Section 3.8: I Am a Christian Getting Married to a Hindu

Equality in an interfaith marriage is difficult to define. Here, Cathy is trying to find a good balance between two conflicting religious practices and ready for dual religious labeling (namasanskara and baptism) for their children. The author challegnes her on some of her statements to better prepare her for planned happy Christian-Hindu married life.

Cathy says:

I am a Christian (Lutheran) getting married to a Hindu fiancé. We will celebrate a Hindu shaadi in India and receive blessings from a Christian priest in my home country (in the West), and we are happy to accommodate both traditions without expecting the conversion of the other. We both fell in love with the other as the whole person, created by their cultural and religious upbringing as well.

However, I wish to comment on what you (Admin) said about Christians and baptism. I find it an intolerant statement that we both (myself included) could not celebrate the rituals involved in naming a child. I want to baptize our children, not for religious reasons but for the reason that not accepting the rituals of my heritage implies not accepting my identity and equal parenthood. For the same reason I heartfully wish to celebrate namakarana sanskara so as to not leave out the other parents’ background and raise children who are comfortable with a unique blend of backgrounds and a duality of religion. The same goes for the yearly celebrations of Diwali, Saraswati puja as well as the first haircut of a child, etc.

But to me, it seems you have defined religious tolerance as refusing or belittling the other partner’s tradition when it involves Christian rites. Would you not agree that it would be entirely unjust to demand the other parent to let go of their Hindu, Muslim, Sikh or Buddhist rites—that, effectively, also produce religious identity? Do you not see the discrepancy? What is your reason for thinking that it is the unilateral right of the other spouse to deny the performance of rite XYZ on their children, because whether you see it or not, this is what you are suggesting?

More importantly, in an interfaith marriage, I find the best advice to be “always ‘in addition to’, never ‘instead of’.” Rejection is the one surefire way to generate cleavages, inequality and resentment in a relationship. I wholly agree with Nancy who says we can all be just as defensive, and this comes out when both partner’s backgrounds are not allowed to be expressed to the fullest. For this reason I do not feel that your advice is equally based or even productive.

I hope we can have an enlightening discussion on the topic. It should be noted that we might have very different conceptions of the definition of “baptism” as a rite. I do not consider it a rite that is exclusive and binding children to a single religion only. On the other hand, I do not consider Hindu rites neutral. We should appreciate both to their fullest.

I should also note that we have been living together, have had numerous discussions about our beliefs ending on “agree to disagree” and have a puja altar in the house. I take full part in festivals and he visits church with me, on the rare occasion that I do so.

As a parent I consider it my duty to ensure the children feel at home in both of their parents’ traditions. To not teach them about Hinduism as well as Christianity would be to hurt their future growth to balanced adults. However, I am not going to teach them that “there are multiple forms of THE GOD, be that Allah, Jesus or Krishna” —to require a person to teach this would be equivalent to requiring them teach the Hindu concept of Vishnu, Shiva and Brahma, and I am not or ever will be Hindu, neither will my husband be Christian. Instead, we both are going to teach them what Mom believes and what Dad believes, and that people with different beliefs can get along, both within a family and in a society.

I feel like it is necessary to state all this, because it seems to me that you have profound mistrust towards “Abrahamic” spouses and have grouped them under a label of suspicion—as if there is always a fundamentalist in them waiting to come out that requires monitoring. This is not to deny that many spouses become increasingly conservative after having children, regardless of their faith.

I also deeply respect your quest for religious tolerance. Still, I ask you to look at how, just maybe, your way of defining a tolerant spouse has affinities to Hinduism and is therefore not the ideal place to begin a dialogue in an interfaith marriage. —Cathy

Admin says: 

Dear Cathy, 

It is great that you are willing to respect two religions and traditions and looking for EQUALITY for both faiths. With such a beautiful thought, you will have a happy and ever lasting interfaith marriage.

Let’s evaluate some of your statements for reality checks.

You mentioned that “I want to baptize our children” and “I heartfully wish to celebrate namakarana sanskara… ” This is a beautiful polytheist pluralistic thought. However, such religious labeling has no place in an interfaith marriage with equality for the following reasons:

RELIGIOUS LABELING: Baptism is the act to cleanse former (Hindu?) sins and practices, and later live with Jesus Christ forever. It is not fair to give such an irreversible religious label on an interfaith child. If namakarana sanskara is also considered a religious label, keep both out. Let the child decide his or her own religion at his or her 21 years of age, fair?

