Vikas February 10, 2020
Hi everyone, I’m a non Jain guy in love with a Jain girl. We both love each other a lot. Her Mom is very strict with Jainism and her elder brother too. Its been 3 months that we have decided to go ahead for marriage, we are serious about each other.
She has informed her Mom about me, reason being her family has started looking for a Jain guy for her every saturday, but my girl rejects them all. Now that we have informed her Mom, which I felt is a bit early, she feels upset when her Mom says that you are leaving Jainism totally. I have assured her about everything for her Jainism, but her Mom says that incase of love marriage initially everyone agrees to do everything for you, but things get worse with time.
I want to marry her and keep her happy for life, I need help as to how must I approach her family for the same.
Also I’m planning to settle abroad with her, for which I have started the arrangements already, but the obstacle is to convince her family to let her marry me.
More information: Jain-Hindu Marriage Situations, Jain-Hindu Relationships, Muslim-Jain Relationships.
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Admin,
Just to add to my previous comments, my relatives from my Mom’s side have accepted the girl. It’s My parents, sister and dad’s siblings who have still not accepted her.
Hi Admin,
The struggle is still in progress. My Mom and sister are still adamant about meeting her and even if they do, they seem to be not welcoming at all. My dad, my uncle and aunt, all 3 of them have ganged up against me, behind my back. I’m planning to move out to a rented apartment in the same city, that would encourage my girlfriend to convince her parents in an effective way. However, there are fights between us too with respect to the food that will be cooked at home. She being a jain, wants that only jain food should be cooked, and if non jain food is needed, she says I can go out to eat whenever I wish. She’s understanding in all matters except the food part. My point is that she should be a bit flexible if non jain food is cooked at home for me/my parents, although I’m ready to join her with Jain food too. I’m just feeling lost at times and mentally drained.
This is a very hard situation to pass through. I hope she is little flexible. If Jainism is very important for her, it is good she marries a Jain. In interfaith marriages, there has to be some compromises. If she agrees and if you can manage to live on your own (paying your own cost), go for the marriage. Parents will come around later.
Hi Vikas,
Can you please help us with an update? How did it go? Where are you guys now?
What is the progress?
Hi,
The current situation is that both families are not ready to accept, but we are hiding things and still carrying on. I feel that is we get more time for relationship we can find out more ways to convince families, I’m sure I’ll be stubborn to convince my family. The only major concern for me as of now is that my gf breaks down just thinking of the future that her family will not accept even in the future and then she will be in a difficult situation to choose between me and her family. She is of the opinion that we must keep our families happy for our marriage and I’m still struggling to find out ways for that. We both love each other a lot but it’s her family that’s holding her back. I’m having a really tough time holding onto her, I fear losing her…it’s just that she’s emotionally weak and out of her breakdown I fear she shouldn’t give up because of family pressure. I really love her. Just seeking your advice on how to handle this.
Hi Vikas, it is certainly a difficult situation. Parents and societies will not accept your choice and it is difficult to change the society by an individual like you. Those who are financially independent and not wrapped by the society, they (like Bollywood heroes) can get away to do that they want. However, it will be difficult for you.
We admire your gf’s wishes to make parents happy, however we feel it is okay to make them unhappy on a short run for a long term happiness. It is like a bitter medicine, it taste bad on a short run but it is good if it cures the disease. Even she finds a boy of her choice from her own cast, still they will be unhappy because he is short/poor/dark complexion/not good parents of bf/sister-in-law is bossy etc. Even she marries to a boy of their own choice, later, they will have something left to say for him and his parents. One cannot live life to please parents 100%, and all times, but be respectful and thankful for their sacrifices. A baby bird must leave the nest and make own life.
We hope something good will come out but don’t be hopeful that it will be soon. We wish you the best.
