Aishwarya says: June 30, 2016 at 12:31 am
I am in a very similar situation. Please please help me.
I am a 23 year old Hindu (Telugu Brahmin) girl. I have had a Christian (Syrian Marthoma) boyfriend for over 6 years. Religious differences never came up between us for all those years and we were both very happy and very much in love. I poured my heart and soul into the relationship and into being with him. I lied a lot to my parents, did so much for him. He is also a wonderful guy, has been extremely patient with me. He has always been my best friend. I guess I was always living in some dream land that we would have 2 weddings and we would have a 2 faith household and will be able to convince our parents.
Very recently, about 4 months back, I understood what Christianity as a faith meant. I never thought beyond Christmas trees and plum cakes and Sunday church visits. I learnt that it is monotheistic, that there is no concept of ‘all faiths are one’ and that Syrian Marthoma churches do not allow for marriage between a Christian and a non Christian. This has completely shocked me. When I asked him about it, he said that he believes that it is easier to have a household with one faith – whether Hindu or Christian as it is much more peaceful. And wouldnt create complications in terms of children, etc.
He calls himself an exploring Christian. He has a lot of tendencies towards believing and accepting Christianity, but he likes being open to and being receptive about Christianity. His parents are quite devout religious people. They would prefer and expect that I converted to Christianity and had a church wedding, as it is otherwise not fully accepted within their communion. These have all been very unpleasant surprises to me.
I did not know that the Christian faith does not have room for any other. I am proud of my lineage, I do not wish to convert and neither do I want him to. I always just wanted a simple religious harmony in our marriage and for our children. But after months and months of discussion, it doesnt seem like it is actually possible. He seems to be quite bent on proving Christianity to me, and hoping for me to eventually abide by his faith. My parents would be completely heart broken if I converted. I would want my children to be raised to understand and respect both faiths and choose one, if they want to, at 18 or older. But it doesnt work like that for him.
Apparently in his church, babies are baptized as 2 year olds. He himself prefers it if his children are raised with one strong faith, and even though he isnt saying it directly and strongly, I know that he wants and prefers it to be the Christian faith. He says he would be okay with me going to a temple, as long as Im not thinking of the idol to represent God, the creator etc. As long as Im thinking of the idol as just a source of happiness and inspiration, it is fine. I felt terrible that I need to have to justify going to a temple, when it is something that Ive been doing as a birth right. We have only been discussing and arguing about this for months now and it has become quite tiring and unpleasant.
We have been separated for a few months now because of this but it is still extremely painful and sad and I keep wondering if it is the right decision to have made, whether we are focusing only on the wedding ceremony and not the next many years ahead. I wish I had known about monotheism earlier, that has been quite a shock. I know he will never harm me, he has always had the best advice for me and has always looked out for me and given me his all. But this seems to be one of those matters that doesnt seem to have any other options. I am quite terrified about how I must go about this. I would deeply appreciate any help. -Aishwarya
Aishwarya says: July 1, 2016 at 7:54 pm
I now understand well what the video is trying to say. I wish I had watched this video earlier in life. Maybe 3-4 years back.
Bollywood movies and just .. your imagination as a child potrays a very different picture and suddenly you see the reality and you dont know what to do. I am in that situation. He is still my friend, I cannot ever stop caring. How can we truly establish a middle ground here? I know that we have discussed this so much that he has reached a stage where he is saying “Okay, if the only way I can have you is without you converting, then fine. Let us both just be atheists”. But I know that this could go wrong for 2 reasons. One – he is saying it impulsively, and does not truly believe or agree with it, so it might come out in an ugly way later. Two – even if he is like this, his parents and extended family would eventually influence their views on our situation.
