Anju says: July 1, 2016 at 2:35 am
I am also in a similar situation. I am a nair girl in a relationship with a CSI guy. He didnt insist me to convert but he told me that his mom wants him to get married in their church. I understood that if this marriage is to happen it should be in his church. I dont know if CSI allows interfaith marriage in their church. I don’t wish to convert. I am heartbroken.
Could you please help me out? -Anju
Aishwarya says: July 1, 2016 at 8:07 pm
Anju,
As far as I know, I think you will have to convert to get married in the church. Also inquire if you need to sign pre-nupital agreement that you will raise your children as Christians.
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing as I am. I know the sinking feeling. Here are somethings that can help you along the way depending on what you want to do –
If you want to strive for a middle ground:
– Discuss every possible scenario that could up in the future, right now itself. This can be difficult yes. But it will give you a lot of clarity on what his expectations are and what his future plans are, and it is important for you to know this.
– Watch this video. It is quite insightful, ask your partner to watch it as well. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVQGbWaLMec
If you are unsure about what to do, take some time out of this. This can be ever tougher, but it helps. Take some time to focus on yourself and figuring out the answer. Give him the time too to contemplate on his decisions and possible requirements from a marriage with you. This could help lead to more clarity. -Aishwarya
Anju says: July 3, 2016 at 7:14 am
Thanks aishwarya and admin for the support .
I spoke to him about this a lot. We never fight over this. I asked him why is he bringing this up now because he used to tell me he supports interfaith marriages wen he was courting me. That actually gave me more confidence in this relation.
Now he says he doesn’t believe in conversion and getting married. He said he jus wants to male his widowed mom happy. He said that will be her only condition for our marriage as ge is her only son
He showed me pictures of his christian friend who got married to a hindu guy in both church and temple. He said see they are happy and that neither of them converted . Some churches allows such marriages it seems except catholics
We both have no idea if this works for CSI churches. He said he will enquire about the same. If there is a possibility of that then i can breathe. But again this issue made me realise that my idea of raising our children with Faith in both religions or making them choose when they are old enough is not going to work out after reading Aishwarya’s post.
His family is going to insist on baptising our kids which i can guess now I can’t agree to that. It will be a selfish act right!
I am panicking. I want to bring up this subject to him but I really don’t want to know his answer ????
I love him with my heart and soul and don’t want to lose him. But i can’t sacrifice my faith
I have seen this video and well it did not make me happy wen he said unterfaith marriages are hard to work out :(.
I will ask my bf to watch it though. -Anju
Aishwarya says: July 16, 2016 at 6:19 pm
It is the harsh reality Anju. Interfaith couples have way more demons to fight than normal couples. And in India, it is almost impossible to have a scenario where everyone is happy about it. Sacrifices and compromises have to happen – it depends on how much compromise one can tolerate.
I do not think a CSI church would allow for a marriage with a non believer. Conversion might be required. However, you may find a pastor or someone who may agree to marry you legally without you requiring baptism. As far as the children are concerned, even thought you are scared to ask him, this is the right time to do so. Otherwise you will always remain scared about this and it will definitely become a bad scenario if this comes up later in life. Depending on his answer, you can take an informed decision.
I understand just HOW hard it is when you say you love and cannot leave him and yet you cannot sacrifice your faith. Here are somethings that you can consider –
1. Technically, Hinduism is very broad as as a faith. Hinduism includes a diversity of ideas on spirituality and traditions, but has no ecclesiastical order, no unquestionable religious authorities, no governing body, no prophet(s) nor any binding holy book; Hindus can choose to be polytheistic, pantheistic, monotheistic, monistic, agnostic, atheistic or humanist. In your situation, if you are 100% sure you want to be with him but are uncomfortable about converting, you can think of baptism as adding to your religious values as a Hindu, not taking away. Hinduism at its core talks about spirituality and dharma more than God and worship, and you can choose to continue believing in the same, while having baptised for the sake of his family and community. – This advice obviously has some flaws and is mostly for you to feel a little comfortable in your head about baptism, although the feminist in me would ask you to stand up for yourself and what you believe in.
2. You could also view child baptism as an act to introduce the child to the church community. A Christian is technically someone who believes in his/her that Jesus is his/her savior. Baptising the child only makes him/her Christian on paper. It is accepting him as God and accepting his word that truly makes someone a Christian.