Hi,
The Current scenario is that her parents are not ready to accept someone from other caste other than Jain/Gujrati. They have even started forcing her to stay away from me and are try to break her emotionally, so much so that even they have forced her to message me saying a “No, our marriage is not possible”. They made her cry a lot saying that we never expected you to break our trust and what not things. She is now giving up emotinally which is traumatic for me, I’m holding her firmly, her family is saying that even if the guy is good at things he is not Jain/Gujrati we cannot give you anywhere. I have planned that i will ask her to gain her family’s trust and then after sometime we both will separately apply for going abroad for future studies, coming back after 2 years or so and then I feel by that time things will be settled at my place and her’s too. I feel this is the only best way for us to be together. But the major problem here is that she has revealed at her place I(me-Vikas) will be going abroad, so now her family will think that is maybe our plan, so I would like to know if there’s some way to portray things and we move out separately from here and get together there in abroad, come back after 2 years and standby each other for marriage. My girlfriend’s fear is that the society will harass her family and so she’s giving up slightly on our relationship. I am very much depressed, but still holding hard onto our relationship and I want this to work. Please suggest.
It is just so unfair to your love. Nothing matters more than their caste/religion. This is a reality of life that many youths are going through. We hope you don’t get depressed but instead spend your energy in a positive direction, what ever that is. Going abroad or even out of town/state will make it lots easy to deal with parents. Keep trying. Best wishes.
Hi,
My Parents are holding the opinion that I should me stable financially and own more assets to support my partner. But simultaneously I have to convince them completely for my gf. Also we earlier had thought that we both would individually go abroad for study and then come back then disclose things to families hoping that it works out that way and I would be more financially stable. But there’s a problem with going abroad, which is that my gf has informed her family that I am moving abroad, so now it’s a bit difficult for her to convince her parents to allow her to go abroad. Her family is sticking to the point that he is not of the same caste. I feel the best way would be we going abroad individually and meeting there, coming back…but we need a way to convince her family to allow her to move abroad as they are thinking that she’s going out because I’m going out.
If they find a girl of their choice, they will not tell you “I should me stable financially “. Parents have so much control over two of you and thus will not let you do it, unless they get tired of your sticking to her. As said before, try a stunt, even you don’t mean it. Tell them you both will marry by XYZ date, take or leave it. You are just moving out and will manage however. Let them boil over!
Hi, the current situation has arrived at a point where she has to reveal things about me to her Bhai, today or tomorrow max. She is concerned as to how to tackle points like kundali matching. Also I would like your suggestion as to how shall we or she first approach her Bhai regarding my topic. We both love each other alot and now that things are so ahead , we want to reveal it to her Bhai, any way which she should discuss this would make it bit easier for her, because she has to open up first and then is when after her bhai decides is when I will meet him.
Please suggest as soon as possible.
Are you sure about your own parents accepting her? Till you are not 100% sure, there is no sense putting her in trouble with her family. In these kind of matters, there is no need to rush or there is no urgency. Things will move in terms of months, not hours.
Hi,
As far as living independently is concerned the situation at my place is that I’m the sole provider to my family as Dad is unemployed since last 5 years. It’s me who is entirely driving my family just that I have complied with them always and been a sincere son that they are trying to push over their decision to me. I’m ready to stand by my decision, because I don’t want to kill my feelings for the society. Also my partner is unaware of this as I don’t want to hurt her feelings now, also she would be informing her brother about our relationship soon this week or next. I’m scared as my partner fears her brother a lot and I don’t want situations to turn against me. Also please suggest as to how should I keep my word in front of her Bhai when we meet as I love her alot and can’t imagine a life without her.
If you are the bread earner, it will make it little easy to do that you think is right. We are sure “ultimately” you will make your parents happy. Let us know if there is any progress on your situation.
