Sabia says: February 10, 2013 at 2:51 am
Hi,
I’m 21, in love with a non-Muslim black man but scared of my family.
Please don’t be judgmental, I’ll pretty much be judged by my relatives anyway.
I need advice, not a lecture. Please answer with an open-mind.
I have known this guy for four years. I met him through a mutual friend and it’s online.
He was very distant at first and he is also very reserved around a lot of people. 2 years ago, he started opening up to me and we became good friends. He’s very admirable and is good at everything he does. He’s very caring, calm and mature. He’s always helping me out with my problems. He’s always listening to me and does not complain about anything. He’s also very understanding and has a big heart.
A few months ago, I told him I liked him and he returned my feelings.
We have pretty much fallen in love and he says that I’m the only one for him and I feel the same. The place I’m in (South Asia) has a lot of men who disrespect women and treat them as if they inferior. If you’re from S.A, please don’t be offended but that’s how majority of the men in countries in S.A are and I know a lot of men like this. My father left my mother for another woman and treats my mother badly while he treats the other one like a queen. Same with my aunt. Her husband has left her.
The guy I like, he treats me like I’m a queen and does not seem interested in other women, only me. He tells me I’m beautiful and that I’m a good person whenever I feel down. I have problems with low self-esteem and he’s always helping me feel good about myself. I’ve been depressed because of my family (mostly because of my father) for as long as I can remember. My father has always been abusive towards me, my brother and my mother. Especially me and my mother. I almost lost myself.
I told my mother that I would never marry anyone because I have seen how my dad and my uncle are. A few of my friends have also been in the same situation (father leaving them) and that made it worse. But ever since he came into my life, I’ve found myself smiling for no reason, I’ve become happier, I haven’t been cutting myself (I used to do it to cope with stress) and I feel more confident in myself. I’ve also started praying more and thanking Allah (SWT) for giving me such a wonderful person in my life. I’ve learnt to look at the positive things in life and I have honestly never felt this way in my life.
I feel like I can have hope in love and marriage again. I had lost that and I remember praying to Allah (SWT) to give me a person I could love, someone who was good and someone who was able to make me feel alive.
He and I connect. There are times when he finishes my sentences and knows exactly how I feel. He can tell when there is something wrong or when I am upset. I feel nervous around him and my heart always skips a beat while talking to him.
The problem is, he’s black. I don’t mind and I have discussed this with my mother. She isn’t racist and so isn’t my brother. The problem is my father who is somewhat racist (he makes racist jokes) and my relatives. They are always going on about people with fair skin and they basically have no problem with a boy from their own family being dark complexion but if it’s someone else, they have a huge problem. They are always saying “oh, if you’re dark, no one will marry you.”
It really bothers me. I hate racism and I am against it.
My mother told me that if I consider getting marred, I should marry an educated man who is older than I am and he should be rich.
The educated and older part fits him (he’s 26, I’ll 22 in a month) but he’s not rich. And honestly, I don’t want money. I just think that he should earn enough for us to survive and never depend on anyone. I have discussed this with my mother, she does agree but then sometimes she says I should get married to a rich man.
He has a job. He is a busy person. He says he wants to go into voice acting, make some money and then come and see me. He’s from a catholic family but he’s an atheist. He asked me about Islam and he agreed with its preachings. I actually felt comfortable talking with him about it. I told him I won’t do anything with him until marriage and he said, “you’re my lady and it would be disrespectful of me to go against your wishes in such a manner.” He is not a virgin but he said it was once and he says he won’t do it and that he will wait for me. He’s not alcoholic and hates alcohol and does not consume pork at all. He does not do drugs and is always listening to me and advising me. I know he’ll convert but I’m just scared of what my relatives will say and about my mother.
My mother says she will never make me marry a man for whom I don’t have any feelings for. My father said that I can marry whoever I choose to marry because he does not care. He says that I should just tell him I’m getting married, whether he comes or not.
My brother is the only one who won’t (probably) object. The problem is, my eldest aunt would try to interfere and she has a habit of humiliating people and I don’t want anyone to say anything about him or his looks or anything. He is handsome but I know my relatives. I don’t want them to say anything and I feel that it’s none of their business. What should I do? -Sabia
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Admin says:
Sabia,
Thank you for sharing your life story.
First, do not plan to marry in rush, take 4 years more to think through. Apparently you are in the West, and you will make a better decision with your age-maturity.
