AYISHA Says: January 2, 2020
I’m a Muslim and my bf is a CSI. We have been in a relationship for almost 9 years and wish to marry each other. I am not willing to convert my religion neither he asked me to do so. But I’m fine with our kids getting baptized. Is there any way to convince our parents and the church (no nikkah as it is impossible) to allow us to marry? -Ayisha
Admin says:
Hi Ayisha,
You have invested many years of your life into this relationship. We are sure you trusted this guy and fall in love because he cares for you. We are glad he has not asked you to convert to Christianity nor you are willing to convert anyways. This practice of asking the intended spouse to convert for marriage is nonsense. We hope you clearly discussed these points up front; if not, we will help you how to deal with him.
Most issues in interfaith marriages are due to religious institutions, pandits, rabbis, imams and priests. As much as you can keep them out of your married life, you will have good chance of a happy married life. It is possible parents also get influenced by them and will pressure you two. It is good to discuss issues with parents but some times you, as adults, have to take a stand against parents (but lovingly) and do that is right for both of you.
Why you discounted Nikaah? We understand a Muslim girl cannot marry to non-Muslim. However, in today’s day and age, can’t you find one imam who will perform Nikaah of you two? If you can’t have nikaah, are Imams happy to let you go out of Islam but not perform the wedding? Have you talk to any progressive imam (if “progressive” and “Imam” exist!). Try!
Are you going to have a wedding in Church? What if you say NO–you don’t want to marry in the church because they will ask for your conversion to Christianity. Instead find a Christian priest who would perform the wedding outside the church. This is in your best interest, so ask your boy friend about this idea of marrying outside church.
Why not marry by the civil wedding only. Apparently you are not very religious; so why not keep the same way for your married life too? This way, both of you remain who ever you are and still get married. This is called liberty and justice for all (faiths). Go to a park and get married with an (progressive) imam and a priest. Have you considered it?
Why you said, “I’m fine with our kids getting baptized”? Are you being submissive? Are you saying children will not have any exposure to Islam? One day, your children will be sitting on a church benches and learning from the Bible that Jesus is a “Son” of Allah. As per Koran, that is a monstrous falsehood. Further, you will have to carry your children for their christening and teach them about the Bible so they pass all tests for being a baptised Christian. As a mother, are you going to help your children or are you going to tell–this is your father’s faith and not mine, go ask him? If you are not sure about baptising your children or not sure about all Biblical teachings, why not keep options open for children’s faith as an adult (like President Barack Obama did)? Teach them about both faiths as children and let them make their own decision for which one is best for them as adults. Explain what is benefit of labelling a child with a “religion”?
Please get back and we will discuss more soon. Best wishes. -Admin
AYISHA says: January 3, 2020
Hi again,
Thank you for replying soon!
It’s the people from the Mahal committee that conducts Nikkah and as I’m marrying a Non-muslim, they are not going to conduct my Nikkah and that’s why I discounted it. But as you told to try search for a progressive Imam, I’ll do that and discuss that with my guy too if he and his family are okay with doing Nikkah too (and also with my family whether they are okay this way because I don’t want to create problems for them).
To convince his parents, I would have to get married in his church. As I have to convince the church people to let us marry without me being converted to Christianity, I assumed they will be convinced if I assure them that our kids will be raised as Christians.
I believe the mosque people doesn’t raise any problems against my family (like the Jaseela case in which the Mahal committe issued fatwa to her family) as I decided to continue Islam even after marriage. I’m a person who believes and respect all other faiths.
I feel the Quran is misinterpreted by imams. Like in Quran, it says a Muslim could marry a kitabi (people from the book, ie, Christians and Jews) but it has a lot of debate that its only for men and not women. I guess it’s just because they don’t want their community to shrink just like other religions. But the quranic verse focuses this equally on both men and women, I believe.
I do visit church once or twice a month just like I visit mosque (even though I won’t be converting to Christianity as I don’t want to create problems in and for my family and I’m not willing to convert).
It’s okay if my children are baptized and are Christians because almost all the teachings in Islam and Christianity are same especially the most important, there is only one God (apart from Jesus being the son of Allah and Prophet Mohammad (PBUH)). But I will be teaching Muslim teachings too and will leave upon them if they wish to follow the same when they grow up. I’m fine as far as I’m a Muslim itself even after getting married.
Apart from getting married religiously, we will also register under the Special Marriage Act so that society doesn’t create a problem for us. –Ayisha
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Salam!
Mam you can do whatever you want but don’t say religion permits it because it won’t as no humans can be idolized even if he or she is a prophet. And without nikah you are doing fornication and your children will be illegal in this context.
The thing is what they are doing is shirk. And you are now a part of it. And in Islam no one can be idolized and since you are not doing nikah it is haram and it will be fornication plain and simple. You can do whatever you want but don’t bring religion to support your sins.
I’m from South India and yes, I do believe in all the things mentioned. I trust Allah, I never proved myself in front of imams that I’m a true Muslim because I believe that they are not the ones who know me and what I do (pray etc). Allah knows me better. My family also have the similar kind of thoughts.
I decided this from my own heart and mind that I will be getting married in a church and get my kids baptised. (if I find a progressive Imam, I would perform nikkaah too). Its not like I’ll be teaching my kids Islam teachings the whole time as I don’t wanna make them get confused. I will let them know of my religion and if they want they could know what Islam teaches. I’m just trying to convince our families as we don’t wanna take a wrong decision and hurt them at any cost. They have did a lot for us but at the same time, I cannot sacrifice my partner. All I want is to get married without getting converted and practice my religion with our family’s consent. I hope they will agree!