Hi,
So here’s the major twist of my life that I got today. This was an eye opener to me. Today when I sat down separately with my Mom and sister, the kind of feedback I got was devastating, I felt like this is not my family at all. My sister said a big flat No, and her reason was that the girls of not fair complexion and also she is shorter in height than me. She said that I have only one brother and I would like him to get someone tall and beautiful of fair complexion. She crossed her limits and lost my respect when she said that if you want such complexion girl then I would better get you married to our house maid only. I had wanted to react angrily at her but I didn’t. I thought she is still immature that’s why. Later on when I had similar discussion with my Mom she also refused her by saying that she doesn’t match you, your height, also she is not having good complexion and her face isn’t well shaped. She explained it by saying that you doing love marriage is fine but atleast get some good looking girl for you. I lost it all, as I’m a kind of person who has been brought up by saying it’s not looks that matter, the person must have a good heart. But today when I hear these words from my family I feel disheartened that my entire life is a lie that I have been living so far. My dad really gets on my nerves as he wants to show off in the society that my son is so educated yet he got married to someone of the same caste only. My dad’s younger brother had been betrayed in his business twice and those people were Gujarati ‘s and so my dad’s perception is that all Gujarati s are betrayers and so he doesn’t want one in his own house. I feel today I lost my family and I’m all alone and that the life that I lived so far is just a bubble that the society has burst now. Ultimately, to my family also the society matters the most. I feel so disheartened that I have loved someone so much and she is also showing so much efforts yet I feel guilty that I shouldn’t have loved, so that she wouldn’t have fallen for me.
Sorry to hear all these but is not unfamiliar to us. This is a typical situation in most homes, from any faith.
The parents raised you and they think they “own” you and want you to play at their tunes for life. Actually, this is just a beginning, wait till you get married (even a girl from their choice). They (including your sister) will always have problems with your wife, even they picked her. That is why quarrels go on between daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law (sasu-bahu, nanand-bhabhi) in every home.
It is smart on your part not to fight with your sister or not get into heated discussion with parents. It does not do any good for your cause. Instead, you decide what do you want, and tell them firmly your decision. Sometimes, it takes years to set in their minds.
Get help from a close family member, if you know a right person who can influence them.
If parents say no, are you in a position to override them? What if they kicked you out of the home? If necessary, can you make your own living and conduct your life without their help? We are not saying what should you do, but you have to put all your cards in place and play the game right. This game is called Growing Up as an Adult! Best wishes.
Hi admin,
As mentioned in your previous comment that I must go and meet her Mom as a friend, but her Mom has been informed about me and she has denied to meet me, in that case how do I plan to meet her, as once I will meet I can share with her my heartfelt feelings that I will take care of her daughter. Also her earner brother knows me by name but not by the fact that I have proposed his sister, so you’re saying that I must meet her brother as a friend first and then open up after few meetings that I’m looking forward to my future with his sister. I’m fine going any which ways. The only fear on my side of the family is about society, which I’ll convince them I will handle. I would like you to suggest me about how do I proceed further in my equation with her Mom who already knows about me and her earner brother who doesn’t know about me so far.
Hi, so yesterday I had invited my girlfriend to my place and introduced her to my parents and the reaction seemed quite positive to me. My family has shown interest in our relationship. Now my concern is to convince her family especially mentioning the fact that her Mom is strict Jain, but yes she has kept this topic of me and her daughter upto herself only and not shared it with her Bhai. As I mentioned earlier her Bhai is the provider provider of the family, so his decision is what matters. How do I proceed further with convincing them both as we want to get married.
Great that your parents’ response about her is positive. This is called a human factor. Please keep bringing her to your family and more they see her, it will set in their minds that she is a part of the family. Once you have one set of parents with you, it will make lots easy to deal with the second set.
Now do the same on the other side. You start visiting as just a friend. Meet the earner brother too (again, just sas a friend). When you are talking to her mother, tell her that you will take good care of your daughter and will make her happy for life. More specifically (and if you believe in it), you will respect the Jain faith and also let children follow it. There is no way your children will be any less a Jain than most others. If your potential mother-in-law is money minded, tell some times later, that you and she will work and thus potentially will be making good money in life.
Later, if her side are still resisting, request your parents to go and talk to her side. Request your parents to tell her side that they will be happy to accept a Jain daughter-in-law and there should not be any religion related issues in this new couple’s life.
