Issues in Interfaith Marriages

source: Peninsula Multifaith Coalition
March 24, 2016

Interfaith marriage is a part of our new life. There is a high rate of interfaith marriages (40% to up to 70% in America) across all faith groups. Interfaith marriages are increasing but unfortunately issues in interfaith relationships are not reducing.

Today’s youths are secular and are influenced by media. Many don’t care to strictly follow norms in their family/culture and thus end up dating people from other faiths. Many times they even agree to follow new faith/traditions without really understanding what they are agreeing to. However, unexpected issues surface when they decide to get married. The issues get worst when time comes to give religious education to their children. A few issues are summaries here:

ISSUES IN INTERFAITH MARRIAGES

1) Which Church to Join?: Will the interfaith married couple and their children join: 1) one of two church/mosque/synagogue/mandir, 2) will attend both on different days or 3) will decide not to be a part of any of religious institution? Certain faith traditions may not allow dual religions and thus the interfaith couples will be compelled to decide one or the other.

2) What will be religions of children?: Will interfaith children follow one, the other or none of two religions of their parents? Will these children be honoring one, both or none of two Traditions? Will children follow certain milestones (like christening, baptism, bar mitzvah, sunat, namasankara, etc)? What will interfaith children learn about God?

3) Role of in-laws and community: Today’s pluralist and secular youths may wish to find some middle ground and manage their interfaith life with harmony of two faiths but that may not be acceptable by one or the other in-laws or community.

4) Weddings: Is interfaith couples going to have wedding ceremony from only one of two traditions or going to have dual weddings to satisfy all? Alternatively, will they consider only civil wedding and ignore both faith traditions? Conflicting rituals in two faiths may create problems. Certain religious institutions forbid dual weddings.

5) Holidays: Conflicting religious traditions will bring headaches to interfaith couple during major holidays, especially when two faiths are at odds or with historical conflicts.

6) First name of children: Will children have names of one tradition or both?

7) Food/Diet: Will the interfaith family cook and eat halal, kosher or vegetarian food?

8) Culture: Individual cultural practices will impact family life. In some cultures dominance by in-laws is considered an acceptable practice. In some other cultures, male dominance is expected. Certain dress code (like hijab or turban) can be an issue by the other family. Is the other interfaith party aware and can cope with such cultural differences?

9) Finances: To be a part of a religious institution, the couple may have to pay 3-12% of their total gross income to the institution. Will the other side okay with such financial commitment for life?

10) Burial: One day we have to go and can go only one way. Will the burial for the couple (or children) be according to one or the other tradition?

WHAT COULD A DATING COUPLE DO?

What should a dating interfaith couple do before getting deep into a serious interfaith relationship to make it a healthy one? The couple could discuss above listed issues and decide before hands for how they will handle their planned married life. It is also good to run by couple’s decision to the two sets of parents to make sure parents are on board for the planned married life.

A big confusion may come between a pluralist (all faiths lead to salvation) and an exclusivist (only my faith is truth). A pluralist may agree for religious conversion to the other faith without realizing what they are getting into. In the later case, major issues may potentially surface 5-10 years down in couple’s married life when time comes to guide children.

Instead of picking one or the other faith, and if it works for the couple, Unitarian type unifying concept may be a good solution. Sometimes, the couple will have to make compromises and reluctantly accept the other faith practices even not acceptable in own faith.

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