NO DUAL LABELING: All Christians and Jews know that a child cannot have baptism (to announce the child Christian) as well as bris (to announce the child Jew) circumcision ceremonies. Watch videos here. The same is true for baptism and sunat (to announce a child Muslim). Further, even within Christian faiths, a Mormon may not tolerate a Catholic, Greek-orthodox or Lutheran baptism for the marriage! To ask any non-Mormon, i.e. a Sikh or Jehovah’s Witness, a Mormon-baptism is not fair. We believe, it is better to keep the religious labeling out of the interfaith marriages with equality.

You want baptism just as a rite, because you believe it is not exclusive and binding. However, your religious leaders will correct you on that—baptism is not a hollow ritual devoid of meaning. It is not the ritual but the thought process behind asking for baptism and the rigid dogmas to follow is a concern.

Now let’s look at a deeper question… who is THE God? Is Jesus the only savior? Or, in addition can Allah, LORD God of Israel, Buddha and Krishna could also lead to salvation? Why you disagreed to have a puja altar in the house, but you are willing to do the Saraswati puja? Is Saraswati puja not idol worship as described in the Bible? If you don’t believe in the Second Commandment and Christian exclusivity, then we do not see any issue marrying a Hindu or for children’s baptism.

If you are not an exclusivist Christian, why are you saying, “I am not going to teach them (my kids) that “there are multiple forms of THE GOD…”? If so, then who are Krishna, Goddess Laxmi and Allah… fake or other gods?

Cathy, for your knowledge, Hindus are not idol worshippers and are 100% monotheists believing in only one Supreme Reality; however liberty is provided to Hindus to express THE God in multiple forms. Actually, Catholics do exactly the same—The Father, Son and Holy Spirit, the wood-cross, baby Jesus, black Jesus, white Jesus, idols of Mary, St. Paul, St. John, the Pope… on and on. Likewise, Muslims pray to the (direction of) black-cube, Kaaba, hang some Arabic writings on wall in their homes and consider it holy and glorify their religious leaders, like Mohammad and Ayatollah. So, what is wrong in having liberty to express THE God (or godly things and people) however way one pleases?

You said, “I am not or ever will be Hindu, neither will my husband be Christian.” That’s the way it should be. You are more tolerant than some other Abrahamics. However, how about your kids? Are they going to be Hindus, Christians, both or atheists? Are they going to be: 1) multi Gods idol worshipper polytheist Hindus on Saturdays and 2) monotheist and exclusivist Christians on Sundays? Are you going to be okay when your baptized daughter will sit down every day with her dad to do Saraswati and Ganesh puja in the altar in your own home? Let’s hope it will never bother you and your parents. Consider putting Jesus’ and Mary’s symbols into your (future) husband’s altar and whole family join for praying. In your own words, this is called “always ‘in addition to’, never ‘instead of’.” Pluralism is the only way for any interfaith couple seeking equality.

Cathy, sit down with your fiancé and clarify these as true or false points below to find out how much you truly love each other over certain religious dogmas:

Q: Is “salvation” possible only through Jesus Christ?

Q: Are your fiancé and billions of other Hindus not going to be “saved” on the Judgment Day (unless they get baptized)?

Q: Are Lord Buddha and Goddess Saraswati not incarnations of the same “Lord your God” described in the Bible?

Q: Cathy, do you have any reservations about going to a Hindu temple, bowing to Hindu Gods and taking offering (prasad) from Gods? During a Hindu wedding ceremony the Hindu priest will invoke many Gods from heaven and earth. Are you going to be okay being part of such a wedding? 

Q: Do you have to get married in a church? Did you check with your Christian priest to see if it will be okay to have a polytheist Hindu wedding and not a (or in addition to a) monotheist Christian wedding?

Q: Does the child just born carry sin? Is your intended husband carrying sin?

Q: Do your children have to have christening/baptism to announce the child as a Christian and to wipe away their sin? 

Q: Name is everything. Are the children going to have Dharmic or Abrahamic names?

Q: A membership in a church could cost from 3-12% of your gross family income. Are you planning to be a member of a church, especially after children? Are you planning to spend the same amounts supporting Hindu religious institutions?

Q: In case of a child’s death in your family; will he/she get a Christian burial or the Hindu cremation final rites?

Note that on most of above points, you cannot have both ways.

Most new adults fail to recognize what you have stated, “many spouses become increasingly conservative after having children, regardless of their faith.” During dating, talks of “tolerance” and “open mindedness” are not constant or immutable characteristics and could change over time. For this reason, it is important to dig deeper to learn the “true color” of the fiancé by asking certain critical questions. Any decision made after the above reality checks will be a good decision.

Cathy, do not be afraid of these religious complexities created 1000’s of years ago. It is best is to let your love rule, not Hindu and Christian religious dogmas. Trust each other fully. Teach children to respect both (all) God(s) and scriptures and when they are 21 let them make their own religious choices. Is this not fair? —Admin