Kalpana says: July 3, 2017 at 1:52 am
I am a Hindu-Gujarati (Swaminarayan) in love with a Hindu-Punjabi man. We are beginning our careers. We are deeply in love and committed to one another. His parents have no objection, they are much more liberal than mine. However, I have told my parents about him and my father states there’s no way he will sanction the relationship. He has said I must marry in our own cast or else I shall be disowned.
I have told my parents I will end the relationship, however I will still be trying to convince them of our love for one another. I chose to take this route, because i feel as though my parents were blinded with anger at my lying to them for a year and a half, and this was the only way they would listen to me.
Our cultural differences should be celebrated and integrated. However, my strongly religious and conservative family completely disagree. I am having real trouble trying to accept their views, as we are both Hindu, and my boyfriend has become vegetarian and stated he wants to learn the teachings of Swaminarayan and integrate them into our lives and our future childrens lives. The basic fundamentals of Hinduism are the same for us both, so it’s not technically conversion.
My older siblings do not support me and they have married within my fathers requirements, I do not have their support. But they each suffer from their own difficulties. Being in a sanctioned relationship does not necessarily bring happiness. My boyfriend loves me without bounds, is ambitious, has financial stability, wants similar things out of life as i do, is very charitable and supportive. He has a kind, pure personality and makes me laugh to no end. We have an incredible connection which cannot be easily found in just anyone. I cannot think about marrying another man, nor he another woman, that would end in 4 lives being unfulfilled or at least 2 filled with regret.
I feel like my parents are being extremely close minded in such a modern world in the West. They do not wish to know about him or meet him or his family. I can’t forsake my family, but I can see a very happy future with my boyfriend. I don’t know what to do. –Kalpana
Admin says:
Hi Kalpana,
We absolutely agree to “Our cultural differences should be celebrated and integrated.” However it will take some time for parents to come around.
You have described your boy friend in details so we do not have much concern there. Sometimes Gujaratis have impression that Panjabi are meat eater and drinkers. If yes, that will be hard for your parents to accept.
Parents-child relationship may get worst when a child become an adult. Parents may want their children to dance at their tunes, but sometimes it does not work for the child. It is a matter of expectations verses reality of life. If you fake-told your parents first time that I am in relationship with Muhammad or with another girl (like Meera & Margaret) , they would have boiled over but then you change that now I have a new boy friend who is Hindu, that would be a big relief for them. Sometimes it is good to present the worst to lower expectations.
What would happen if you tell them honestly that I am still in love that Panjabi and will marry only that guy? Let them shout at you. Listen to them patiently and respectfully. Remain firm in your position. Stay very close to them. Play cool because it is a game you are playing. It is possible a year down the road, they will come to terms. Let us know what you think of this idea.
Since you are in the West, it is not a bad idea to take a few more years to get married. This way, you are giving sufficient time for parents to soften (they will!) and also make more mature decision to marry that guy. Since you are not in rush to marry immediately, we will give you more tips later. Hang on with us.
We just release our book and this is what we said about parents in the book:
Messages to all parents
➢ Parents must realize that their children are not their property.
➢ Parents don’t own children. Children just came to this world through parents, that’s all.
➢ Treat your children like guests.
➢ Talk to your children like you would do to your best friend or a boss at work.
➢ Do not suppress your children (like a spring), one day they will bounce back with disaster.
➢ Treat your children like a wet soap in your hand, if you hold too hard or too soft, it will slide out. You have to learn to hold them with just right pressure.
➢ Trust them, respect them, give them good practical education and hope for the best.
➢ Give them education about sex and interfaith marriage assuming they could potentially do it. Proper teaching and trust will go a long way.
Please read these articles written by InterfaithShaadi: Koran on Hindus?, Bible on Hindus?,Hindus, Abrahamics and Intolerants, Can Allah be the Father God?, A Jealous and Angry God, One God, Allah?, Idol Worshippers: Who is and Who is Not, Circumcision: Science or Superstition? , Saif and Kareena: Religion and Marriage, Religious Conversion for Marriage, Ten Points of Interfaith Dating , FAQ on Interfaith Marriage, 45% of Muslims Marry outside their faith, 38% of Hindus marry Abrahamics,Hindu-Muslim marriages, Hindu girl/boy, Muslim girl/boy, Hindu-Christian Marriage, Hindu-Jew marriages, Follow Jesus not the church.
