Manira says: June 28, 2017 at 9:43 pm
Hi Rook!
Did the couple have support from families when getting married or after marriage?
I’m in a similar situation where I like a Muslim guy but our families are quite against a marriage, his as there cannot be a Nikah given that I am not converting, and mine as there will be no external support from in-laws and extended family to keep this marriage together. I’m being told that the courtship period is a myth and any understanding and trust that I have developed with this guy will go down the drain unless we have support and acceptance on each other’so families. That his parents will always hate me and their disapproval will eventually affect our relationship.
Kindly advise. -Manira
Manira says: June 30, 2017 at 12:03 pm
Hi Admin,
Many thanks for your prompt response and for the educational links.
Yes it’s very sad that religions that are meant to guide one towards an internal journey, become the basis of external conflicts. I never expected to see such blatant racial hatred in the eyes of my father and brother when I spoke to them. Whilstbi was prepared for opposition and resentment, I was disgusted with what I saw in their eyes.
My boyfriend is supportive. He wished for me to “consider” conversion when we first discussed marriage, but he has since realised my commitment to my faith, and therefore agreed to the model of bilateral beliefs for us and also for any children that we may have. He has borne testimony to this intention by wilfully and happily partaking in the religious prayers I conducted in my new dwelling in Guru Granth Sahib’s presence. (He did not Matha-tek though as that is against his own principles. I can understand that).
He has stated to his family that I wouldnt convert and the children would follow both faiths. His parents are therefore annoyed with him, and obviously super-annoyed with me. We doubt that they will agree to a wedding or even attend it. He is however willing to go forth without them.
I on the other hand expected better from my parents and always held that I wouldn’t get married without my parents blessings. But given their standpoint, I’m forced to consider the option of getting married without their blessings if they do not change their mind over the next year. (I’m 36, and I cannot be liberal with waiting time).
At the same time, I do take their concerns on board, which resonate with my own. What if despite the right intentions and plans today, he does find it hard to function in a bilateral belief model later on? What if his parents always try to tear us apart? What if the pre-marriage compatibility, as my brother puts it, only a mere myth? What if I feel strained and exhausted trying to keep him, his parents, my parents, our extended families, all happy enough so we can be accepted and respected as a couple amongst people that matter to both of us. To exist in isolation is not going to be possible.
I am trying to seek answers by discussing with him, and by praying to God to show me the way. My family is never happy with the agreements and explanations that I provide because they think that these agreements will change as our dynamics change after marriage.
For me, marriage is not about reproduction and daily responsibilities. At 36, I would only get married for a deep level of intimacy, friendship and respect. I’m half-scared wondering if what my parents say is true and that there is no way to figure this stuff out before getting into a wedlock. Would married to my boyfriend ruin it for both of us??
Many thanks for your help. -Manira
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Hi,
I just looked at some comments and have a similar but serious situation. I am soon to turn 17 and my boyfriend is 17. we were forced to break up by our parents just a few days ago and its something we both don’t want because we are in love with eachother. me and him if we were to get back together, our families wouldn’t support and his wouldn’t either. do you guys think its worth taking the risk in marrying but losing our families?
Reply at https://interfaithshaadi.org/?p=12841
Hi Manira,
Is this not sad that people fight in name of religion?
Lets assume both sets of parents agreed to it. Is your boy friend supportive and is willing to raise children in two faiths? Will he protect you from his family (and you to protect him from your family)? Lets talk more.
Meantime, view these…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvZSqdmnxKM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiWLGEKusIg
Hi Admin,
Many thanks for your prompt response and for the educational links.
Yes it’s very sad that religions that are meant to guide one towards an internal journey, become the basis of external conflicts. I never expected to see such blatant racial hatred in the eyes of my father and brother when I spoke to them. Whilstbi was prepared for opposition and resentment, I was disgusted with what I saw in their eyes.
My boyfriend is supportive. He wished for ne to “consider” conversion when we first discussed marriage, but he has since realised my commitment to my faith, and therefore agreed to the model of bilateral beliefs for us and also for any children that we may have. He has borne testimony to this intention by wilfully and happily partaking in the religious prayers I conducted in my new dwelling in Guru Granth Sahib’s presence. ( He did not Matha-tek though as that is against his own principles. I can understand that).
He has stated to his family that Inwouldnt convert and the children would follow both faiths. His parents are therefore annoyed with him, and obviously super-annoyed with me. We doubt that they will agree to a wedding or even attend it. He is however willing to go forth without them.
I on the other hand expected better from my parents and always held that I wouldn’t get married without my parents blessings. But given their standpoint, I’m forced to consider the option of getting married without their blessings if they do not change their mind over the next year. ( I’m 36, and I cannot be liberal with waiting time).
At the same time, I do take their concerns on board, which resonate with my own. What if despite the right intentions and plans today, he does find it hard to function in a bilateral belief model later on? What if his parents always try to tear us apart? What if the pre-marriage compatibility, as my brother puts it, only a mere myth? What if I feel strained and exhausted trying to keep him, his parents, my parents, our extended families, all happy enough so we can be accepted and respected as a couple amongst people that matter to both of us. To exist in isolation is not going to be possible.