If its just the idea of converting on paper, or having kids baptized that is bothering you, you could see it alternately as I explained above. If there is something more than that that is bothering you, you will have to talk it out with him. Do not be afraid Anju. Fear right now is not going to get you anywhere. And people always take the wrong decision in fear. You can turn around this situation and make it a win-win situation for both of you if you discuss everything out and take a rational decision. His widowed mom is just as important to him as your parents are to you. Consider everything that is present, lay it all out on the table and pick your battles. And the sooner you accept that it is not going to be extremely rosy, the better. You will have to work towards making your wedding and marriage work so that there is minimal hurt on those involved in the picture. –Aishwarya
Also read: Interfaith marriage with equality (Video), Hindu-Christian Marriage, Will Gandhi go to Hell since he was not Baptized?, Bible on Hindus?, Idol-Worshippers, I am a Christian mother, I converted without knowledge of my family, I am Christian getting married to a Hindu, Do all Christians go to Heaven?, Ignorent Molly trying to convert a Krishna believer to Christianity ..a video, Namastey London movie…intolerant Christians ..a video, All religions are not same, A Hindu America?, Why I am a Hindu?, A fundamentalist Christian, Why I came back to Hinduism?, Dharma is not the same as religion, Text book on How to convert Hindu Students to Christianity,
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Telugu Brahmin with Christian Syrian Marthoma
Hi,
I’m a Muslim and my bf is a CSI. We have been in a relationship for almost 9 years and wish to marry each other. I am not willing to convert my religion neither he asked me to do so. But I’m fine with our kids getting baptized. Is there any way to convince our parents and the church (no nikkah as it is impossible) to allow us to marry?
Reply at https://interfaithshaadi.org/relationship-muslim-csi-christian/
Hello,
My name is priya, I’m a Hindu girl. I’m in a relationship with a person who is CSI. It’s been 4 years since our relationship started.
From the beginning I know I can’t be with him because he is Christian moreover his father is a priest. I never forced him to marry me but I can’t leave him. I’m ready to convert my religion. And I truly believe in Christianity. He don’t force me to convert may be he knows that it will not work because of his family. I can understand the situation but is there any way to solve this? I really love him and his family I don’t want them to be in a problem because of me. But still I want to be a part of them. Please help me with my situation.
Reply at https://interfaithshaadi.org/?p=13364
I am in relationship with CSI guy..Suddenly he is saying that CSI Christians won’t accept love marriage even I am ready to convert and I am ready to speak with my parents..He is saying that In Bible there is a thing relationship with someone is wrong.Is it true?
Reply at https://interfaithshaadi.org/?p=12658
Hi admin and Aishwarya,
Thanks a lot for ur valuable advise. We discussed this and i told him my fears and that how i am not willing to change my faith for the sake of society. And guess what? He told me he will make his family understand and that he cant live without me. Touchwood. He is ready to register our marriage n hv a small party fr near and dear ones 🙂 i feel guilty on doubting his love 🙁 m thankful to god for giving me this wonderful person to share my life with. :). Hope evryone is as broad minded and that they give more importance to our life rather than all this community dos and donts :).
And about children. He didnt say anything about baptising them. Actually i dnt mind. We will bring them up as equally broad minded 🙂
Thank u all
Hi Anju,
Congratulations. We are glad that you decided to be truthful and declined fake-baptism for the sake of society. We are very happy that he realized truth and agreed not to baptize you. We are glad he is ready to accept you for what you are; and not convert you to something you are not. Bravo!
Next step: You said he agreed. How about his family? We don’t mean to doubt him/them but we have seen many cases where the boy will change when the mother start crying or when the church declines burial rights of his parents. Best is not to assume, but talk directly with his parents.
Make it clear that your children also will not be baptized. Like Barack Obama, tell him that you will give them education of both faiths and in the end your children will decide their own religious fate. Is it not logical?
Why you said you don’t mind your children being Christians? Being Christian means following the Bible and, most likely, attending church every Sunday. Are you ready to sit down with your children everyday and recite this Bible? The church may install poison in your children’s mind that you and your parents are idol-worshippers and follow false Gods. There is nothing you have to gain by your children going to church every Sunday. Instead, you are better of teaching your children greatness of Jesus and Krishna in your own home. There is nothing you have to gain by baptizing your children. Just like he agreed to marry you out of his church, he will also agree not to baptize your children; simple. It is only a matter of asking, so why not ask now?