My parents are simple Hindus who do not influence or ask for too much. They would mostly just suffer in misery and pray that I am not being brainwashed (for lack for a better word). He is 24 and I am 23 and its not too late to end things peacefully and seek happiness elsewhere. We are both quite career focused. But at the same time, he has been such an important and fundamental part of my life for so long now that it has been extremely difficult to go through and I keep trying to think of a way to find a true middle ground here. -Aishwarya
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Dear admin,
I’m 24years old Christian gal from Pakistan and I love a 27years old hindu Tamil guy.we are in relationship from 4years,we knows each other so well.first of all i want to tell you we are attach through what’s app. our many things are similar and we love each other .he proposed me first for marriage then I took sometime to think about wedding.he was so desperate for me and loves me truly and we discussed everything about marriage then we were decide to meet in another country.he told his mom about my self on phone then she was surprised and said to him we will talk later when you will come home then he talked with his sister and shown my photos to her.she was happy and agree with him and when he go home for holidays his parents already choose a gal for him.his mom is not agree Even she don’t want to listen him or ask him anything about his love or choice.I already conviced my mom hardly and she is ready to meet with him and she also talked with him and now he is helpless and cannot do anything front of parents.he was said to me confidently that he can make his parents agree for us but now everything is going negative.he loves me very much but now he is going to sacrifice our love for parents.i’m very upset and broke now.please give me some suggestion.
Should I leave him?
Reply at https://www.interfaithshaadi.org/?p=11834
@ Aishwarya
Keep life simple. Do not complicate it with religion. Better end the relationship as I have seen struggles in inter-faith marriages. Even if you find a middle ground, your Hinduism will show up eventually and each of you will start drifting ways. Imagine, life after 6 years…It will definitely become worse. In this marriage, you are going to hurt so many people including your parents and get a bad name from in-laws for not abiding their wishes. Better take a break, time can heal any wound. Marry someone who could always make you feel happy about choosing him your partner. Am sure you will forget this relationship as time goes by
Dear Ano,
Can you tell us what is your experience? It will help others.
I now understand well what the video is trying to say. I wish I had watched this video earlier in life. Maybe 3-4 years back. Bollywood movies and just .. your imagination as a child potrays a very different picture and suddenly you see the reality and you dont know what to do. I am in that situation. He is still my friend, I cannot ever stop caring. How can we truly establish a middle ground here? I know that we have discussed this so much that he has reached a stage where he is saying “Okay, if the only way I can have you is without you converting, then fine. Let us both just be atheists”. But I know that this could go wrong for 2 reasons. One – he is saying it impulsively, and does not truly believe or agree with it, so it might come out in an ugly way later. Two – even if he is like this, his parents and extended family would eventually influence their views on our situation. My parents are simple Hindus who do not influence or ask for too much. They would mostly just suffer in misery and pray that I am not being brainwashed (for lack for a better word). He is 24 and I am 23 and its not too late to end things peacefully and seek happiness elsewhere. We are both quite career focused. But at the same time, he has been such an important and fundamental part of my life for so long now that it has been extremely difficult to go through and I keep trying to think of a way to find a true middle ground here.
Aishwarya,
We like your train of thoughts. You are smart and will certainly make very right decision, what ever that is.
Since you are mature and educated, we believe you could find a good middle ground. However, it will take a few years of rational talking with him.
Lets start this way. Tell him YOU LOVE JESUS (based on this article). Tell him that you will celebrate Christmas, have a big Christmas tree in home, have big Jesus photo (along with Krishna’s), will go to his church (and temple), and celebrate all holidays. To children, will make sure to read the Bible (and Geeta) and teach them both faiths. In the end, children will decide their own faith, like Barack Obama, as an adult. Basically explain him that we will accept Jesus and respect your church but no baptism. Same way, we will not label out children “Hindu” by any ritual. Is it not fair for both? Lets see what he has to say.
Another thing you could do is–instead of running away from his faith, go close to his family and church. Tell him you want to attend his church every Sunday and learn what they teach there first hands. Go there like you are a researcher or a reporter. Listen every thing they say and raise many question to clarify what they are saying. Do this for a few months. At his church, challenge all their teachings that you do not like (read Bible here). You do not have nothing to loose, but to gain. If you like church teachings, get baptized! Based on your learning, challenge your boy friend to explain every day why teachings in churches are rational. May be it will help you (or him) made a decision this or that way. Make sense?
