Section 9.1: I Am Jain and Love a Black American

Section 9.1: I Am Jain and Love a Black American

Jigisha says:

I am a Jain Girl. I’m so confused how to tell my parents about my situation? Should I tell them or not? Should I go ahead or not?   I’m working in the Middle East and my parents are staying back home in India. They are seeking proposals for me. I am in love with a Black American, who is my colleague. We share good chemistry. I like him. He believes in vegetarian food habit and eats 90% vegetarian food. He has expressed his feeling many times. He respects my religion and my family values.

He is a very decent guy. He has told me many times that he will take care of me like anything. He asks me to talk to my parents also but I haven’t shown seriousness. I’m afraid how would they behave with him? As far as I know, my parents are so strict. I have only one thing in my mind that I want to marry him. Can someone help me? Please. —Jigisha

Admin says:

Dear Jigisha,

This is certainly a difficult decision. Married life itself is complex, on top of that you add inter-faith issues, inter-cultural issues and interracial issues, and all of a sudden you have so much more to chew and digest.

You said, “I have only one thing in my mind that I want to marry him,” but in the West, about half of marriages ultimately end in divorce. In many cases, the divorce costs more than the marriage. We believe most marriages fail because it seems one’s spouse has changed after marriage. No one in fact has changed, but there was a failure to realize who he or she truly was while dating. Take the time to know him without emotions or love.

You are probably in your mid 20’s and probably want to settle down. As might be expected, your parents want to preserve their heritage and culture and wish you to settle for an arranged marriage with someone Jain. It is important for you to help them realize that you are now a different person from the little girl you were at age 6. You are not going to settle for someone just because your parents are telling you to, unless the boy recommended by them is fully competent and you feel a connection with him. You are not doing anything wrong so please do not carry any feelings of guilt. This world is changing and parents have to come to terms with this new reality of life.

Considering you have the power to make a decision that is right for you, this freedom comes with a heavy price to pay. You need to make sure your decision is the right one, otherwise you will likely lose the support of your parents and there will not be any shoulder to cry on!

You cannot make a rational decision when you are holding hands with your lover and when high levels of sex hormones are streaming through your blood. Somehow you will have to find a way to see through this “blinding” love.

You are in the the Middle East and thus you do not have your familial support system nearby to guide you. Don’t worry; we are here to assist.

How well do you know him? We are not talking about his “face-value,” but his culture, family and his childhood? Are his parents divorced? Have you met his parents at the place where they live? Can you live his life, AS IS, if you have to? Was his father respecting his mother? Was his father an alcoholic? Remember, what goes around, comes around!

If he is from America, it is unlikely that you are his first girlfriend. Find out how many girls he has slept with and decide whether you are comfortable with such a situation. Do not have any physical relationship if you are searching for the truth.

A major problem with East-West relationships is that the Westerners have plenty of experience dating while in many cases, for the Eastern girl, it is the first guy who has ever touched her. How much prior dating experience do you have? If you are a naive dater, be careful. In Cricket terms, it is comparable to the first time ever bowler versus a century batsman! You are prone to make mistakes. We feel Eastern parents should let their children, who are living and working outside their native country, have dating experiences, considering many of them end up marrying outside their faith anyways.

What is wrong in checking out what kinds of Jain (or Hindu) men your parents have to offer? Without bias, go and check them out. Generally, in Jain communities, women are treated with dignity and respect. If you did come across a reasonably good Jain man (including in the Middle East), why settle for so much uncertainly with your American boyfriend?

If he is a Christian, ask if you have to be baptized for their church wedding. Most importantly, check to see if your children have to be baptized and raised as Christians. If he is a Muslim, he will ask you for religious conversion before an Islamic nikaah.

Are you comfortable being part of a black community? Are you going to be proud raising mixed race children? Are you ready to defend your decision to your parents and friends and win their hearts?

We should also tell you not to get stuck on these black-brown-white differences. It is only a temporary thing. Once you are part of it, the difference will fade. President Barack Obama was a black President to start with, but now people see him only as President Obama. Now his performance is judged not by his color but his deeds.

You will have to learn to live with color discrimination when you are in your Jain community. Instead of fighting to remove people’s prejudice, just learn to smile with your relatives if they make insulting comments about your boyfriend/husband. Eventually others will get used to him and start seeing his inner beauty.

Sometimes, being with an African American could be an advantage to you. He may truly accept you with love and respect. He has seen discrimination all his life and thus may treat you with double respect for who you are.

Jigisha, there are so many factors at play here that there is no easy guidance one can give you. Now all the responsibility lies on your shoulders (and without any prior experience). Please keep us posted. Best wishes. —Admin