Another most important point, ignore your father and his expectations. He has not done his job as a true loving father (and a good husband to your mother), and that man has no right to tell you what is good for you and what is not.
It is unfortunate that girls are looking for a rich man. This is just too sad. It is not how much money his parents has that is important, but what you two together could earn over years of married life should be important. Ignore money out of your decision, but certainly value his education.
Discrimination is a part of human nature. A Shia will discriminate a Sunni, a Mormon to a Catholic, white to black, skinny to a fat and a tall to short ones. If you give more years to take a final decision, it will give you more strength to get over it.
Expect discrimination to blacks in your community. Do not make your relationships a battle ground. Do not fight to your uncles and relatives when they make any negative comment. Prepare your bf and tell him to be prepared for it, just learn to ignore ignorant people. Over years, others will realize the truth and come to terms. Thus instead of fights, just reply them with a smile (telling them to wake up).
You may like it or not, but you are not different than your father. We clearly see that you are a telibani, love-jihadi and love-proselytizer. If that black man decline to convert to Islam, you are going to walk away. He said he is an atheist, why you want him to announce him as a Muslim who follow Muhammod’s rules? Why not you let him be what ever he is (Christian or atheist)? Why you are trying to convert him to something he is not? Why to convert a rose to carnation? You are nothing but an opportunist modern-refined-telibani.
Do not marry this poor black atheist man if you wish him to be a Muslim. Instead, accept him the way he is, AS IS. -Admin
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Sabia says: February 11, 2013 at 7:44 am
Hi Admin,
I am not Talibani. I understand your view point. I shall not force him to convert, rather shall try to educate my father. In case he does not agree, then I shall be at liberty to take my own decision. I donot want to live a restricted life of Muslim women, in burqa and have a sense of insecurity of being divorced any time. -Sabia.
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Admin says:
Sabia,
We know you are a truly a good human-being, a godly person, educated, an intellectual and a critical thinker. Be proud of what you are and thank God to make you what ever you are, expect nothing more from God. Do not get emotionally blind in love nor do things to please your patents/imams. Make a decision that is right for you and will be a long lasting.
Unfortunately, it takes time to know who you are and realize other con-artists in this World. We fully trust you that in the end, you will make a decision that is right for you. Keep us posted as you move along. Best wishes.
Note: Our definition of God is not the one who is defined in some books, god who is given a limited scope, is a personal god of a few chosen people or dreamt by some apostles/gurus. This world will be a better place to live if we love and respect others – the way they are. We should not expect God to do us favors and give more than others or any more than what He has already given to us; rather we should focus on controlling our own destiny. We should do good karma without expectations of fruits, that’s all.
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Also read: Islamic Women Today, Inter-race marriages, Hindu-Muslim marriages, Hindu girl, Muslim girl, Hindu boy, Muslim boy, Christian-Muslim marriages, Hymen Repair Surgery,
Salaam
My name is Sasha. My full name is Aleksandr and I was born in Chisinau, Moldova to an Uzbek father and a Moldovan mother. My father is a Jew and my mother was baptized as Eastern Orthodox Christian (her mother was half Jewish). I grew up as a half-Uzbek half-Moldovan boy, but deep down I always knew I was Jewish by blood. It took me until the age of 12, when I finally realized I didn’t have to hide it. That was from the help of a girl I had met, a Muslim. Over the year and a half, we had become friends, and she was not very religious nor was I. Together, we made promises to be halaal (kosher) together, and always watched out for each other. I made sure no man had ever touched her, and she gave me the friendship I had long needed in my life, she was my first friend.
Months passed (I was 13), and she had left to go back to Pakistan to visit relatives, then moved to a different state. I had lost contact until I turned 15, and we found each other again on a site. We grew back to our old friendship, and I had told her I had waited for many years for her return. She had apologized to me for never telling me, and we continued to talk. Valentine’s Day had come, and I was ashamed to tell her, but we shared the same feelings. I knew she was a Muslim, and she had known I was a Jew, but it didn’t bother us. We decided to further our friendship, but not become boyfriend/girlfriend. With our friendship, I had read the Qur’an with her, and she told me because of my caring and kindness to her, she no longer feels ashamed to be Muslim. I stopped calling Him Yahweh, and accepted Allah as the name.