A third thing you should do is to–EDUCATE YOURSELF. Best way to learn is to teach. Like you did to Anju, teach to others. This way, you will increase your knowledge immensely to make a right decision for you.
I am also in a similar situation. I am a nair girl in a relationship with a CSI guy. He didnt insist me to convert but he told me that his mom wants him to get married in their church. I understood that if this marriage is to happen it should be in his church. I dont know if CSI allows interfaith marriage in their church. I don’t wish to convert. I am heartbroken.
Could you please help me out?
Reply at https://www.interfaithshaadi.org/?p=11360
Anju,
As far as I know, I think you will have to convert to get married in the church. Also inquire if you need to sign pre-nupital agreements that you will raise your children as Christians.
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing as I am. I know the sinking feeling. Here are somethings that can help you along the way depending on what you want to do –
If you want to strive for a middle ground:
– Discuss every possible scenario that could up in the future, right now itself. This can be difficult yes. But it will give you a lot of clarity on what his expectations are and what his future plans are, and it is important for you to know this.
– Watch this video. It is quite insightful, ask your partner to watch it as well. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVQGbWaLMec
If you are unsure about what to do, take some time out of this. This can be ever tougher, but it helps. Take some time to focus on yourself and figuring out the answer. Give him the time too to contemplate on his decisions and possible requirements from a marriage with you. This could help lead to more clarity.
Sometimes i really feel sorry for Indian Hindu & Muslim girls, very modern looking in outlook, but complete dump and submissive from inside. Watching delusional bollywood movies from their childhood, they have developed a mentality of considering casual love shub as somekind of holy,spiritual thing which is above all. After marriage they realise that their husband not equal to their ex-bf.
mac, we agree to you but it is not only limited to only girls but to boys too. The fault is not of youths but an unfortunate stage of our transition from an old practices to the new one.
Now it is cool to talk to pluralism, tolerance and secularism on media, colleges and work place. However, all faiths, more or less, are exclusivist. There is one superior belief and that is mine; there is one good way and that is mine, there is one God and that is mine! Parents and Churches/mandirs/mosques are still in control of weddings and that youths in love don’t realize. We are not saying one side is right or wrong, but Interfaith Shaadi is out to educate both sides to minimize pain later.
If one’s God, faith, culture, church/mandir, etc is superior, then disclose it on the first date and if not acceptable to the other side, walk away before getting into this “blind” love.
Hi Aishwarya,
Thank you for reaching out to us. Unfortunately what now you know about Christian is truth. This is a reality of Christians that Bollywood has kept it hidden all these years. Now you are a victim, just like about 1200 other victims on this web site.
Lets talks extensively why and how. To start with, view this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlAuY85RlcE Let us know what new you learned.
Read this article on idol:
https://www.interfaithshaadi.org/?p=1476 With this you should tell him to dump his idols, the wood cross, mother mary, santa and Jesus (as a hero!).
What nonsense! What reality has Bollywood shown ever? Specially that of Christians? Pretty stereotypical: Drunk father, devout mother & the Christian girl falling in love with a guy of other faith.
@ Aishwarya,
As a member of the Orthodox church my advice to you would be to end this relationship. It will hurt but the hurt will be a personal one and only for a short duration, time will heal it. Its not the guy’s fault. The structure of the church is such. At the end of the day we still need our family & society to survive. Please know this, even if you go ahead and get married if you need assistance, you will be on your own. A small example I can give is the recent case of Priyanka Chopra’s grandmother. She was an orthodox christian but married a hindu and converted. No issues there. However her last wish was to be buried in the same church burial place. The church objected. Rightfully if I may add. Spare the agony for both yourself and the guy. Believe me I’ve been in this situation (albeit I wanted to get hitched to a Muslim).
Reply at https://www.interfaithshaadi.org/?p=11375