pain and science can prove it. Also, he said that keeping dogs at home as pets is haram.
Different Expectations:
I think his liking for me was genuine but his acceptance of me as a wife was dependent on whether I was able to fully adopt, accept and appreciate Islamic way of life(not just a fake conversion), and whether he could see a future family that was pretty religious and abide by Allah’s path. He tried his best to make me that way.
On the other hand my love for him did not depend on what each of us believed in, and I’d have married him even if he would not even step into a temple.
[Admin: Why Hindus have low expectations from Muslims? Read]
My inability to explain Hinduism:
The whole idea that a book (Koran) is supreme, and my (Aditi’s) intelligence and the light within me has no significance was something I was not convinced about because as a Hindu I believe we are all pure souls in need to peeling off the layers of untruth to shine and attain moksha. I had these Hindu beliefs instilled and coded in me, but I didn’t know how to verbalize them back then. I was uncomfortable but I couldn’t pin point what made me uncomfortable back then.
What I liked about his arguments on Islam was that they were very clearly articulated and nicely presented as if he had practiced them his whole life of 18 years. This was a contrast to my explanations on Hindu customs. There wasn’t a single debate I won with him in all those years. When one is constantly proven wrong, it is obvious to start thinking that maybe the other person is actually right!
Even if my mind bought his arguments on Islam, my heart never did. Regarding Hinduism, I was conflicted and felt helpless. I felt deep affinity for Hindu ways of life but some didn’t make sense to me and the question–‘What do I actually believe in‘–started to bug me a lot.
My experiences with him put a seed in my heart to learn more about Hinduism as well as he did about Islam.
I was being groomed to be a submissive wife:
The impact of my boy-friend’s presence in my life was extremely clear to those around me. I dressed the way that was not my original way, I hardly talked and started talking softer and softer, even when I enjoyed singing and dancing with other girls, his teachings flooded my mind, I didn’t participate in singing/dancing competitions that all other girls had fun with. I acted so submissive in all areas of my life, luckily I focused on my studies and did well on exams, but hardly anything extracurricular.
Isolation as a strategy:
Girls around me were really disappointed in what I was doing with my life. Dating itself was not uncommon, but no one was doing the self destruction that I was doing and no one approved of what I was becoming. When they tried to alert me, I would try to side my boyfriend, and they started giving up on me.
We are a social creatures and positive affirmations from those around us are very important specially during formative years. Absence of approval from those around me made the need for presence of my boyfriend in life more and more important.
Why Hindu youths have low self-esteem, even they may be in majority in India?
To have a high self esteem: what do youths need?
First of all we need knowledge and understanding of what our culture is and what’s at risk! When Hindus agree to “fake-convert”, they have absolutely no idea what they are giving up on! Education/Media/Bollywood controlled by Communists/Islamists/Christians did a great job at hiding information that we could be proud of and propagating mis informations that makes us uncomfortable. They maligned our gurus and broke down the social fabric.
Most of us have the value system encoded in ourselves but very few can verbalize and compare and contrast. For example, in previous generation of Hindu society it was encoded from experiences of partition that Hindu-Muslim marriage is a no-no. Their kids intuitively know they are entering risky territory when they date a Muslim, but they can’t come up with intelligent reasons.
However, things are now changing slowly but surely, as more and more information is becoming available to the masses with social media.
A trap I could not escape:
All my friends kept telling me I am on a wrong path, but I did not believe them. He was being exceptionally romantic and praised me a lot, so I couldn’t think of anything more but his love. I was absolutely foolish. My love was nothing but my stupidity.
In love and relationships both people can only be happy if there is mutual respect, else the submissive partner feels suffocated, and that is where I was.
When college ended and we graduated, he said his family won’t agree. I didn’t care to convince him. Actually, I was happy because I had no courage to break up after realizing all this in the first couple of years. I was just being submissive and going on with the relationship as it was hard to break up. I feel blessed that we separated, else I would just have been a burkha clad shadow of him.
Was it a Love-Jihad?
[Before critical analysis] I don’t think it was love jihad, else he had a good chance to marry me; I would have done so because commitment was instilled in me and he knew that. At that time, I might even have converted for sake of marriage (not because I was convinced). I remember asking him if he would marry me if I convert, he said he doesn’t want me to convert for sake of someone or a marriage but he’d love to see that one day in my life I understand Islam and accept it then. So, I don’t think he was a person with a sinister design in mind, he genuinely believed in what he believed in, and he wanted me to genuinely see value in Islam as well.
[Admin’s views on Love-Jihad… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Y19i0dCeq4&t=3s]
[After more discussion here] His behavior was deceit and dishonesty. He probably thought he could change my belief system without declaring it at first, and trying to work through it. When it didn’t happen, it was the end, and probably without much guilt as I was a kafir anyways 🙂
Much later, when I stumbled into Zakir Naik on YouTube, I realized how similar his way of trying to convince people and his arguments (on Islam)were to my ex-boyfriend’s!
Reflecting back, I think what happened to me was a combination of Intellectual Jihad and Love Jihad.
What is Love-Jihad?
It is each and every Hindu-Muslim relationship where Hindu enters assuming equality and freedom, but in 99.99 percent cases he/she then face immense pressure to convert. Pressure that is direct/indirect/by the partner or his family/ during dating / as precondition to marriage / as a condition for simplicity of future child’s life; does not matter how, to me it’s all love jihad when the condition (to convert) is first hidden and brought to fore at a later point. This is what Admin says and to me now it makes perfect sense!
In innocent love, you enter into the relationship knowing that you will stand with that person over everything else and all life’s challenges, and you somewhere ASSUME that other person will do the same for you. When other person brings a third thing ‘conditions of Islam’ later in the relationship it is treachery and treason!
Love-Jihad: How about educated Muslims?
My story tells that even the most educated of Muslims, those who most will think of as open, fair and secular are potentially very staunch.
From my personal experience, the issue here is that a lot of Muslim men do believe and justify Quranic phrases above (polygamy- women’s testimony half- more kids). As one sees from my experience, my ex-boyfriend being an educated boy did support many of these (below). Also, we can see how Muslim society in India is against abolishing the Shariah laws in civil matters for Muslims. They are fighting for continuing inequality for women as laid out by many of phrases in Quran!
[Koran 2:223 Your women are a tilth for you (to cultivate) so go to your tilth as ye will, Koran 2:228 Men have a status above women, Koran 2:282 One man = Two women, Koran 4:3 Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four, Koran 4:11 (Inheritance): to the male, a portion equal to that of two females, Koran 4:15 To prove rape, produce four Witness, Koran 4:24 You are forbidden to marry married women except your slave-girls, Koran 4:34 Beat them, Koran 4:35 Allah has made one of them excel over the other, Koran 24:4 Produce not four witnesses (to support their allegations),- flog them] [More on Koran http://corpus.quran.com/translation.jsp?chapter=2&verse=223]
In their personal lives, they or someone close (their parents) believe in Quran as is, they can be super charming in the beginning but will be hell bent on converting you one way or another at a later point for one reason or another.
