This post was originally created on Aug 24, 2012 with a title “She (Muslim) was beaten at home”. After many twists and turns, now the couple is happily married (July 29, 2018).
Kane says: Aug 24, 2012 at 3:28 am
i am hindu boy in love with a muslim girl. Its been 9 months into our relationship n our parents came to know.
her dad called me up 2 days back when i said that we are in a relationship. he asked me to stop immediately.
when my parents confronted me i accepted that i love her and can’t live without her but she didnot accept this at her place and behaved very arrogantly.
it created lot of problems at her end as already she has a strained relation with her parents. she was also beaten at home.
for last 2 days i’ve been instructed not to talk to her by both sets of parents n end all communication.
its been very difficult for me to ignore her calls (almost 40 yesterday) but for her and my safety i’m doing so.
she spoke to my best friend and he’s managed to calm her down for now.
i’ve started working 8 months back and she’s not yet started working. we’ve both completed our graduation/post grad.
i love her a lot and she does too but i want our safety as well as not hurting the sentiments of our respective parents.
please help us. – Kane
Seema Maheshwari says: Aug 24, 2012 at 4:02 pm
To Kane and Sanjay, saying that you can’t live without each other is naive. If you are living outside India, then get married. However, if you live in India then, unless you are financially independent, you need the support of both families.
Unfortunately, we Indians have been brought up on a steady diet of Hindi films, where everyone lives happily ever after. Doesn’t work in real life guys. Take a stand or get on with your lives. -Seema.
Kane says: Aug 24, 2012 at 11:52 pm
Seema,
i agree its naive to say that.
And also that the happily ever after happens only in hindi films where nothing is ever real.
But then say we are financially independent after a couple of years time, how will things change?
i mean if she’s still at loggerheads with her parents then, the chances of support at that time will be no more than they are now.
we both are from mumbai and also live in the same building.
so, how far do you think my/my family’s/her well being can be affected if we try to push on with the relationship now?
taking a stand is required now, and that’ll mostly be to bring it to a halt.
but it will only be in optimism that something might work out in the future. -Kane.
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kane says: February 24, 2013 at 2:20 pm
Hello!
Been a long time and many developments have taken place in our relationship.
After the folks found out and asked us to stop, we told them that we would and tried our best to keep away but could not. We got back together and the relationship rekindled.
Then in December, we told our respective parents about our relationship having continued and that we want to marry each other.
As expected, both sets were against it and asked us to end, which we didn’t accept. So, our parents met and discussed the entire matter and came to the conclusion that since neither set wants this to materialize, its best we call it off. The only factor in this was us being a Hindi-Muslim couple. They had no issues with us. Both said that if either converted, one of them would readily accept us. But as I’ve stated already, neither of us wants conversion.
I met her parents (and her) and made it clear to them too that I want to marry their girl and that we’d first further our careers and then only marry. That would be in a further 1.5 to 2 years. They didn’t accept and asked us to call it off.
Next day being my birthday, i met her and we decided that for the folks’ sake, we tell them that its off and lie low. Don’t meet often, keep a low profile and continue and tell them at the right time that we tried our best but just could not be away from each other. So we did that.
What’s happened now is that, the parents are in touch with each other. They keep a tab on what time she returns home n what time I do. Anytime we’re with cellphones in hand, we get stern looks at both our places. The parents mostly know that we are meeting still and are in touch, so are trying their best to confirm it.
Its bothering us a lot. These constant looks that we get, everytime we go out, we’re asked questions. If the folks aren’t at home then they call n ask what time we left homes respectively and where we are!
Please help us out. Its getting pestering this entire thing. Plus to top it off, I’m currently not having a fulltime job having left the earlier one, so wo bhi ek jhol I have to manage. -Kane
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kane says: April 29, 2013 at 11:48 am
hi!
We applied for marriage under the special marriage act in early April as we saw no other alternative. We chose a date in the first wk of May and thot we’d stay at our respective places for a month or two and then move out..
My parents sumhow came to know of the application and withdrew their opposition stating that theyll approve of our marriage only if we marry after v r settled down with proper jobs. My mom who was vocally against even the relationship said she’ll accept her as her daughter in law fully without conversion! Even my extended family has supported our marriage after v get set. Till then they asked us to continue as v have been in a relationship. Her parents though are neither for nor against. They’ve left it to us and my parents almost but are trying their best to not let the marriage happen now.
My new job starts in June and same is the case with the girl.
I am open to waiting and giving time for us to settle as it also means that v give time to our relationship and get set and married in the future whilst having my parents’ support.
