Farhana says on Hymen Replacement Surgery: January 11, 2013 at 9:38 am
I am a single Pakistani-American Muslim girl, born and raised in the U.S., and I just turned twenty. I’m very secular, but I believe in God. My immediate family is very much like me, but the rest of our family, who we are very close with, take religion quite seriously. I’m expected to marry a Muslim man someday, which I have absolutely a big problem with; I dont want my eventual children raised under this faith.
Here’s my problem: I really, really want to have sex now. I’m twenty, and I’m not a virgin because of sexual reasons with my BF, and that I’m ashamed of my body; it’s simply because I’m afraid I’ll end up marrying an old-fashioned guy who, upon discovering I am not a virgin, will not be interested in me anymore. My fears stem from what I was told about an aunt who was not a virgin when she got married; when her husband discovered that she did not bleed, he kicked her out onto the street, on their wedding night!
I am under great dilema whether I should go for hymen repair surgery or use artificial hymen kid, if married to a muslim guy?
Some times I feel that I could have all the sex I want without any social repercussions, but life just doesn’t work that way; I don’t know any single Muslim men who could accept me with broken hymen.
Please advise. -Farhana
Admin says:
Farhana,
You are educated, in the West, could be financially independent soon and have secular thinkings.
You have made two very contrasting statements “I’m expected to marry a Muslim man someday” and “which I have absolutely a big problem with; I dont want my eventual children raised under this faith.”
What do you expect out of a Muslim man? What your Muslim husband will do with a wife who is not virgin, is secular and who don’t want to raise children under Islam? Islam and a secular don’t mix well, Islam is an absolutely an exclusivist religion. Think where are you taking your life to.
You are a realistic with your fear, “..stem from what I was told about an aunt who was not a virgin when she got married; when her husband discovered that she did not bleed, he kicked her out onto the street, on their wedding night!” You may be able to get surgery to fix that thin membrane, but will not be able to change your secular and independent mind.
You are only 20 and you have a long way to go. This post is your autobiography, express yourself! With this post, please tell the World what are right things to do in life, what is a religion and who is (the) God? -Admin
Farhana says: January 13, 2013 at 2:06 am
Thanks Admin,
Now considering all pros and cons of the situation, I have decided not to marry a muslim guy and no need to go for HRS or using artificial hymen kit to prove my virginity. In fact yesterday, I met with my ex-BF and he has shown interest to marry me. He is Budhdhist by relgion and recently got a good job in a MNC. We both have decided to finalize our future plans. He hails from Vietnam. Hopefully, this decision will be good for me. -Farhana
.
Also read: Help me renounce Islam,
Muslim girl,
45.1% of Muslim women marry outside their faith in America,
One day you have to face ALLAH,
Islamic Women Today,
Be a friend on Facebook. Return to InterfaithShaadi.org. To share your experience, read.
The hatred/cruelty shown in islam on disbelievers is itself the major reason that one should avoid and should not take islam. one has right to choose his faith and no one has a right to harm them for no reason.
People should think about this and move away from islam
surely, u are coming from hindu background and marking lies towards islam without any knowledge
In Quran,surah baqrah chapter 2 verse 111
“..produce your proof if you are truthfull”
What is your background and experiences?
Crimes Against Women and Children in the Name of Islam
Mohammed, the prophet of the Islamic world, married his last bride Aisha when she was just six years old, and the consummated the marriage with her when she was just nine years old. In Islamic states, partly because of this precedent, this practice still happens in fundamentalist countries like Afghanistan. Muslims will say that a child of six or seven is almost certain to be a virgin. Mohammed was at least 50 when he married Aisha.
The practice of forced marriages (as opposed to arranged marriages) in some Muslim states such as Afghanistan is very common. Some reports claim that somewhere between 60-80 percent of marriages in Afghanistan are forced upon the girls involved or without the consent of the girls. These marriages are seen as a way to resolve conflicts between families, or as a way to absolve someone of a wrongdoing. The girls are treated as they would treat cattle, and are given to these men as offerings.
Some reports also estimate that 57 percent of Afghani girls are married before the age of 16, and it is unusual to find an unmarried girl older than 18 years of age. The practice is justified twofold; that the girls are helping to keep the peace between families, and that the Islamic prophet Mohammed had set this precedent.
In Afghanistan the legal age to be married is 16, but many people ignore this law or claim they were unaware of it. The children in this situation are robbed of childhood, and as you will see, many are robbed of their life. This practice is abhorrent, and any civilised culture will see it as such.
In Nigeria, a 49-year-old Muslim Senator has reportedly married a 13-year-old girl, and has allegedly previously married a 15-year-old in 2006, citing that he paid a dowry of $100,000 to the parents for her. Although looked down upon by other ministers in Nigeria it is still happening.
Women in Islam have no rights, especially if they are non-Muslim, and these men get away with their evils because people are too afraid to stand up against the barbarity of the culture which the religion they follow has instilled in them. Threats of death are imposed upon those who would stand up against this. In Lahore, a man and his entourage of Muslim lawyers has threatened to “burn alive” anyone who will come to the defence of a 12-year-old servant of his, whom he raped and murdered.
Many girls will find themselves in a marriage with a man much older than they are, and will be given the sole duties of looking after the household and giving offspring to the man. Some men have multiple wives, and the women become a harem for that man. The men are often abusive to these girls, sometimes to the point where the girl should be hospitalised, but often is not. The beating of wives is seen as the “honourable thing to do”, for the wife must be kept in line with the wishings of the man and of Allah.