More likely than not Hindu thought process won’t be tolerated and will be ridiculed.
Also, a lot of restrictions will come onto you even in the most educated Muslim families: hijab, food preference, dressing, talking to other men even if within family.
It is best to marry in a culture that provides you equality and freedom to choose/change/explore different paths at any point in life!
Why is it a Love-Jihad if the Hindu was an atheist?
Some might say that it’s not love-jihad if Hindu is atheist/agnostic to begin with. However even if a Hindu is atheist he/she is still a Hindu: a naastik-Hindu.
He/she still has a chance to explore spirituality / dharmik path that is fit for him/her at a later point in life. To snatch this chance away from a Hindu, disintegrate him/her from his roots and make him/her commit to a single book and not allowing to explore is a crime!
[Admin: Conversion to Islam is a one way-street. Muhammad said: “Whoever changes his Islamic religion, then kill him.” (Bukhari 9.84.57)]
What saved you from this Love-Jihadi?
What saved me was my upbringing, and a rather controlled college environment with strict check in checkout times for hostels, which was a blessing(in retrospect) that students today after three decades might not have!
Deep Scares on my life
This relationship did leave deep scars on me, and did lower my self-esteem immensely.
Once I moved on, I still dealt with low self esteem for years. I always felt that others are not approving of me even after my environment changed, and the people around me changed. I hated myself for choosing wrongly earlier and being blind to what everyone else was trying to tell me.
Yes Admin, these memories and areas of mind have been painful to visit, and whenever for any reason I visit those memories I feel like most stupid person in the whole wide world. Every time I feel like that, i have to rebuild myself by practicing gratitude and reminding myself of everything else I did and have in my life.
What is wrong in Hindu teachings?
If he wanted to be together, I don’t know if I could have backed down. This is because of a sense of commitment installed in me; even when I knew it wasn’t the right arrangement for me. I feel Hindu families don’t allow children to fail, not even in relationships! Parents don’t tell them that it’s okay to make the wrong choice and when one realizes that it is a wrong choice, one has rights to back out. We act as if parents are perfect and children need to be perfect too.
At the age of 16, my knowledge about Islam and Muslims was pretty much ZERO. Parents always told me that all religions are the same, and all human beings equal.
People in family (uncles and aunts) even went to a famous tomb (dargah) and neighbors talked about visiting Ajmer shareef. So, I never thought that Islam was any different than Hinduism.
His behavior was deceit and dishonesty. But imagine, Hindu mental conditioning, even today after 30 years, I want to give him benefit of doubt!
A turning point:
My dating experience actually ingrained very strong thoughts in my mind, and I became extremely sure that in a few years, i would like to marry someone via a more traditional route /no prolonged dating as I had become aware of unnecessary trauma that dating brings.
When my parents started looking for alliances a few years after college, I knew what I was looking for. I was looking for someone who would not try to change me but accept me AS IS. For sure, someone who is not controlling me but nurturing me. I am glad I looked for those traits.
My Hindu husband turned out to be a person who I was looking for. After more than three decades, I am glad he is what I thought he was.
I told my fiancee everything before we got married. He was upset for a few days but came back and said that he is okay with everything as long as it doesn’t impact our future together. I promised him I have nothing to do with my past anymore and the rest is history. I have been happily married. He never raised this topic (my past relationship), ever! He is the best thing that happened in my life, and he says so am I.
I got liberty, freedom and dignity:
My husband changed the course of my life. He gave me full liberty to live life as I wish. Whatever situations life brought us into, my husband always trusted me completely.
My husband is responsible, loving, caring and understanding. My intelligence was never questioned. He is 1000% different than that the Muslim ex-boyfriend, who was totally controlling.
Unlike my Muslim ex-boyfriend, my husband may not compliment me often but his deeds are worth more than his words.
Back to Hinduism:
I turned from a pseudo secular person at a risk to enter (marry) a Muslim family to now a person 100 percent committed to Hinduism. Even today, I am not a very ritualistic person to my in-laws’ abhor. I enjoy seeing my husband doing rituals, but I take refuge in paths of yoga and meditation for my inner well being. I know that Hinduism is not all about rituals, but rituals are part of it. There are so many paths, rituals are one. Beauty of Hinduism is that each one of us can have an individual path. There are many gurus leading us into each one of those! This is a luxury only a person following Hinduism has!
This led me to explore multiple paths later in my life. I got to meet people who were deeply involved academically in studying Hinduism and challenges it faced. We also hosted dharmic gurus who came to our city to preach at temples and I got to learn About beauty of our scriptures.
However, a break though happened a few years later, when I stumbled into Sadhguru’s videos, and when I heard that there is a path of self-discovery where I don’t need to believe into anything, my life changed! We can be ‘just seekers’ is what I heard and then I knew what path I had to follow!
Now my children do all pooja, mantra and understand meanings of it. Parents need to understand, respect and love children. Positive discipline is good but controlling each move is counterproductive. We encourage dialogue with our children before they buy into it. It is certainly different from my childhood where mom-dad’s word out of their mouth was the final word or ex-boyfriend where Islam is scientific!
Today I have full liberty and freedom to enjoy my life to fullest with my beloved husband as an equal partner. I am glad I do not have those controls of my parents or ex-boyfriend. My relationship with my parents has also become great, as I am able to put better boundaries and encourage discussion.
How much your parents knew about this?
My parents pretty much knew(know)nothing!
They knew he was in my friend circle, but nothing more than that. My conversations with my parents were focused on grades and upcoming vacation/exam schedules on my side, and family happenings on their side. There was no good reason for me to share it with them at that time or at a later point in time.
REFLECTION ON LIFE AT 17:
I am so grateful that I did not marry that Islamist I dated who believed women should not sing, are less than man and should be kept in burka.
Today, I learned that, my ex-Muslim boyfriend is holding a prestigious job and his wife has luxuries of life but is caged in a burka.
I got saved. Now I truly have my own wings to fly, and have a marriage with respect and equality!
I wish that I knew the challenges of interfaith relationships as a teen, then it would not have taken 4 years and a heartbreak to realize the incompatibility in interfaith relationships.
I’d like to thank Interfaithshaadi for providing such a unique platform. I hope that my story helps someone who is considering an interfaith relationship.