Is your boy friend says church wedding a must? Does he think baptising children is a must for him?
On “All I want is to get married without getting converted”, go visit the church and present your case. Find out first hand what they say about it. Let us know what they say.
Have you talked to your parents about this relationship? What they are saying you getting married without Nikaah?
It is hard to deal with parents and religious institutions, but you have to start working one step at a time. If any one try to be irrational, know that you can ignore (parents for a short term) them and move on.
Okay, I’ll let you know once I talk these things.
Thank you so much for the advices and guidance. Really do appreciate it.
Would I still be able to get married to him without converting to Christianity and with our family’s consent?
Ayisha,
We feel your pain. You are an innocent youths honestly fallen in love with a fellow human being. In our eyes, you have not committed any crime. You have rights to live and do what you want. Unfortunately, others will give you hell. For that, you have to raise your head and face them for your pride.
On “be able to get married to him without converting to Christianity”, sure, luckily you do not live in an Islamic country (we assume). Like you mentioned, what is wrong with The Special Marriage Act 1954? Is your boy friend ready for it?
On “and with our family’s consent?”, we cannot be sure of your specific situation but in most cases, parents are upset on a short term but they come around when they see that you are happy with the person. Pleasing parents on a short run should not be an objective as far you know clearly that you will be happy in this marriage on a long run.
Hi again,
Thank you for replying soon!
It’s the people from the Mahal committee that conducts Nikkah and as I’m marrying a Non-muslim, they are not going to conduct my Nikkah and that’s why I discounted it. But as you told to try search for a progressive Imam, I’ll do that and discuss that with my guy too if he and his family are okay with doing Nikkah too (and also with my family whether they are okay this way because I don’t want to create problems for them).
To convince his parents, I would have to get married in his church. As I have to convince the church people to let us marry without me being converted to Christianity, I assumed they will be convinced if I assure them that our kids will be raised as Christians.
I believe the mosque people doesn’t raise any problems against my family (like the Jaseela case in which the Mahal committe issued fatwa to her family) as I decided to continue Islam even after marriage. I’m a person who believes and respect all other faiths.
I feel the Quran is misinterpreted by imams. Like in Quran, it says a Muslim could marry a kitabi (people from the book, ie, Christians and Jews) but it has a lot of debate that its only for men and not women. I guess it’s just because they don’t want their community to shrink just like other religions. But the quranic verse focuses this equally on both men and women, I believe.
I do visit church once or twice a month just like I visit mosque (even though I won’t be converting to Christianity as I don’t want to create problems in and for my family and I’m not willing to convert).
It’s okay if my children are baptized and are Christians because almost all the teachings in Islam and Christianity are same especially the most important, there is only one God (apart from Jesus being the son of Allah and Prophet Mohammad (PBUH)). But I will be teaching Muslim teachings too and will leave upon them if they wish to follow the same when they grow up. I’m fine as far as I’m a Muslim itself even after getting married.
Apart from getting married religiously, we will also register under the Special Marriage Act so that society doesn’t create a problem for us.
Hi Ayesha,
You are intelligent and educated. You know exactly what you want but religious institutions will not let you do what you think is right. Now the big question for you is–now are you going to please parents/religious institutions or continue to follow your own instincts and intuitions and do that is right for a good citizen of 2020 to do? Most likely those two sets of religious institutions and parents will want you to break your lover relationship of 9 years now, are you ready for it?
We will be happy with what ever you do as far it is a fully informed decision. Here, we are bringing many points for you to critically think about. We are not discouraging you but just pointing some reality of life based on what we have seen with 1200 other youths on this site since 2006.
We know only Ismaili faith that will conduct Nikaah without conversion of the non-Muslim. Let us know if you find any other progressive imam.
You said, “quranic verse focuses this equally on both men and women, I believe.” First, we have read all over that it is only “men” are allowed to marry People of Book, and Islamic women must marry only to Muslim only. On women, read these Koranic statements (2:223, 2:228, 2:282, 4:3, 4:11, 4:15, 4:34, 4:35, 4:24, 24:4 and 66:5) and let us know if Koran promotes quality for men and women.
Are you truly a Muslim? Are you performing namaz five times a day? Do you believe Hindus who believe in multiple Devis and Devtas are kafir? Do you believe in the Judgment Day? Do you believe Darwin’s law of evaluation is wrong and we are all products of Adam and Eve? If you are a true Muslim, how do you justify your 9 years of love relationship when Koran clearly forbids it (read Koran 24:30; https://www.interfaithshaadi.org/blog/?p=11208). Now you have to decide if you are:
1) out to prove to your imams that you are a true Muslim and believes in literally following Koran OR
2) you trust Allah sitting in your heart and will keep doing that you feel is right to do? Are you a Muslim for others or you are a Muslim for yourself?
We do not agree to these, “To convince his parents, I would have to get married in his church” and “It’s okay if my children are baptized and are Christians “. You are a modern educated women. Why not live your life with dignity and pride? We request you to be honest to his parents and church and clearly tell them in writing that “I will be teaching Muslim teachings too”. What will you tell your children for who is Jesus; a Son of Allah or not? Islam and Christianity are like mixing milk and yogurt, you will have to do that you think is right rather than pleasing others. Let’s talk more later.