Why to fight in names of God? Why not love and respect all? [in our experience, this advice will not work in most cases of Muslim-Hindu relationships]
Hi, So the current situation is that at her place her Mom is asking her to have look at the bio-data coming in for pure Jain guys. She is rejecting everyone, but then last night when her family was together, her Bhai asked her that why is she saying no to all guys, is there someone you love? She wanted to say about me, but since Bhai was not alone so she couldn’t say it. Her Mom is still adamant about Jainism, and doesn’t even want to meet a non Jain person. My only way is to convince her Bhai, also that since we both are at the initial level of our career, at my place my family has just come out of crisis and is entirely dependent on me. I fear that her Bhai may think about my current family condition and say a no, which I don’t want to happen. I’m striving hard for a better future, and since it’s just the start of my life I feel I deserve a chance and will prove myself. Also my plan is to marry her and take her abroad, where we start afresh with our struggle. Please suggest.
Hi Vikas,
Life is tough but you are on a right track to handle one issue at a time. For youths, it is very difficult to marry interfaith when both parents are against the lovers and you are not financially independent. Meantime, she works on her parents, please prepare your parents mentally to accept a Jain in your home. You do your best and hope all will fall in place as you wish (or sometimes, God has a different plan for you!). Best wishes.
Hi, so the problem here is we want to marry each other with the consent of our parents, even she holds the same opinion and we have made up our mind that we won’t give up. She feels upset at times when her Mom emotionally blackmails her.
It is a turf war. Parents think they “own” you, but they have to realise that you came to this world through them. You respect them but does not mean you will dance at their tune all your life.
When a baby bird gets wings, the young bird has to fly away from the nest; unless the bird is handicap. This is the way God has designed this world.
We honour your desire to respect your parents, that is the way it has to be. However, sometimes you also have to have rights to say NO (again for a long term happy relationship).
Ask her to get connected with us here and we will guide her for how to deal with her mom who is blackmailing her . She can use any make up name here thus her privacy will be protected.
Hi,
I’m ready to marry her now, but the major concern is to convince our parents. Also my Mom says that this is an early age(mid 20s) to take such a big decision. Earlier when I had started looking out for a girl, Mom was happy that I’m doing it on my own, and she was fine with anything except for other religion. But now when I have brought this girl home, she changed her statement by saying that meet girls but only “as a friend” , I’m very disappointed with this statement of her. She added to that by saying meet and date a 100 girls then arrive at a decision. I replied that is it of a good thing to date 100 , to which she said even Lord Krishna had “n” no. Of girls for him. I’m really upset with this behavior of my parents, I’m still holding onto my decision of marrying the same girl. Mom says that the girl is not ambitious, too immature for you, she will dump you and what not things. I want to take this forward by keeping my points and everyone’s consent. Please suggest.
Is it the same she would say to your (cousin)sister, “saying meet and date a 100 girls”?
You are already mid-20s and still she is spoon feeding you for what you should and not do? These “the girl is not ambitious, too immature for you, she will dump you” are certainly irrational statement without knowing her. Convincing parents is not going to be easy like 1-2-3. It may take you months or even years to convince them. Only when they realise that you are 100% to marry her, then only they will bend.
Just for testing them out, you give them a clear deadline (even you are not sure now) that you will marry her by June 1, 2020 by the Special Marriage act 1954 (civil wedding). The girl also should try the same in her home. Let parents boil all over. It is possible they may come to terms in the end.
Can you find a job out of your own town? That will make all your efforts easy.
This is what I wrote in my book, let me know what do you think?
Messages to all parents
Parents must realize that their children are not their property.
Parents don’t own children. Children just came to this world through parents, that’s all.
Treat your children like guests.
Talk to your children like you would do to your best friend or a boss at work.
Do not suppress your children (like a spring), one day they will bounce back with disaster.
Treat your children like a wet soap in your hand, if you hold too hard or too soft, it will slide out. You have to learn to hold them with just right pressure.
Trust them, respect them, give them good practical education and hope for the best.
Give them education about sex and interfaith marriage assuming they could potentially do it. Proper teaching and trust will go a long way.
Hi, so yes there’s another thing that has come up now, My Mom feels that it would be difficult for us to attend social/religious/cultural gathering and hence she is not very much agreeing to our marriage. Additionally, Dad thinks that marrying a girl From hometown/same religion is their pride and then they can walk with pride in society and no one can lift a finger at them. I’m really shocked that my parents hold such views, although I still want to marry the Jain girl and now I want to convince my parents as well as hers. Any suggestions to that.