Ps: I am not saying all Hindu men will be as open as my husband, and not controlling. If Hindu men are controlling, it is because of their family and social conditioning, not because of tenets of Hinduism. However, Muslim men’s control is validated by Quran and non negotiable and Muslim women’s submissiveness is a requirement per Quran. -Aditi
More information: Hindu-Muslim Marriage, Sharia, Muslim-Hindu marriages, Hindu-Muslim lovers’ experiences, Koran on Hindus? Hindu girl-Muslim boy, Marriage & Divorce laws.
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Hi Aditi, how much of these do you think your parents knew/know about it?
The reason we are asking is–many parents are bashing others whose children marry interfaith without realising what their children would/could do/have done it without parents realising it.
All parents, before criticising what Aditi did at 17, understand it could have happened in your own near family but you may not be aware of it. Here, someone is disclosing all facts, and we all should be thankful to Aditi for being so honest with the objective to educate us all. Our hats off to you.
My parents pretty much knew(know)nothing!
They knew he was in my friend circle, but nothing more than that. My conversations with my parents were focused on grades and upcoming vacation/exam schedules on my side, and family happenings on their side. There was no good reason for me to share it with them at that time or at a later point in time.
Aditi, what did you know about Islam at age 16, from your parents and society?
What are your thought on Islam at the peak time of your relationship (when ever, between 17-21)?
What is your thought of Islam today?
what did you know about Islam at age 16, from your parents and society?
At the age of 16, my knowledge about Islam and Muslims was pretty much ZERO. Parents always told me that all religions are the same, and all human beings equal.
People in family(uncles and aunts) even went to a famous tomb(dargah) and neighbors talked about visiting Ajmer shareef. So, I never thought that Islam was any different than Hinduism.
I knew riots happened between Hindus and Muslims and curfews happened, but when asked about ‘why’, I was told that ‘fringe’ groups are fighting.
Also, knew about partition and centuries of battles between Hindus and Muslims from my grandmother, imbibed some pride for my culture from her, but at an intellectual level thought of battles as power struggles and did not have much insights into the what ideologies each were fighting for.
What are your thought on Islam at the peak time of your relationship (when ever, between 17-21)?
At the peak of my relationship, I was ready to experiment with Islamic ways, and thought that there might be some truth in everything that my boyfriend is saying because of his very convincing arguments. But, even while experimenting (dressing – absence of singing -dancing – talking to other guys), I felt suffocated and I knew quality of my life and life-skills to be independent woman were going downhill.
What is your thought of Islam today?
I have come a long way from believing “All religions are the same”
I don’t think all that follow Islam are bad people but if they follow Islam AS IS, for sure they become incompatible to integrate into lives of people of other faiths with equality.
I feel that there are parts of Islam that for sure benefit it’s believers. Having the discipline to pray five times a day can be a huge thing for ones personal development. Similar discipline is implemented in many of the Hindu and Buddhist ashrams/monasteries to run those efficiently and to develop discipline -will power – and connecting to higher power/dissolving ego.
However, Islam is not a religion that lets one take a piece of it and use it to connect to higher power. To be a true Muslim you have to adopt it ALL and fight for its political- expansionist – civil commandments that are not fair to the ones who are not following Islam or to women.
Hinduism teaches ‘world is your family’ and teaches one to fight for the right thing even with your own brother(Mahabharata), but Islam reserves equality for only for men who believe in Allah.
We read of your “self-destruction”, “low-self esteem” and “deep scars” experiences below due to your self-created situation and, worst, later your inability to realized the situation. You must have felt yourself as the most stupidest person on this earth. These are certainly depressing thoughts and bring lots of pain in life, then and now.
However, you were only 17 at that time and were not given opportunities earlier in life to face difficult situations on your own. Everyone make mistakes in life, who does not? Yes, you were stuck with that con-artist (Watch the Movie: Catch me if you can) and, with his Jihadi motive, he was working to make you to be his submissive wife.
Well, that was your past. It is a done deal. You should be VERY proud of yourself for not to crossing borders and remain firm for who you were. Even after his relentless efforts, he could not make you accept his Islam, not even by an inch. That proves that you were a person with strong mind and a proud human being. Now you are blessed with a wonderful husband and family. Now you have full liberty and pride to live rest of 50 some years of your life with dignity. You are the most blessed now.
We hope you take out all those deep scars and regrets from life at 17-21 by sharing them on this post. That should make you guilt free. It should make you feel good since it will help many other ADITIs for years to come. Now think of your new life not just as an ordinary person but someone who is destined to change this world for something better.
We are certainly very proud of you. We cannot thank you enough for speaking out. Our hats are off to you, Aditi!
Yes Admin, these memories and areas of mind have been painful to visit, and whenever for any reason I visit those memories I feel like most stupid person in the whole wide world. Every time I feel like that, i have to rebuild myself by practicing gratitude and reminding myself of everything else I did and have in my life.
I will most definitely go ahead and watch Catch me if you can) 🙂 I agree with you that he was training me to be his submissive wife! I think he probably knew that if he look for women in his family to marry, he won’t find an educated girl.
He probably was looking for someone like be me but my wings had to be cut down to be made me fit for his family. He also knew there was no way his family would accept me without conversion. When you first asked me why he did it, i didn’t really know but now reflecting and post_morteming everything, this is the most logical reason I could come up with.
I am thankful to you to help me reflect on everything, and letting it out! I have never shared this with anyone in so much detail and letting myself process everything. I buried it and I moved on, but I got a chance to resolve things in last few days. Hopefully this is like taking the buried skeletons of Hindu emotion and giving them a dah-sanskar 🙂
I will try to do my best to be helpful for the society to the best of my abilities. Thank you for all the support you have created on this forum for interfaith relationship challenges of someone’s past, present and future!
Dear Aditi,
Remember,….
* You are not a culprit but an innocent victim.
* What you were you did at 17 (nice to every one, everyone is nice in this world; a utopian thinking) is very noble thought and teachings. If everyone start thinking this way, this world would be so nice for all to enjoy. Unfortunately, the society failed you at your age 17. You become a victim of vicious social practices.
* It was not your fault, not even 1%.
* You fall in a trap due to your niceness. The cunning person took advantage of you.
* Don’t ever feel you were stupid or regret for what you did.
If we use an analogy, instead of punishing the rapist, is it okay to blame and discredit the victim?
Aditi, we are proud of you. You are nothing but a brave girl who managed to came out of the Lion’s Den.
We are not psychologist but sharing our personal views about mental status in a similar situation. There are deep scars and pain in your mind. There are different ways to handle it, like you said, “I buried it and I moved on” and “reflect on everything, and letting it out!”. You did the former all these years and still it did not died out. Now we are helping you do the later.
After holocaust, if the Jewish community decided to follow the former (curse themselves for their situation in 1939-44), would they be in a better position today? We do not have any selfish motive here but strongly believe your story will certainly help other ADITIs.