I am trying to seek answers by discussing with him, and by praying to God to show me the way. My family is never happy with the agreements and explanations that I provide because they think that these agreements will change as our dynamics change after marriage.
For me, marriage is not about reproduction and daily responsibilities. At 36, I would only get married for a deep level of intimacy, friendship and respect. I’m half-scared wondering if what my parents say is true and that there is no way to figure this stuff out before getting into a wedlock. Would married to my boyfriend ruin it for both of us??
Many thanks for your help
Dear Manira,
We feel your pain. You are being squeezed from all sides. Blame for every thing that happened and will happen is on your shoulder.
You are a mature person so “blind love” is not your issue. We are confident that ultimately you will make a right decision, what ever that is. In the end, don’t blame yourself for what ever the ultimate outcome but just learn to live with it.
We would say promise less but produce more: 1) Tell your brother and parents that you WILL marry that guy, even you are not sure about it. Still, tell them to keep discussion open and they should raise all their concerns.
2) Tell your boy friend that you are very upset that he mentioned ““consider” conversion.” Tell him clearly never to bring up this conversion business for you or children, never ever! Tell that you will die in your faith so never have even 1% hope that you will ever change your mind about it. Further, children will not have circumcision and they will have some very neutral names, definitely not Arabic names.
3) Tell your potential in-laws that don’t blame me, but to your own son. Tell them that your son promised me never to ask for conversion.
Once you present a worst case scenario to all these three parties, they will come to reality. If your bf backs out of your relationship, so be it.
Is he ever married? Have you checked government documents about his marital status?
To know him, ask him what would he do if his sister is in love with a Sikh/Hindu boy? Would he support her? This is a critical question to know who really he is. Let us know what he says.
Stay with us and lets talk more.
Manira, I hope and pray that God shows you the right way to proceed with all this. As someone who once experienced a somewhat similar situation, the only advice I can give is to make sure you and your partner are going to be happy. Nobody wants to ruin relations with their parents and to me that was never an issue because I was very very lucky to have amazing supportive parents who liked my Indian husband (Hindu background) and saw how happy he made me. My inlaws were not as supportive and this is something that created some problems between us over the years.
About children, the children are going to grow up and be exposed to many religions and you need to be ok with the fact that they may choose to be Muslim in the end, and your partner needs to be accepting of the fact that they may choose Sikhism.
I hope everything goes well! Keep us updated.
Rabia, you left out something critical here “parents who liked my Indian husband (Hindu background) and saw how happy he made me.” You would not have married to him if he did not converted, is that truth? If he did not convert, would your parents be still same very happy? What your Hindu in-laws have to be proud of you who converted their son? Your marriage was not “interfaith” but was within faith (two Muslims) marriage.
Most Muslims (9%? 90%? 99%?) will not tolerate a “Hindu” in his/her married life, is that truth? Don’t hide the truth by saying “Hindu background” but say “former Hindu.” We hope you will be truthful in your book, and not dance around the tune.
Admin, you probably have heard the saying that a marriage is not between two individuals but two families. When we got married we didn’t think too much about this statement. But now we understand what it means. Since my husbands family is a conservative staunchly Hindu family, this is still an interfaith marriage; how you define interfaith is slightly different than how we do.
You are dancing around the tune.
Is your Husband still a “Hindu” today? Was your Islamic Nikaah between a Muslim and a “Hindu”? Did he not had Shahadah? Are you saying he had Shahadah, but now he is still a “Hindu” (against Bukhari 9.84.57)? Remember you are on a public forum and people will point at it after publishing your book.
Admin,
Just correction. Post marriage, her husband either force or she radicalized easily and mention in social site as ” REVERTED ISLAM” RATHER THAN “FORMER HINDU”. Muslim will say by birth you are muslim no matter you belongs to Hindu or other religion. This is a known tactics by muslim community to spread islam.
Krish, it is not a “known tactic to convert Hindus”, it is our belief that everyone is born as a Muslim – do you even know what people mean by that?
I am going to quote from a website to explain what this belief is to you, even though I know you won’t get it.
“The Prophet Muhammad said, “No baby is born but upon Fitra (as a Muslim). It is his parents who make him a Jew or a Christian or a Polytheist.” (Sahih Muslim, Book 033, Number 6426)
Islam is the religion of all Prophets, Adam to Muhammad. Children are not born out of any sin, original, inherited or derived. They are born on the religion of their nature, i.e., Islam.”
So who you as a Hindu see as Gods, Krishna, Buddha etc etc could have easily been prophets in Islam as well, but they are not mentioned by name in the Holy Books of the Abrahamic religions. I had some Arab friends who actually spoke to me about this, this wasn’t my idea, it was theirs that Indian “gods” could have indeed been prophets.
This is the Muslim belief, but sadly many Hindus like you see anything associated with Islam/Muslims as something evil, bad, “love jihad.” etc etc… Do you agree with Adityanath that half the Muslims of UP should be “reduced in population”? Start a riot maybe? That will teach them their lesson… Or should India kick out its Muslims to Pakistan or Sri Lanka or something? Please tell me – what should you do about the big problem of Muslims in your country???
I am waiting for your answer Krish, please kindly reply if you see this.