People have public views and private views. Your parents posed as a open minded tolerant in public, but now you know “I’m really shocked that my parents hold such views”. Now you have to decide if there is any logic to their arguments. Why having a cultural and religious, but Jain, girl is a disgrace and “difficult for us to attend social/religious/cultural gathering”? Why people will point finger at you just because she is Jain? It may be a matter of first time, but others have to get used to your pick.
Let us ask you a question. If you are already married to her today and bring her home as your wife, what would they do now? would they kick you out of home? Can you make your own living on your own money and job etc?
Parents rattle a lot in the beginning, but after a year or so, when they realised they do not have power to control you, they will adjust and accept your choice. However, it is you who have to decide how much trouble you want to take for your love.
Hello, Yes, I’m a Hindu guy, and I’m fine with the religious practices she follows. Although the question about children being Jain or not is not a concern for me as I’m fine with whatever suits them best, but again not forgetting that my parents would be having some expectations in that regards. Also this concern her mother had raised, so I’m still not sure how do I go about with things in this regard with my parents as well as her parents. I have made dietary changes on my side to make sure that we manage, also have convinced parents of the dietary changes. I have also conveyed to her that I won’t force my family to do dietary changes, just that I’ll do whatever it takes to manage between her expectations and my family’s.
Hi, just to add to it, my Mom is concerned how will I handle family/social/religious gathering if I’m planning to go ahead with the Jain girl. Also my dad is of the opinion that it’s their pride that their well educated son gets married to girl of our hometown/religion only and not otherwise. The situation is complex, but I still want to marry the Jain girl, how do I manage to get everyone on the same page.
So the first problem is not her mother but your parents. Actually, it is not parents but YOU who have to first decide what is right and wrong. There is no way you can run your life or be happy by pleasing others. Are you going to do things in your life for honour (how ever it is defined by others) of your family? If that is most important for you, you should leave her now.
Why marrying a Jain a disgrace for a Hindu family? She can respect your practices and be a part of it. Likewise, you allow her to be a proud Jain and be part of her practices. You raise children in both faiths. Do you see a problem in this strategy? If yes, it is time to move on. If no, convince your parents and this is your love and she will make them proud as a daughter-in-law. Best wishes.
Hi Vikas,
I have the same situation. I’m a Jain man and my gf is a Christian. My parents are too strict followers of Jainism and it’s almost impossible for me to introduce them to her. Her family is absolutely okay with me.
Please let me know how is your current scenario with yourself and your gf. Are they ready to accept?
Dear VJ,
What denomination that Christian party is from? Are you also going to have a church wedding? Assuming all goes well as planned, how are you planning to register your marriage? Is that Hindu/Jain vivaha, Christian or the Special Marriage Act?
Hi Vikas,
Interfaith marriages are a new reality of our life. We know many successful Jain-Hindu marriages, however we understand concerns of her mother.
On “we have informed her Mom, which I felt is a bit early”, no this is a great idea to tell parents sooner than later. This will give them time to come to a new reality of life.
On “she feels upset when her Mom says that you are leaving Jainism totally”, we understand her concerns. All parents are proud of their heritage and they don’t want to loose out. Jains are a small community and don’t want it to go into extinction. You said you are a non-Jain. We assume you are a Hindu, is that true? Are you okay raising children in mainly in Jain faith? We understood from your writing that you do not have any problem your future wife will not have any restriction being a Jain in a Hindu home, is that correct? If she says no potato and onion in your Hindu home, is that okay with you? If she visits a derasar (and not routinely a Hindu temple), is that okay for you? Ask her mother what she wants your future children to be raised as, and assure her that you will make sure it gets followed.
This is true, “Mom says that incase of love marriage initially everyone agrees”. To assure her involve your (Hindu) parents. Are they going to be okay and tolerant to Jain practices of your future wife? Ask your parents to go and talk to her mother for being ready to accept a Jain daughter-in-law.
After marriage, are you planning to stay with your Hindu parents? Once you move out of your town to a different location for job/studies, it will make all very easy to deal with.
It seems that your wife is solid for this relationship. Ask her to get connected with us on this post. We would like to hear from her too. Best wishes.