This is an open fact–expectation of conversion for marriage practice–but media and society is not talking loud and clear about it because they want to be sensitive to some community’s religious belief at the expense of innocent ADITIs. These media does not see or feel the pain and anguish of this Aditi for past 30 some years.
We hope moderates from those societies who still carry the practice of “expectations of conversion for marriage” will speak out against it and put it to end, and will do it now!
We hope you will write a book on it someday and the media will carry your story forward all over.
Aditi, this is just a beginning of a new social war.
For most, writing a book is an overwhelming thought. Don’t worry, we will write for you. You just provide your thoughts here and that’s all.
Here, this is just too intense discussion. For us, it is only time but for you, it is your life. Do not go over board. Enjoy your routine life. Fulfil needs of your family and yourself. You do not have to reply right a way, but may take a week. We are here since 2009 and will be here for years to come for service of ADITIs.
Right now it is only admin talking. When the world will start talking here, people from all side may start throwing dirt at you and may make nasty comments. You have to learn to separate yourself from what people may say here. If you truly believe in Hinduism, separate your Atman from all these dirt around you. It is easy for us to preach but would be difficult for you to take. If so, take a complete break from this site.
This sounds good Admin. I will take a break now.
“I realized that there are compatibility issues (widely different worldview) but I didn’t say anything and still wanted to be together for the sake of ‘commitment’, and belief that adjust to karna padta hai (you have to do it).”
Regarding above:
More I am revisiting/ the scenes from the past I am realizing that I DID not really have this in my mind- “adjust to karna padta hai” … the reason for not breaking up was mainly pleadings on his part and the tears that he could not live without me and I was most imp thing and that somehow there will be way etc etc..
I think I did want to be free and that’s the reason once he wasn’t in my life and I moved to a new place, I could just walk away. I didn’t look back or wanted to look back.
I could have set myself free earlier if I had emotional training to weigh pros and cons for MYSELf and make decisions for myself as up to that point in life decisions were always made by my elders!
Aditi, please view our video on how a Hindu and Muslim marriage progresses. We are glad your one got cut off in the middle because of your strong foundation installed by your parents. Congratulate them! https://youtu.be/KHvvvxcVKUs
This presentation hits the nail on the head! Three decades have passed but nothing has changed 🙂
We have posted your comment here https://youtu.be/KHvvvxcVKUs
Another reflection on how what I believed in, was ridiculed All the time. One day, he was telling me about Islam’s concept of afterlife and how whether we get together in this life or not, he is sure I will eventually learn things that will make us meet in jannat! (Ufff ). I asked him how is he sure there is a jannat and told him that Hindus core belief is in re-birth. He ridiculed me and said that if re-birth concept was true then let’s commit some crimes and we both will become some bird and live a cool life flying where ever we want! I wish I had answers back then about what Hinduism says about animal vs human life and that human life is the only way to attain moksha! Sadly, I had no answers back then!
Tell us what was he preaching you about Islam? This will be a major part of your book. This will also help you/us educate other Aditis. Read Koran here and it will help recall what and why he was saying what ever… https://interfaithshaadi.org/koran-on-hindus/
Another point, now fulfil the dream of your boyfriend and start learning about Koran/ Hadith/ Muhammad. Later, plan to be a speaker to 17 years old girls and save at least 100 Aditis in your life. If you don’t do, this saga will go on for several more generations uninterrupted.
Much later, when I stumbled into Zakir Naik on YouTube, I realized how similar his way of trying to convince people and his arguments (on Islam)were to my ex-boyfriend’s !
Reflecting back, I think what happened to me was a combination of Intellectual jihad and Love Jihad.
What saved me was my upbringing, and a rather controlled college environment with strict check in checkout times for hostels, which was a blessing(in retrospect) that students today after three decades might not have!
We are fully convinced that you did not cross borders. Yes, your upbringing has lots to do with it. Hostels controls help but it goes only to so far and one can bypass it, if wished. We are glad you did not got slaved out and saved the best for your true love.
For sure, the ‘borders’ were never crossed and today it makes me truly thank my conservative environment back then for it!
I was actually very much against conservative environment and blamed it for my defiance (dating) at 17-20.
I thought all my problems were because my mind and confidence was not allowed to blossom emotionally. But today, I am beginning to understand the blessings it brought! Thank you Admin, there wasn’t a way my mind would have changed if it was not for you!
For the last few days, I browsed this website and I am shocked at possibilities of extremely profanity and I understood what ‘ENSLAVING’ actually means! There are things going on that are beyond imagination!
Hindu society need to truly understand love-jihad (as I am beginning to), leave no stone unturned to prevent it and support those who want to come back. Even after facing it I didn’t realize I faced it and I had no clue how 1000 percent more uglier it could get!
Aditi, actually we are really thankful to you for being vocal and speaking out your minds. With your experiences, we can help the society and 1000 other ADITIs.
As much as we love you sharing all your feelings and life-story, we want to remind you that you are on a public website, where information may remain here for years to come. We are requesting you NOT to disclose any point that may come haunting you later.
We are not clear for this point, “I thought all my problems were because my mind and confidence was not allowed to blossom emotionally. But today, I am beginning to understand the blessings it brought!” …meaning?
This “were because my mind and confidence was not allowed to blossom emotionally”, are you talking about at your age 21 or a month before?
“Thank you Admin, there wasn’t a way my mind would have changed if it was not for you!” … we hope we did not try to manipulate you. We assume you are 50 something, meaning mature, so we are not concerned but if you were 22, we would worry–hope we are not brainwashing Aditi.
Readers: Here someone (Aditi) is willing to be honest and share her life story for benefit of others. Be respectful to her feelings and privacy. We have seen in life that “a barking dog does not bite”, meaning many girls “look” “bad” in society’s mind are inside truly on tracks while those “obedient” ones may be doing something silently, that we will never know. Basically, don’t judge others, just listen!
On “Hope we are not brainwashing Aditi.”
Not at all!
You raised some great questions and it helped me reflect on a lot of things that I had buried three decades ago, in light of information on the website and other people’s stories here.
I found that the ‘pressure for conversion’ is much more common than I ever thought and is almost a 100 percent ’ based on blogs I read here.
It helped me revise my own definition of ‘love jihaad’. When we look at the term love-jihaad in the news and media, we are unable to comprehend the seriousness of it. We think it is a fringe thing that some very staunch and sinister Muslim groups do by FAKING the liking for a girl and then getting married and forcefully converting them.
However, I realized that love-jihad is not fringe!
It is each and every Hindu-Muslim relationship where Hindu enters assuming equality and freedom, but in 99.99 percent cases he/she then face immense pressure to convert.