Months turned into years and our feelings slowly started progressing to the point where we wanted to marry. We knew we were young, but it was the first instance of love we had ever had in our lives. I wrote her poetry in Farsi and Urdu for her to show my devotion to this girl. I have never looked at her with “imagining eyes” (sex, kisses, hugs), and I always encouraged her to wear her dupatta because it was beautiful and I had always appreciated her modesty. I told her sex is a marital bond and should only be shared between husband and wife, and she said she had felt so happy to know that I felt the same way about marriage as her.
At the time of her 17th birthday, I had sent her a gold nose ring, and some poetry, to show my affection for her, in which I told her I got her special gifts. The gifts quickly turned into nightmares though. Her mother had found my gifts first! While she was at school, her mother had peered into my gifts and was deeply shocked. By the time Aisha (the girl’s name) got home, she had found her mother in tears, praying Allah to forgive her for what Aisha has done.
I have felt shame in what I did, I had taken away her daughter’s trust, her respect, and also, her heart. Aisha had told me that we could not be together, not even friends because her mother now knows. She feared that if I came to ask for her hand, her mother would hurriedly rush her off to Pakistan to be arranged. I felt broken. The one girl I had loved, I lost over a gift. Our feelings were true, and we were never haraam with each other. Ever since that day, I have not smiled, eaten, slept, or felt any sort of happiness. We continue to secretly talk, but no longer with emotions. She does not want her family to lose their reputation, and begs me not to ask for her, as to not ruin my family’s name as well.
I find myself praying to Allah more and more, asking for my forgiveness for ruining such a family. I ask Allah to allow me to be with her and her family, not for sex or any haraam desire, but for the happiness we give each other, and I am willing to provide everything for her and her family. We have felt unhappy, but she asks me not to try to convince her mother. I feel like Allah has punished me for my actions. I was born a Jew, but feel Muslim at heart because of her. I do accept Muhammad as the Prophet, and tell her ways she can improve being Muslim everyday, which she has never thought of.
I want to tell her family that I will provide for her, and will never hurt her, and am willing to become Muslim for them if they wish me to. Her mother thinks I am any other man, who only seeks sex and to hurt and bring shame to her. She claims she has found everything in my letters to prove it, overlooking the obvious poetry I have written. She will not even give Aisha the chance to tell her about me. I try to pray to Allah to tell her mother that I am not the man she is thinking of, I am true in what I say and feel. I wrote her poetry from my heart, and I support Aisha’s decisions, I will raise my children as Muslims, for I have always loved Islam, even if I am Jewish. I wrote her mother a letter that Aisha does not know of, asking her mother for forgiveness and to give me a chance to explain myself.
My question is: If I become Muslim, what would I tell my family and what would I have to do? My grandfather who is a practicing Christian (father’s side) hates Muslims and Jews. I have told him about me being Jewish, and he told me “Never! You must not damn yourself that way. You are not Jewish and never will be. Absurd! (Insert long list of Russian cuss words)”
When I told him I thought Muslim women were the most beautiful women in the world, he had yelled and said in Russian (Uzbeks and Moldovans all speak Russian due to Communism) “Sickly! They hide themselves in rags and never even know the desire to love! They will never treat a man right, they only know their Allah! They are so sickly, and I hope you never find one! God will curse you to Hell for loving one of THEM!!”
I obviously do not agree at all with this, so please help me in finding a way to tell both families of the way I feel.
Khuda Hafez
Reply to Sasha at https://www.interfaithshaadi.org/?p=4363
Hi Admn/Satyen,
Really feeling proud of muslim sisters, responding so outspokenly on this blog on various issues of islamic evils.
Credit goes to you both for providing such a great forum for such girls to highlight burning problems they have been facing hundreds of years right from their ancestors.
God bless you both always.
Veena,
Thanks for the appreciation. The great cause of rescuing the Muslim women from the age old tyranny has been spearheaded by the Admin and the Muslim women/girls including you. These are the praiseworthy people. I am only serving the Allah/God by serving His creation. It’s only the prophets who have divided this beautiful humanity into Muslims and non-Muslims etc. To me, all these Muslim women are no different than than other Hindu women as I don’t accept this Muhammad’s division of the Allah’s creation. All the women fall in the category of Mothers/sisters/daughters/friends. So, why unfriendly treatment for them? Let’s spread the message of one humanity without any division among themselves.
Hi Admn.
I am not Talibani. I understand your view point. I shall not force him to convert, rather shall try to educate my father. In case he does not agree, then I shall be at liberty to take my own decision. I donot want to live a restricted life of muslim women, in burqa and have a sense of insecurity of being divorced any time.