Always promise less but produce more. After marriage and children, if you feel like, go ahead and all of you get baptized and attend church every Sunday. We do not have any problem with what ever you want to do. However, we request you to keep all your options open till children arrive. Let us know what is wrong in this strategy?
Thanks aishwarya and admin for the support .
I spoke to him about this a lot. We never fight over this. I asked him why is he bringing this up now because he used to tell me he supports interfaith marriages wen he was courting me. That actually gave me more confidence in this relation.
Now he says he doesn’t believe in conversion and getting married. He said he jus wants to male his widowed mom happy. He said that will be her only condition for our marriage as ge is her only son
He showed me pictures of his christian friend who got married to a hindu guy in both church and temple. He said see they are happy and that neither of them converted . Some churches allows such marriages it seems except catholics
.
We both have no idea if this works for CSI churches. He said he will enquire about the same. If there is a possibility of that then i can breathe. But again this issue made me realise that my idea of raising our children with Faith in both religions or making them choose when they are old enough is not going to work out after reading Aishwarya’s post.
His family is going to insist on baptising our kids which i can guess now I can’t agree to that. It will be a selfish act right!
I am panicking. I want to bring up this subject to him but I really don’t want to know his answer 🙁
I love him with my heart and soul and don’t want to lose him. But i can’t sacrifice my faith
I have seen this video and well it did not make me happy wen he said unterfaith marriages are hard to work out :(.
I will ask my bf to watch it though.
Hi Anju,
Aishwarya will come back soon to guide you.
Christianity is an exclusivist religion while Hindus are pluralist (Isvar Allah term nam). In general, the church will see you as an idol worshipper and a sinner. They (and his mother) will want you to clean your sins by baptism and thus you could go to heaven on the Judgment Day. Further, they will not want your children any close to teachings of Hinduism (and even distance from your Hindu parents). We are not saying all Christians are like this. The true test for if they are progressive or religious fanatic is–their wishes to baptize you. It does not matter what excuse (my widow mother), but in most case they will not tolerate a “Hindu” in their life. For this reason, keep chanting a mantra that “Anju will not get baptized in this life, take or leave it.”
Why don’t you go directly to any local CSI church and meet the priest there. He/she will explain you all requirements.
Best option you have is the Special Marriage Act 1954. It may take a year or two to convince him.
Meantime, read all recommended articles and videos above. Keep in touch!
It is the harsh reality Anju. Interfaith couples have way more demons to fight than normal couples. And in India, it is almost impossible to have a scenario where everyone is happy about it. Sacrifices and compromises have to happen – it depends on how much compromise one can tolerate.
I do not think a CSI church would allow for a marriage with a non believer. Conversion might be required. However, you may find a pastor or someone who may agree to marry you legally without you requiring baptism. As far as the children are concerned, even thought you are scared to ask him, this is the right time to do so. Otherwise you will always remain scared about this and it will definitely become a bad scenario if this comes up later in life. Depending on his answer, you can take an informed decision.
I understand just HOW hard it is when you say you love and cannot leave him and yet you cannot sacrifice your faith. Here are somethings that you can consider –
1. Technically, Hinduism is very broad as as a faith. Hinduism includes a diversity of ideas on spirituality and traditions, but has no ecclesiastical order, no unquestionable religious authorities, no governing body, no prophet(s) nor any binding holy book; Hindus can choose to be polytheistic, pantheistic, monotheistic, monistic, agnostic, atheistic or humanist. In your situation, if you are 100% sure you want to be with him but are uncomfortable about converting, you can think of baptism as adding to your religious values as a Hindu, not taking away. Hinduism at its core talks about spirituality and dharma more than God and worship, and you can choose to continue believing in the same, while having baptised for the sake of his family and community. – This advice obviously has some flaws and is mostly for you to feel a little comfortable in your head about baptism, although the feminist in me would ask you to stand up for yourself and what you believe in.