Pressure that is direct/indirect/by the partner or his family/ during dating / as precondition to marriage / as a condition for simplicity of future child’s life; does not matter how, to me it’s all love jihad when the condition (to convert) is first hidden and brought to fore at a later point. This is what Admin says and to me now it makes perfect sense!
Some might say that it’s not love-jihad if Hindu is atheist/agnostic to begin with. However even if a Hindu is atheist he is still a Hindu: a naastik- Hindu.
He/she still has a chance to explore spirituality / dharmik path that is fit for him at a later point in life.
To snatch this chance away from a Hindu, disintegrate him from his roots and make him/her commit to a single book and not allowing to explore is a crime!
About being respectful:
I have been extremely honest with my story here, and tried to go through how I felt at each point in my life in great detail.
I want many Aditis to stumble into my story, and understand that if they are feeling the same and feeling suffocated, problem is not in them, but in the other person’s conditions and their desire to change you.
Also, I want Aditis to be able to project a bright future for themselves, and get courage to walk away from a relationship that isn’t working for them. No one can break your soul! Think of all the strong women fighters our culture has given us: you are no different: you are shakti if you believe it!
How much I will be judged here will show how prepared our society is to take on the battle of love jihad and of equality in interfaith marriages!
On “I thought all my problems were because my mind and confidence was not allowed to blossom emotionally. But today, I am beginning to understand the blessings it brought!” …meaning?
—-Means that I always thought that I started dating the guy in the first place because I was raised in a strict environment (where no friends: girls or boys were allowed) and I felt that made me defiant.
This “were because my mind and confidence was not allowed to blossom emotionally”, are you talking about at your age 21 or a month before?
— I was referring to happenings before age 21.
In retrospect, I feel that it’s good that things happened before age 21.
As if later in life things happen, more and more independent one feels and more and more one commits/invests in relationship, and harder and harder it would be to break away.
My dating experience actually ingrained very strong thoughts in my mind, and I became extremely sure that in a few years, i would like to marry someone via a more traditional route /no prolonged dating as I had become aware of unnecessary trauma that dating brings.
You said, “not allowing to explore is a crime!“. We fully know in current secular laws, you cannot put one rupee dent on him. However, he clearly knew you are a Hindu and his family is super conservative, that means he knew well on the first day that you MUST convert if ever relationship goes serious. Further, he knew Allah does not like hair being displayed while here he is praising exactly that, your hair. Once he got the fish on the hook, he totally changed, controlled/imprisoned you for 4 years, did not let you talk to your friends, and instead of enjoying nature and movies in your young life, make you listen 4 years his Islamic preaching, and in the end, he just walk away free, like nothing happened.
you must have spend months crying after that. He left deep scares in your life. It must have lowered your self-esteem and your quality of life. You may have got suicidal ideologies. What would be years of imprisonment if someone hold a girl hostage (like he did) but not using “LOVE” pretence?
What would you tell him if you meet today?
Unfortunately, your case is not a rare one but, for us, every month case. There must be millions others who never reported like you did. Read this very interesting case presented by an Indian celebrity, where the Muslim married her just to take her to bed. Read more here… https://interfaithshaadi.org/i-want-to-end-my-life/ And all these going on just in name of Allah???
He left deep scares in your life. It must have lowered your self-esteem and your quality of life. You may have got suicidal ideologies.
Yes, this relationship did leave deep scars on me, and did lower my self-esteem immensely.
The impact of my boy-friend’s presence in my life was extremely clear to those around me. I dressed the way that was not my original way, I hardly talked and started talking softer and softer, even when I enjoyed singing and dancing with other girls, his teachings flooded my mind, I didn’t participate in singing/dancing competitions that all other girls had fun with. I acted so submissive in all areas of my life, luckily I focused on my studies and did well on exams, but hardly anything extracurricular.
Girls around me were really disappointed in what I was doing with my life. Dating itself was not uncommon, but no one was doing the self destruction I was doing and no one approved of what I was becoming. When they tried to alert me, I would try to side my boyfriend, and they started giving up on me. We are a social creatures and positive affirmations from those around us are very important specially during formative years. Absence of approval from those around me made the need for presence of my boyfriend in life more and more important.
Once I moved on, I still dealt with low self esteem for years. I always felt that others are not approving of me even after my environment changed, and the people around me changed(job). I hated myself for choosing wrongly earlier and being blind to what everyone else was trying to tell me.
After college I was also looking forward to a life without anyone calling shots in my life. I was never suicidal.
What would be years of imprisonment if someone hold a girl hostage (like he did) but not using “LOVE” pretence?
I cannot even begin to imagine their pain, and their parents. Imagine a girl who are taken away from her home, and put in hijab ; never to be able to see her parents again. I would think their soul will be impacted not for this one but several lifetimes! Thanks to Modiji for making the life easier for a few of them!
What would you tell him if you meet today?
I am so glad our relationship didn’t go anywhere!
I wish you had told me upfront that the relationship was coming with “terms and conditions”.
But also thank you, because of all the conditioning you tried to do, I am not a Pseudo secular Hindu today who says all religions are the same!
Read this very interesting case presented by an Indian celebrity, where the Muslim married her just to take her to bed.
Yes I read many many stories in last few days including this one , and then only got to know the gravity of the situation!
What was done with her by her BF was absolute crime. I bow down to you and others on this website who took her out of that poisonous relationship!
Women need such support from the society; they need people who tell them that they can call quits and they can rise without a partner if relationship is so abusive!
PS: I think girls and guys around me had better idea of where the relationship was going than I did. One time , a girlfriend even tried to tell me about a Muslim-Hindu marriage In her family but I listened to no one blinded by the love confessed by my boyfriend.
Admin- my story and the message I have from my story is running a lot through my mind, and also whether it was love jihad.
My story is not of love jihad if we think of Love Jihad as it is used in media/news/reported in so many blogs here where women have been utterly violated and cheated.
However, my story tells that even the most educated of Muslims, those who most will think of as open, fair and secular are potentially very staunch.
In their personal lives, they or someone close (their parents)believe in Quran as is, they can be super charming in the beginning but will be hell bent on converting you one way or another at a later point for one reason or another.
More likely than not Hindu thought process won’t be tolerated and will be ridiculed.
Also, a lot of restrictions will come onto you even in the most educated Muslim families: hijab- food preference – dressing – talking to other men even if within family .
It is best to marry in a culture that provides you equality and freedom to choose/change/explore different paths at any point in life!
Hi Aditi,
Come to think of it, we are proud of you parents. They give you a top notch education and great culture (thought, don’t have to be this good!!). You are intelligent and a great writer. Understood you made a mistake at 17, but who does not make mistakes in life? Actually, because of your parents’ deep ingrained teachings, that Islamist cannot make you budge an inch even after 4 years of relentless efforts. It is not critical if a traveler got lost, as far as he/she reaches to the destination in time.