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Dear Kalpana,
JSN! The best action you’re taking is to seek help and collect wisdom from others before taking a life’s most important decision.It is important that you request your boy friend to start attending Sunday Sabha and make friends in Swaminarayan community. Finish your education, secure a job. Demonstrate to your parent that you are ready to take a responsibility of marriage seriously and finally for your own new family. There is no short cut in life. Good luck and JSN.
Renu
Thanks to all for such invaluable insight.
Since there are many factors in play at the moment, I’m deciding to take advice to be patient. I will be moving out of my parents home to start my new job quite soon and don’t want to put more than just physical distance between us.
I agree that they should know that he is the only man I will marry. I’m waiting patiently for the right time to tell them so. At the moment I am finding it difficult to be open and honest with my family because of how hurt I feel about their threats to disown me and the very tactics they used to scare me. Many hurtful things were said and I need some time to heal and gain my strength in myself back.
Thank you all. I will update when I have spoken to my family again.
Kalpana,
The key here is “to be patient” and honest. Make fully informed decision, what ever that is.
You are young and now experiencing real life. Know that your parents are not bad and certainly you are not. Only problem is expectations. If you kept telling your parents clearly starting age 11 that you will never marry to XYZ and already dated friends from other faiths, today your parents would have already lowered their expectations. Instead, you gave them the impression that you are their “nice” daughter, so that is why they feel shocked.
You strategy should be 1) slowly and slowly keep giving them hints that you are still in the relationship, 2) move out home, 3) give parents 2-3 years to come to reality.
On “tactics they used to scare me”, all parents do this. It is a turf war. One day you will also use against your own daughter when she start dating a Saudi or Africaner. This is a normal course of life. This does not prove that your parents does not love you or they are bad. Please love them and respect them.
When parents go mad at you and start shouting, just smile; but don’t walk away. Hang on with them and let them boil over. Let them remove all evils in their heart, but you stay composed. Keep in your mind that you are just playing a game against them. Ultimately, they will buy in.
Another act you should do it to believe your parents. Tell them that you have scaled down (not given up) your relationship with that Hindu (don’t use the word Panjabi). Now tell them–you show me appropriate boys of your choice. Go for dates with those boys. If you do come across someone even 80% good as you current boy, go for him. This will make your life lots easy in long run. If not, tell parents sorry, I tried and will go for that original Hindu boy.
Please do write back to all who took time to write you. We all love you (and to your parents too!).
Dear Kalpana
I think You have been guided very well so far.
My opinion: After digesting all the information, it looks like the boy is from a culturally liberal family and willing to go at lengths to make the relationship work.
You should stay firm in your commitment.
Since it is a budding relationship, it might be worth waiting patiently till your parents soften up. I do agree with admin that they should know that this is the only person you will marry.
For Parents in general, I strongly believe that they have to adapt to changes in times with the understanding that everyone should respect one another’s culture, tradition and faith.
Though we worship Swaminarayan Bhagwan, one of our family member is happily married to a Hindu Punjabi boy for 13+ years. The boy is a gem, hard to find such a person in our Swaminarayan Sanstha.
Best wishes and keep up the love of your life and your family.
Jai Swaminarayan
A Well Wisher
Dear Ranjan
Whilst I understand that each family and community is different, it is certainly comforting to know that there are people within our faith who have understood the situation.
Thank you for sharing and I will surely use this example as fuel to strengthen my fight and give me hope.
Dear Kalpana,
Admin has given some excellent advice above so there isn’t much more to add to that. My only two cents to add would be to stay strong – it’s sad that your siblings are not being supportive.
You said “However, I have told my parents about him and my father states there’s no way he will sanction the relationship. He has said I must marry in our own cast or else I shall be disowned.”
I know an Indian boy dating a Pakistani girl (in the west) and the boy’s father also told him the same – that he would disown him and not go to his wedding if he married this Pakistani girl. The boy’s mother is more supportive so inshAllah it will work out for them in the end – the boy is not going to give up and says he is ready to get married without his dad’s approval.
Parents sometimes do this kind of emotional blackmail to convince you to break up with “unsuitable partners” – I think if you believe you have a special connection, you should stick to your guns and fight for your man. Hope it works out!