2. You could also view child baptism as an act to introduce the child to the church community. A Christian is technically someone who believes in his/her that Jesus is his/her savior. Baptising the child only makes him/her Christian on paper. It is accepting him as God and accepting his word that truly makes someone a Christian.
If its just the idea of converting on paper, or having kids baptized that is bothering you, you could see it alternately as I explained above. If there is something more than that that is bothering you, you will have to talk it out with him. Do not be afraid Anju. Fear right now is not going to get you anywhere. And people always take the wrong decision in fear. You can turn around this situation and make it a win-win situation for both of you if you discuss everything out and take a rational decision. His widowed mom is just as important to him as your parents are to you. Consider everything that is present, lay it all out on the table and pick your battles. And the sooner you accept that it is not going to be extremely rosy, the better. You will have to work towards making your wedding and marriage work so that there is minimal hurt on those involved in the picture.
Aishwarya,
Great advise and also very practical one based on your life experiences. However, we do not agree to this “you can choose to continue believing in the same (Hinduism), while having baptised for the sake of his family and community.” Do not be in a wrong conception that baptism is a hollow ritual devoid of meaning. Christianity is an exclusivist faith, meaning you will not be allowed to mix two faiths. If you are hoping to continue believing in Hinduism, but most probably you will not be allowed to take your children to temple. Further, you will not be allowed to have Hindu deity displayed in your own home. If you do not have faith in the CSI, how can you expect Anju to sit in their church every Sunday for a few hours whole life? We highly recommend not to make lies and deception a foundation of your married life.
Aishwarya,
Welcome to this site as a consultant. You are doing great, please continue to guide and we will keep on sideline, thanks!
It is my pleasure to help. When I read the number of posts on the website, I felt so sad. The education system teaches us a lot of things, one thing that is overlooked is this – which is now making so many people suffer. People from the dharmic faith, or those who are atheists, have to learn that their notions are different from the Abrahamics at the very fundamental level. It is such a fundamental difference that no amount of discussion can help. It is a sad situation for both of them, not just the Dharmic or just the Abrahamic. Both of them suffer equally trying to understand the tennets of the other religion and trying to adjust to this new way of life that they have not had in 20-25 years. Everyone says things like “Dont date somebody outside your caste” but nobody gives a concrete factual reason about WHY EXACTLY it is difficult. Secularity and unity in diversity are still only textbook concepts and nobody is ready to personalize it when it comes to their own personal lives. All parents are oblivious to all this – as long as their religious values are upheld, so be it. Result of which is this – thousands of young people suffering in love, which is so wrong. Love should be happy, the prospect of marrying that person you love should be a happy one and not one ridden with fear and conditions. This website is doing a very good job educating people, if only its message could reach youngsters at the age of 17-21 so that they know what they are getting into, before and not after so many years into the relationship, when it involves so much pain to both sides.
Aishwarya,
You have summarized exact the reason we started working on this field in 2006, started this web site in 2009 and will finish our book “Interfaith Marriage with Equality” soon. The gap between Abrahamic and Dharmic faith is just so wide and is difficult to comprehend unless you get into relationship. The media and Bollywood movies are portraying only half truth. We agree–parents have no clue how to guide their young ones, except make irrational arguments at home. We hope you commit yourself to fill this knowledge gap. We are working and will certainly love to work with you to educate this world.
Its great that you started working on this in 2006 itself. People need to know that there is way more to this than the half baked cultural aspects that movies show – such as celebrating two festivals. It is different when it comes to the deeper matters of faith. Choices are best made when they are informed choices, when the young people know what they are getting into and have all the information rather than stepping into something blindly that could lead to distress later. All the best wishes for the book. I hope it helps young people make the right choices.
We are committed making some difference to youths getting trapped in love without realizing what they got into. This religious conversion for marriage business is just wrong and MUST be stopped. Both couple should have equal right in sharing their faith. Interfaith marriage should be like a salad bowl where tomato and cucumber are together but maintain their distinct identity. We hope to work with you, Aishwarya, to make this world a better place to live for ALL.
Instead of submitting to Morthoma’s irrational demands, work with you boy friend to educate him about true respect for what you are and your faith (even no faith). We have written many articles to help you argue with him. Start with this article. We are sure he is intelligent and not religious fanatic. You will succeed in convincing him to accept you the way you are today, best wishes!