The best part of your story is that you left him on your own terms. If your parents forced you to break up when you were in the middle of your love; you would still be regretting for your lost love, even that love was a fake one. Even after 30 some years, today you are truly enjoying your husband fully. No one is perfect, but now you see lots of beauty in your husband today because hubby is 1000% better than that male-dominant boyfriend. Your husband is happy with you because he is enjoying all that great culture ingrained into you by your parents.
We don’t know how you feel but we recommend you to give a call to your parents to thank them for making you this successful and truly happy person today. Enjoy this life to fullest. Best wishes!
Thank You Admin!
The conversations on this website provided me a chance to look at my past in an entirely new light!
I today bow down to my parents and grandparents ; I will take your suggestion and will definitely give my parents a call! Thank You again for creating this platform!
Only mistake my parents probably made in my upbringing was telling me that ‘ All Religions are the Same’!!!
This is a grave mistake parents can made, that is to say that all religions are the same. They are NOT! Further, don’t teach that there is only one God and all pray to the same, because that imply that all others have the same teachings and beliefs. It is NOT. The God (or no God) concept in all faiths are different and many times in contrast to other’s teachings.
Further, all Hindu parents should buy 1) The Holy Geeta, Swami Chinmayananda, 2) N. J. Dawood, The Koran, Penguin Books, and 3) The Holy Bible by The Gideons. Let them browse through when ever a question comes up. This is the only way to prepare kids for a potential interfaith relationship.
Aditi (a personal note), please use the “Reply” function. Check on a desktop to see what we are trying to say. We moved your comment from top to here since you answered our question here.
Q: How much do you feel his love was innocent or may be there was something more in his mind?
No way for me to really know what was in his mind but reflecting back, I think it was not innocent love.
Innocent love is pure and is responsible!
If you truly love someone, you make sure you are not doing something to hurt the person you love.
In innocent love , you enter into the relationship knowing that you will stand with that person over everything else and all life’s challenges, and you somewhere ASSUME that other person will do the same for you. When other person brings a third thing ‘conditions of Islam’ later in the relationship it is treachery and treason!
In my relationship within the first couple years, I realized that I don’t want to be in it. I tried to break up, but every-time he convinced me back, saying he can’t live without me and somehow we will find a way, until I gave up trying to break up. If it was innocent love, he would have set me free.
If I think why he wanted to hold on to me so bad, it was probably because I was the only person in the whole wide world who was open to listen to his never- ending preachings on Islam, and justifying its practices. That’s what we talked during most of our meeting time anyways, specially after the relationship moved past initial phases of knowing each other! I am a great listener and I really try to listen and understand everyone I meet with an open mind; maybe that’s what really worked against me!
This is interesting, “if we are passing by a temple and I do namaste in front, he would criticize that god is not praying in passing.” Why not? Why God opens up doors to see us only at Fajr 5:28 AM, Dhuhr 1:09 PM, Asr 4:46 PM, Maghrib 7:35 PM and Isha 8:49 PM? When the Daylight Saving Time is changed, who informs it to God? Why God must be prayed only in the direction of Saudi Arabia? Why it is assumed that the world is flat while deciding the direction to Saudi Arabia? What if the world is round and you are on the opposite side of the globe? Why God is sitting up there and left us alone on earth and two will unite only the Judgment Day? Why this “I believe we are all pure souls in need to peeling off the layers of untruth to shine and attain moksha.” is absolutely false? Who decides?
I believe we are all pure souls in need to peeling off the layers of untruth to shine and attain moksha.
OR
God opens up doors to see us only at Fajr 5:28 AM, Dhuhr 1:09 PM, Asr 4:46 PM, Maghrib 7:35 PM and Isha 8:49 PM?
Who decides?
The truth is that a common practitioner of either doesn’t knows the truth!
But when both parties practice both these belief systems do they see themselves changing? Do they both see the benefits – YES
By having the disciple to pray And do physical moves 5 times a day and try to connect to a power bigger than you, makes your ego subside , makes you healthier , makes you disciplined and increases your will power immensely! Will one see big changes in oneself after following disciplined practices 5 times a day .. BIG YES ! Science can prove it too! But can they see anyone enter the jannat while doing it ? NO!
Similarly, while peeling layers of untruth simplistically meaning breaking down layers of say jealousy , ego by choosing any dharmic path( e.g Bhakti yoga) , will one start feeling changes in oneself .. YES for sure. But do all practitioners really know what moksha feels like ! NO!
Therefore, we have gurus to lead on these paths!
Watch this beautiful video by Sadhguru:
A beautiful answer by Sadhguru:
https://youtu.be/JerYnt4l3ic
PS : again choosing a path that’s fit for an individual and his seeking is a luxury only a Hindu has, everyone has to just believe a book!
On “when both parties practice both these belief systems”…
My book title is Share and Respect with Equality. Here , “Share” means to go a mosque on Friday, a mandir on Saturday and a church on Sunday. Likewise, Hindu keep Rosa and Muslim fast for Diwali. If the other party is not willing to share, just walk away. This may be okay for a pluralist but not acceptable at all for a supremacist exclusivist.
What would you tell to a Hindu girl (just like you at your 17) who is in love with a Muslim?
Why Hindus have low expectations from a Muslim lover?
Why it is accepted by the Hindu society that Muslim will not do XYZ, while the Hindu party kept Rosa, do not feel offended when he declined prasad and even Hindu ready to convert for love?
Why there is only one directional love, while his first love is only for Islam?
Why Hindus have low self-esteem, even they may be in majority? Is that because of past 900 years of slavery?
Where is Equality of Two faiths in your relationship?
If highly educated and protected girl like you cannot do, what would be a situation of a poor uneducated girl in Pakistan?
When will Hindus learn to be proud of themselves?
What would you tell a 17 years old Hindu girl in love with a Muslim today?
If you are a 17 year old girl, regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not, make your studies, or any other vocational training you are pursuing , your FIRST priority!
Make sure that you are not planning on being dependent on ‘good luck’ of being married to a good man for security in life. A lot of unexpected things happen in life, and if you are financially independent you can maneuver the roads of life with much more ease than if you are dependent on someone for your basic needs! So at 17, MAKE yourself reliance your FIRST PRIORITY! Every 17 something can work on developing a skill that can make self reliance possible!
If you are in love with a Muslim boy, learn about not only his but also his family’s belief system in as much detail as possible. Also, try to deeply study the Hindu way of life and how it is different from monotheistic religions (ones that believe that only their way is right and only their God is true). Think about what you value about your culture and your upbringing. Then, compare and contrast with his. This website and people here can help you with a lot of information.