She tho is pressing for it to be done in May only citing she’ll b thrown out/she cant stay with her parents/issues at home.. its putting me in a major fix here as she wants to marry only in May and i’d love to have the parents’ support n b settled before marrying.
need your guidance on this… thanks, -Kane.
Kane says: July 29, 2018 at 10:17 pm
We got married in 2017, after a long struggle but with our parents complete support & blessings and everything is falling in place; personally and professionally. (no conversion ofcourse)
I would’ve loved to update at that time but we were settling in our marriage and I didn’t want to rush into blog posts.
We live with my parents under one roof and everything is so hunky dory that it makes me wonder how and why the furor over our relationship took place at all. Her dad isn’t too pally with us but not an enemy either.
We’re just pleased that its all calmed and settled down.
My advice to all others would be to remain patient, don’t get reckless and have faith in each other. -Kane
Also read: Islamic Women Today, Hindu-Muslim marriages, Hindu girl, Muslim girl, Hindu boy, Muslim boy,
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We got married in 2017, after a long struggle but with our parents complete support & blessings and everything is falling in place; personally and professionally. (no conversion ofcourse)
I would’ve loved to update at that time but we were settling in our marriage and I didn’t want to rush into blog posts.
We live with my parents under one roof and everything is so hunky dory that it makes me wonder how and why the furor over our relationship took place at all. Her dad isn’t too pally with us but not an enemy either.
We’re just pleased that its all calmed and settled down.
My advice to all others would be to remain patient, don’t get reckless and have faith in each other.
I’d also love if the post title was changed by the mods so as to reflect on the positive outcome 😀
her parents hav said that only if the marriage in may goes ahead as planned, will she be put out of the house..and my parents r willing to support wholly our marriage later on..
support from both parents would be the best thing but her family members(direct and extended) are asking her to get me converted (which neither of us will do) before marriage.
the superficially thing was when u mentioned that a few months here n there wont make an issue in the long term, which i know is true as in the bigger picture family support will be a huge asset.
BBS isn’t even an option.
also, off late i’ve been getting very aggressive and its getting increasingly difficult to keep it under control. for this too i asked for time, as I dont want it creeping into our marriage (especially if v do marry now) and nobody to support us or help us out.
Kane,
You are certainly in a difficult position. You wish to do that is right for all, but you may not be able to please all. Sometimes you may have to make tough decision (that you have to decide what is good for you in a long run). Parents may be upset on a short run, but they will come around in a year or two. You both are getting paid jobs soon, so you will be covered financially; this should make easy for your to take decision that is right for you.
What she feels about “her family members(direct and extended) are asking her to get me converted”? If that is also her wishes, don’t force her (but leave her).
We understand if you “getting very aggressive and its getting increasingly difficult to keep it under control” but you have to tell yourself that “Kane, this is your weakness. The aggression and anger will ruin Kane and all”. Put all your anger on a piece of paper (write down) and it will help you control yourself. Best wishes.
hi!
we applied for marriage under the special marriage act in early april as we saw no other alternative. we chose a date in the first wk of may and thot we’d stay at our respective places for a month or two and then move out..
my parents sumhow came to know of the application and withdrew their opposition stating that theyll approve of our marriage only if we marry after v r settled down with proper jobs. my mom who was vocally against even the relationship said she’ll accept her as her daughter in law fully without conversion! even my extended family has supported our marriage after v get set. till then they asked us to continue as v hav been in a relationship. her parents tho are neither for nor against. they’ve left it to us and my parents almost but are trying their best to not let the marriage happen now.
my new job starts in june and same is the case with the girl.
i am open to waiting and giving time for us to settle as it also means that v giv time to our relationship and get set and married in the future whilst having my parents’ support.
she tho is pressing for it to be done in may only citing she’ll b thrown out/she cant stay with her parents/issues at home.. its putting me in a major fix here as she wants to marry only in may and i’d love to hav the parents’ support n b settled before marrying.
need your guidance on this…
thanks,
Kane.
Kane,
You are getting there. A few months here or there will not be an issue in overall a big picture. Make sure you have clarified to the Muslim girl that the child will not have a circumcision and not raised in one of two faiths (no BBS). Best wishes.
it wont be an issue, atleast superficially it seems the case.
but she is stuck on the may date and isnt ready to budge. we applied when v had no choice or support. now that we have both, i feel it would be wise to wait and be set before plunging into marriage. what would you friends suggest?
also children issue has been cleared up already so it shudnt be a problem now.
It is a good idea to get support from both sets of parents, if it is possible. On the other hands, if she will be thrown out of her house because of your relationship (meaning her parents don’t agree at all) then you will have to help her out by marrying sooner. You will have to evaluate the situation and decide what is right.
