To further prepare new adults in interfaith love relationship, here are some frequently asked questions (FAQ) to help make fully informed decisions.
What is the main message here?
Interfaith relationships should be based on mutual respect for both faiths, and marriage should be solemnized without imposing religious conversion on a spouse. After marriage, both spouse’s faiths should get equal respect and consideration at home and in raising children.
Is religious conversion for marriage wrong?
Not if it is discussed early on in the relationship and agreed to by both parties, without coercion. Some conservative Islamic and Christian families still believe in the superiority of their faiths, thus forcing the spouse-to-be of any other faith to convert to their faith before an Islamic nikaah or a church wedding can take place. Such expectations should be discussed upfront before getting into an intimate relationship. After years of romantic relationship, to ask an intended spouse to give up his or her religion just before the wedding is not only HIGHLY UNETHICAL, but also will surely lead to marital discord. In such cases, the coerced spouse will surely feel cheated at a time when he/she is expected to experience some of the sweetest memories of his/her life. It may sow doubt in their heart about whether their spouse deceptively practiced proselytism under the guise of love.
What is wrong if one converts to a new faith for the sake of a marriage, but is allowed to practice his/her own faith after the marriage?
Be careful—religious conversion is not a hollow ritual devoid of any meaning or consequences. Let’s take a Christian-Muslim marriage as an example. As per the shahadah oath to convert to Islam for nikaah, you accept and declare that there is no God but Allah and Mohammad is His messenger. Further, you acknowledge that associating others (like Jesus) with Allah is the greatest of all sins. Similarly, baptism before a church wedding means conversion to Christianity and a commitment to repudiate former practices (of Islam) and to live with Christ forever. You must ask yourself what is your true intention.
What religion my children will follow?
This should be the MOST CRITICAL question in an interfaith relationship, even if there was no conversion required for the marriage ceremony. Ask if your intended spouse expects your sons and daughters to have baptism, bris, bar/bat mitzvah or sunat (BBS) to declare their faith for life.
How is the decision to select a faith usually made?
In most cases, the decision for selection of the faith for the spouse and children is made to please the more rigid and intolerant spouse, or the more stubborn parents/community. If one spouse feels that he/she is giving in to coercion, it will sow the seeds of future marital discord.
Are the above questions relevant to Hindus?
The “Dharmic” religions (Hindus, Jains, Sikhs and Buddhists) are not normally accepted or tolerated by the Abrahamic (“People of the Book”) in a marriage. Hindus believe in one Supreme Being, but they are free to worship His/Her manifestations in many forms, including female forms. However, this practice is forbidden in Christianity, Judaism and Islam and can pose a serious issue when it comes to “puja” of various Hindu forms of God. According to the Ten Commandments : “I am the Lord your God. You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God… punishing children for the inequity of parents, to the third and fourth generations of those who reject me.”
Can we teach our children both religions?
It is difficult. Young children may get confused with mixed and often conflicting messages. For example, when you take them to a Hindu or Jain temple, you ask them to believe in, respect and bow to several forms of God, essentially a pluralistic message. But when you take them to a mosque or church, they hear just the opposite and exclusive messages. When confronted with such contradiction, children may lose faith in any God or religion.
If my spouse is open-minded, can we get around these religious expectations?
Remember, a marriage is not just the union of two individuals but, believe it or not, a union of two families and two communities. It is ethical to be upfront and honest about your intentions with your new family rather than building life-long relationships based on deception and lies (by fake-conversion).
I’m not so religious. What if I don’t mind religious conversion for the marriage to please my spouse?
Life is full of changes. In general, people tend to return to their roots as they age, especially when they have children. How will you feel if you find yourself irreversibly locked into onerous practices?
Conversion is only a formality; why not do it just to please my spouse and his/her family?
The religious conversion is not a onetime deal; you are setting a new tone for your life. If you feed a shark, it will come back again for more. Similarly, religious conversion for marriage will be followed by the expectation of a declaration of faith for your children via BBS. Later, you may be forbidden to practice your own religion so that your children will not learn about it and follow it. Also, your spouse or his/her family may not like to be part of religious activities while at your parents’ home. Your spouse may insult your parents’ religious practices, and may force you to denounce them in front of your family and friends. When your fantasy honeymoon period ends and transforms into a routine married life, these issues may become sore points in your life.
What if my spouse claims he/she didn’t know beforehand but is asking for it now to please his/her parents?
Do not be convinced by the commonly used old trick of playing innocent. After living with the same parents and community for most of their life, he/she should have known of his/her parents’ and community’s expectations. If he/she did not, then you have the right to question his/her intelligence and honesty.
What is the true test that my intended spouse is not a religious fanatic?
Simple! Just ask for two promises, the second one being the more important:
1) No religious conversion before or after marriage; and
2) No religious labeling (BBS or namasanskara) for your children until they are old enough to decide for themselves.
But what if he or she does not agree?
If someone you are dating lacks tolerance for what you believe in and expects you to forsake your own religion for marriage, even just as a meaningless ritual, you must ask yourself if you are prepared to tolerate the intolerance that is being practiced against you.
Why do so many marriages end in divorce?
Some of the major reasons include expectations that were not fully discussed and the resulting complaints that my “spouse changed” after the marriage. Before entering into an interfaith relationship, find out if he or she has true tolerance for what you are and for your beliefs.
Is a fulfilling relationship possible in an interfaith marriage?
Yes, if the interfaith relationship is based on true mutual respect for religious diversity and both parties are willing to continually work toward a lasting relationship that sometimes includes compromises.
A Chapter from the book Interfaith Marriages: Share and Respect with Equality is posted here. View some of others chapters from the book here.
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