Also, just like a country, projects a 5 year plan, project your life into the future and try role playing some scenarios:
1. What will you be doing in 5 years? Where will you be living ? Will you be working? What will you be wearing? Will you like to get married in 5-10 years?
2. How will your wedding look like? If you marry your Muslim boyfriend, most likely, it won’t be a Hindu wedding as idol worship is not allowed in Islam, and your boyfriend and his family won’t be able to do the ceremonies. Will it be a court marriage? Will your in-laws force you for a nikah/shahdah (conversion to Islam and give you a new name)?
3. How will your family be feeling at that point? How will you be feeling?
4. If you do nikah/shahadah and convert, will you be able to accept the Muslim way of life completely as there will be ever increasing pressure to do one thing after another. Once you do the headscarf/ or burkha, then will come the 5 time prayers- once you do that then a request to cook /eat things (meats) you never cooked and smelled – once you do that then fasting for Ramadan…a never ending to-do List to make family happy. Fulfilling those expectations will be extremely hard for you but will be basic necessities in their household.
5. If you do nikaah and convert, your husband ( with a pure heart) might marry his female cousin as cousin got into a difficult situation in life. He will be well justified by Islam to do it? Will you be able to deal with this? (polygamy allowed for Muslim men in many countries including India)
6. You will also be overhearing bad things about Hindus (your past self and your parents) in the circles you will move into, even if your husband and in-laws are nicest people in the world.
7. You will not be able to participate in the Hindu festivals that you participated in your whole life. Your kids will be Muslims with Muslim names that your Hindu parents will have hard time pronouncing. Further, your children won’t be able to join your parents and their Hindu cousins for festivals as those will considered idol worship.
8. If you remain a Hindu, you will be able to participate in say weddings, poojas and festivals at your Mom-Dad’s home but your husband, kids and other in-laws family members won’t be able to participate.
9. Your inlaws and husband will be uncomfortable visiting your mom dads home if there are Rama, Krishna, Devi’s pictures everywhere like in a usual Hindu home.
Quiz your boyfriend and role play “Future life” with him (considering not just two of you but both your old parents, siblings and future kids) and try to think how your future will look like together.
Also, use resources on this website to understand how a devout Muslim feels about Hindus. A 17 year old boy you are dating might not be a devout Muslim at this time, but as people age in life they usually become more and more religious and protective of their faiths. If you don’t trust me, look at everyone around you.
Look at his Dad and uncles to get an idea about how your 40 something boyfriend will probably look like and what his belief system might look like in the future. Look at his sisters and close relatives and that will give you an idea about what will be expected from you in his household.
Ask your heart about how you feel today about this relationship? Is there a lot of pressure to adapt Islamic “truth” already, and do you already feel a little suffocated?
If today’s condition or future projection doesn’t feel right, please break yourself free! It’s not going to be easy but it’s worth it, read my story and see how life unfolded for me!
Please make an informed decision, and have courage to call it quits if that feels the RIGHT decision for YOU even if he begs to not break up!
If carrying on the relationship makes sense for you after weighing in your options, then start thinking about what equality will look like for your interfaith relationship (no conversion- both religions allowed in house/ your mandir allowed in the house – kids learn both faiths and get neutral names).
Interfaith Shaadi has loads of resources to help you understand what equality should look like in an interfaith relationship. Make sure your boyfriend agrees on your thoughts on an interfaith relationship with EQUALITY if you decide to carry on with your relationship.
If he doesn’t agree, then understand that you are not 1st priority in his life to begin with! RUN!!!
Reply at https://interfaithshaadi.org/10-points-hindu-muslim-love-age-17/
Why Hindus have low expectations from a Muslim lover?
Your video and your other comments hits the nail on the head to answer this question.
It all creeps in very Very slowly!
Hindus enter into the relationship assuming 100 percent equality. Even in there own Hindu homes they have seen different people praying different forms of Bhagwan; Dad could be a Rama fan, mom could be Krishna bhakt And list can go on an on. Someone fasts on Monday for Shivji; another one decides to fast on Tuesday for hanumanji, and everyone helps one another.
So Hindus cheerfully start volunteering in Islamic customs without even thinking twice or being asked.
They accept Islamic partners wishes to not do Hindu practices as their wish.
Things are hunky dory in the beginnning.
The problems starts coming into paradise when Hindu partner’s participation starts to be demanded and becomes non-voluntary.
Final bullet is the conversion conversation.
By this time it’s too late and responsibility to fall in line, and only option to save the relationship becomes conversion as you said.
Why Hindus have low self-esteem, even they may be in majority?
To have a high self esteem: what do we need?
First of all we need knowledge and understanding of what our culture is and what’s at risk!
When Hindus agree to fake-convert, they have absolutely no idea what they are giving up on! Education/Media/Bollywood controlled by Communists/Islamists/Christians did a great job at hiding information that we could be proud of and propagating mis informations that makes us uncomfortable. They maligned our gurus and broke down the social fabric
Most of us have the value system encoded in ourselves but very few can verbalize and compare and contrast.
For example, in previous generation of Hindu society it was encoded from experiences of partition that Hindu-Muslim marriage is a no-no. Their kids intuitively know they are entering risky territory when they date a Muslim, but they can’t come up with intelligent reasons.
However, things are now changing slowly but surely, as more and more information is becoming available to the masses with social media.
Where is Equality of Two faiths in your relationship?
3/10 as I still did a few of Hindu things. Never gave up my festivals and customs, less points because I participated in his but he didn’t in mine. It would have been 0/10 if we were ever married.
When will Hindus learn to be proud of themselves?
I feel a renaissance has begun, today we are talking and discussing things much more openly that we have not done in a very long time(centuries) as Hindus. Talking about Hindu rights is Not as fringe anymore as it used to be just a few years ago. How fast we can go and how many people Hindu pride will touch and how soon depends on how many people get behind it, how we organize !
In sum, I think his liking for me was genuine but his acceptance of me as a wife was dependent on whether I was able to fully adopt, accept and appreciate Islamic way of life(not just a fake conversion), and whether he could see a future family that was pretty religious and abide by Allah’s path. He tried his best to make me that way.
On the other hand my love for him did not depend on what each of us believed in, and I’d have married him even if he would not even step into a temple.
Did you two celebrate each other’s holidays? Did he greet you as Happy Diwali? Did you greet him for Ramadan?
There is a stark contrast. He was looking for an obedient Muslim wife wearing head cover for life. Why was he fluttering with you, who was modern, wearing western cloths and a Hindu? What was his intention? Why he did not date a Muslim girl, wearing hijab and performing namaz five times a day? Was his intention just fun (with kafir?) or convert you some day?
Koran 24:30 says Muslim should not get into love relation before marriage. Being a good Muslim, why he ignored Koranic teachings? Did some one questioned his intention as love-jihad?