Why you said, “atleast superficially it seems the case” for the BBS? This point has to be crystal clear, including with her parents. Put it in writing and get the document signed (as a clear understanding). If not clear, it will come haunting you big time after marriage.
Hello!
Been a long time and many developments have taken place in our relationship.
After the folks found out and asked us to stop, we told them that we would and tried our best to keep away but could not. We got back together and the relationship rekindled.
Then in December, we told our respective parents about our relationship having continued and that we want to marry each other.
As expected, both sets were against it and asked us to end, which we didn’t accept. So, our parents met and discussed the entire matter and came to the conclusion that since neither set wants this to materialize, its best we call it off. The only factor in this was us being a Hindi-Muslim couple. They had no issues with us. Both said that if either converted, one of them would readily accept us. But as I’ve stated already, neither of us wants conversion.
I met her parents (and her) and made it clear to them too that I want to marry their girl and that we’d first further our careers and then only marry. That would be in a further 1.5 to 2 years. They didn’t accept and asked us to call it off.
Next day being my birthday, i met her and we decided that for the folks’ sake, we tell them that its off and lie low. Don’t meet often, keep a low profile and continue and tell them at the right time that we tried our best but just could not be away from each other. So we did that.
What’s happened now is that, the parents are in touch with each other. They keep a tab on what time she returns home n what time I do. Anytime we’re with cellphones in hand, we get stern looks at both our places. The parents mostly know that we are meeting still and are in touch, so are trying their best to confirm it.
Its bothering us a lot. These constant looks that we get, everytime we go out, we’re asked questions. If the folks aren’t at home then they call n ask what time we left homes respectively and where we are!
Pleas help us out. Its getting pestering this entire thing. Plus to top it off, I’m currently not having a fulltime job having left the earlier one, so wo bhi ek jhol I have to manage.
Kane,
Life in your situation is hard, especially when you are dependent on parents and are a part of joint family. Like Seema said it before, only option is to get a job in a different city and find a place to live. Once there, no one could stop you from doing what you wish. Parents will ultimately get over this Hindu-Muslim thing.
You may be in your early 20s, so wait for another year. Focus and work hard to line a good job, that is your only way out of this situation.
We command your intention to marry each other the way you are, without conversion. Keep us posted, best wishes.
It is little amusing to read, but who says Hindu-Muslim cannot work hand-in-hand? See your parents are “in touch with each other. They keep a tab on what time she returns home n what time I do.” See they are not enemies, and they talk to each other more than their other friends! If all Hindu-Muslim work with such unity for a common goal, India would be world’s best country by now!!
Kane, once you two are financially independent you can move away from the parents. Distance may give you two some peace of mind and hopefully the parents will come around in a few years.
In the meantime she will have to refuse to marry anyone else. Believe me, it is much tougher for a girl to refuse her parents choice.
When one of my aunts married a Hindu 60 years ago, no one talked to her for a decade. But, eventually they came around.
Thanks for the tips Seema.
What i’m thinking of doing is to let this all cool off for some time..a few months even. Especially to let the parents calm down to an extent. That would give me valuable time to think and plan ahead.
Last time her dad spoke to me he was harping upon the point that this isn’t the time n age for us to think about marriage n instead we should focus on our careers.
We’re both 23 and on the cusp of our careers and i guess it wouldn’t be unwise to give some time to that. Also it would give her time to better her relations with her parents, which will help us in the long run.
I agree it will be difficult for her to refuse proposals put forth by her parents and especially after this situation but I’m the eternal optimist and I see a light at the end of this tunnel.
Do let me know though incase i’m going wrong somewhere.
Hi Kane,
Seema has given you excellent advise. Rome was not built in a day! Have patience. Giving a few months to cool down this situation is a great idea. If her love is true, she will some how manage to wait for you for a year or two. Meantime, learn of all issues marrying to a Muslims stated on this web site. Also, line up a good job in a different city and work hard to be financially independent. When you both think the time is right, make a move. Best wishes.
Thanks for those motivating words Admin and especially Seema 🙂
You’ve given me an air of confidence that had gone missing for a week! 😀
The best part of our relationship is that neither wants the other to convert. I’m not too much of a believer in God so it doesn’t matter to me what religion my future wife belongs to.
As for her, she’s already accompanied me to a temple once, proves she’s very tolerant(it was her b’day that day!)
The main task for us as both of you have pointed out is to attain financial stability and hopefully convince the parents.
Will keep u posted as to how it all develops.
Cheers!
-Kane
It is great that she is open-minded.
Like Seema did, marry her without religious conversion. Further, make sure children are raised secular (no BBS). You have to make it sure with her parents too; without it, you are building a palace in thin air.
so how do you think we should approach this guys?
currently my best friend is the only point of contact between us and he’s in another state!