It is interesting that he was very possessive. He did not want you to talk to any one else in college. Did your friend circle changed from all Hindu to most Muslims? This is a good strategy to isolate you from your culture and heritage, and thus it gets easy to impose his Islamic ideologies. Probably your strong Hindu foundation installed by your parents was not easy for him to wash it off. Realising you cannot be converted easily, probably he decided not to continue relationship.
There is just so much other girls should learn from your experiences.
Did you two celebrate each other’s holidays?
I don’t really remember wishing each other.
However, when one is in love one starts adopting what your loved one is doing. For instance, in my case I started keeping roza because he wasn’t eating and then the excitement of going and eating out doubles(after a fast). However, there wasn’t really much he could participate in that I did e.g going to the temple for janmashtami as I love singing/ listening to bhajans and be part of festive environment. He just could never even think of participating as it would come in way of his beliefs.
Did your friend circle changed from all Hindu to most Muslims?
No, we had very few Muslims in our college, I think, and it was not hometown for either one of us. So, there was no possibility of a majorly Muslim circle. But it’s true that I did feel alienated and alone because I knew other girls didn’t approve of what I was doing, and as a social creature one needs approval from those around him or her. I was lucky to have few girls in my life who loved me unconditionally regardless of whether they approved or not and those friendships are alive till date.
Was his intention just fun (with kafir?) or convert you some day? Was it love Jihad?
I don’t think it was love jihad, else he had a good chance to marry me; I would have done so because commitment was instilled in me and he knew that. At that time, I might even have converted for sake of marriage (not because I was convinced). I remember asking him if he would marry me if I convert, he said he doesn’t want me to convert for sake of someone or a marriage but he’d love to see that one day in my life I understand Islam and accept it then. So, I don’t think he was a person with a sinister design in mind, he genuinely believed in what he believed in, and wanted me to genuinely see value in Islam as well.
Why he did it– this question bugged me then and it haunts me even today.
I think he saw this girl(me), liked her and boldly showered appreciations for thrill of it. He probably didn’t even think that it was possible that this thing will take off!
We started talking casually at first, and it was an exploration of faiths journey for both of us. Along the way, I realized that there are compatibility issues (widely different worldview) but I didn’t say anything and still wanted to be together for the sake of ‘commitment’, and belief that adjust to karna padta hai (you have to do it). He probably realized the same thing that even if somehow I convert and somehow he convinces his parents (it would have been an uphill task), if I am not fully bought into the ideology, there will be incorrigible differences.
I’d think that’s was the best outcome in my case, that he took that step. I wish that I knew the challenges of interfaith relationships as a teen , then it would not have taken 4 years and a heartbreak to realize the incompatibility in interfaith relationships.
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You are a great writer and provided details to make the story interesting (like Sherlock Homes). We hope someday you will consider writing a book on your life experiences. We have already made a skeleton of your book, you just have to provide additional details and your personal reflections of the event. Later, you weave in social, political and religious points to make your experience useful to society. Simple. Best luck!
What does this mean, “our relationships wasn’t that formal!” You were in a relationship for 4 years where he was deciding what you can wear and who you can to talk (even probably your loving husband is not doing now), how formal it has to be to greet someone Happy Diwali!
He was trying to please you all different ways, would you not be happy if he remained vegetarian for five days of Diwali? Is it too much to ask from a lover?
Aditi, sorry, we are not here to put you in a difficult situation. Actually, we have seen all hundred of Hindu girls we dealt with, with the same submissive thinking process. Note we are not talking here to “Aditi at 17” but asking the society for what is fair and what is not.
In America, now there is a Black Lives Matter movement, after hundreds of years of slavery. Why not Hindus should start Hindus Lives Matter movement, especially for interfaith marriages?
Please note, we are not promoting supremacist ideologies amongst Hindus, but simply asking 50% (true equality), that’s all. Are we being unfair?
First things first, as a proud Hindu woman, I don’t feel like I am in anyone’s hands other than bhagwan’s/or my karma that saved me 🙂 ! I am a complete life on my self exploration journey, and lucky to have a great partner and family to share journey of this lifetime!
Before answering the questions you asked, I’d like to thank you for providing such a unique platform. I hope that my story helps someone who is considering an interfaith relationship.
This should clarify the questions you have :
Parental / Dad’s control :
While growing up, for a good reason, my Dad wanted from me nothing but the best in all different ways. I was imposed many restrictions as a child and it was too much for me. For studies my dad was like “all study no fun” person. For fun, I used to put Sherlock Holmes inside the course books and pretend studying as I had no rights to negotiate on anything. On the religious front at home we did poojas, which I found boring. Hindu rituals were forced on us. No one provided us with any explanations for it. I was grilled after coming back from friend’s(girls) home as to what exactly happened and what we discussed.
How I fell for him and how he convinced me:
It all started when I was 17 when I stepped out of home and the city for college in Baroda (Vadodara, Gujarat). I felt like I had wings and could do whatever I wanted. This guy(my ex boyfriend- a Muslim) and I were in the same class in the first year of college.
Once I got a haircut and he complimented me on how great I looked with that haircut. Then he started showering me with compliments. I was raised in an environment where I was never good enough. Realizing I am worth something, I got attracted to him. I liked his attention to details about me and had nothing but admirations about me.
Why I felt he was controlling was because throughout our relationship I felt that my Hindu way of life was dissected in every conversation and a Muslim way of life where a woman was not equal to a man was held supreme.
If he saw me talking to another guy, he would get insecure and upset! I actually stopped talking to all the guys in college, to please him. At that time, I understood that he lived in a very different world than mine.
When I asked about his thoughts on burkha, he convinced me why it was the right thing and how he would like his future wife to wear it. Knowing his conservative views, it was implied that I mostly dressed in salwar kameez during college days even though I was raised in a much liberal family where western outfits were as acceptable as Indian outfits.
Dear Aditi, this will certainly help many many 17 years old innocents. Please come back to guide other girls here for years to come.
What was wrong in singing? what was his views on polygamy? Why he felt women are not equal? What is less in women than men? Was his mother also burka clad? Did you met his sister, again, was she surpassed?
What else he glorified about Islam, that you were not convince about? What you started liking about Islam after his preaching? Did you start getting more negative about Hinduism (at 18) after his brain-washings?
These are points people in love have to know and may help them.
Hi Adirti,
Thank you for sharing your life story. It is great that you feel you got saved and now in good hands. We wish you the best.
You left out a few details, if you care to share. Why you said “I was moving out of my parents’ control”, can you explain with some examples?
We understood that you met your Muslim boyfriend in college. How did you meet the first time? How did he managed to convince you to fall in relationship with him? You said he was controlling, can you give examples of how he was manipulating you?