Often these girls will find themselves in these abusive relationships, and will seek a way out. But the way out is a problem in itself; if the girl were to leave she would bring shame upon her own family and her husband’s, and would be hunted down and possibly stoned to death or just beaten withing an inch of her life; if she stays, she may be beaten thus anyhow. Sometimes out of pure desperation, a girl seeking to be free from the bonds of this abusive relationship will choose self-harm rather than bringing shame upon her people.
In Afghanistan, it is believe that more than 10 women and girls choose self-immolation (warning very graphic content) as the escape from their bondage. Around the web there are numerous stories of women who, feeling there was no better way, have chosen to set themselves on fire rather than continue living in such conditions. Some girls die from their injuries. Some do not but are so badly scarred so as to lose their legs, or are severely disfigured by these burns. Those that live may wind up on the streets, homeless.
The culture in Afghanistan is such that women are treated as slaves, and in some cases, worse than dogs. Not only do they wear the burqa in public at all times, they are not allowed to leave the home alone, not allowed to speak to anyone they don’t know, and not allowed to make their identity known nor engage with any of their husband’s friends they may meet in the street. They are not treated as second-class citizens, rather as livestock that can produce more sons for the family.
People blame Islam for these practices. And yet, there are many more Islamic people who don’t practice this than do. Islam itself is not to blame wholly for these atrocities, rather the culture that bases itself upon Islam, then justifies these stone-aged practices based on the words of the Koran or the Hadeeth, saying it is God’s will that this be done. When a culture is poor and has little or no access to education, these kinds of barbaric practices continue to happen.
The culture in Afghanistan is sick. The barbarism and sheer disrespect for human rights that occurs there is all so often backed up by the perverse and outmoded words of their holy books. This illness in the Afghan culture continues, even after the ousting of the Taliban, who were ultra conservative and would set upon women with batons for showing ANY skin, but it is not much better now.
While this culture is deeply ingrained in their societies, these practices in the name of Islam shows it toi be, in its extreme, nothing more than an ultra-conservative ultra-violent “boy’s club” where it members all look after each other. And as sickening as all this is, nothing seems to be getting better.
These girls stories are the same story I have heard again and again of extreme desperation, of girls who see their only escape from forced marriage as being self harm. It is gut-wrenchingly sad to see such lives destroyed by the greed and stupidity of men. Here is an example of one girl’s account of the horrors she has faced at the brutal hands of an extreme Islamic patriarchy
Prophet Muhammad S.A.W Wives
Khadija
May God be pleased with her, was the first among the Prophet’s wives. At the time of her marriage, she was forty years old and Muhammad, upon him be peace, was twenty-five. She was the mother of all his children except a son, Ibrahim, who did not live long. As well as being a wife, Khadija was also a friend to her husband, the sharer of his inclinations and ideals to a remarkable degree. Their marriage was wonderfully blessed; they lived together in profound harmony for twenty-three years. Through every contumely and outrage heaped upon him by the idolaters, through every persecution, Khadija was his dearest companion and helper. He loved her very deeply and did not marry any other woman during her lifetime. This marriage is the ideal of intimacy, friendship, mutual respect, support and consolation, for all marriages. Though faithful and loyal to all his wives, he never forgot Khadija after her death and mentioned her virtues and merits extensively on many occasions. The Prophet did not marry for another four to five years after Khadija’s death. Providing their daily food and provisions, bearing their troubles and hardships, Muhammad, upon him be peace, looked after his children and performed the duties of mother as well as father. To allege of such a man that he was a sensualist or suffered from lust for women, is as disgraceful and as stupid a lie as can be imagined. For if there were even the least grain of truth in it, he could not have lived as we know that he did.
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‘A’isha
May God be pleased with her, was his second wife, though not in the order of marriages. She was the daughter of his closest friend and devoted follower, Abu Bakr. Abu Bakr, one of the earliest converts to Islam had long hoped to cement the deep attachment that existed between himself and the Prophet, by giving to him his daughter in marriage. By marrying ‘A’isha the Prophet accorded the highest honour and courtesy to a man who had shared all the good and bad times with him throughout his mission.
‘A’isha, who proved to be a remarkably intelligent and wise woman, had both the nature and temperament to carry forward the work of Prophetic mission. Her marriage was the schooling through which she was prepared as a spiritual guide and teacher to the whole of the female world. She became one of the major students and disciples of the Prophet and through him, like so many of the Muslims of that blessed time, her skills and talents were matured and perfected, so that she joined him in the abode of bliss both as wife and as student. Her life and her services to Islam after her marriage prove that such an exceptional person was worthy to be the wife of the Prophet. For, when the time came, she proved herself one of the greatest authorities on Hadith, an excellent commentator on the Qur’an and a most distinguished and knowledgeable expert (faqih) in Islamic law. She truly represented the inward and outward qualities and experiences (zahir and batin) of the Prophet Muhammad, upon him be peace, through her unique understanding.
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Umm Salama
May God be pleased with her, was from the clan of Makhzum. She was first married to her cousin. The couple had embraced Islam at the very beginning and emigrated to Abyssinia, to avoid the persecutions of the Quraysh. After returning from Abyssinia, the couple and their four children migrated to Madina. Her husband participated in many battles and received severe wounds at the battle of Uhud from which he later died. Abu Bakr and ‘Umar proposed marriage to Umm Salama, aware of her needs and suffering as a widow with children to support and no means of doing so. She refused because, according to her judgement, no one could be better than her late husband.
Some time after that, the Prophet himself offered to marry her. This was quite right and natural. For this great woman, who had never shied from sacrifice and suffering for her faith in Islam, was now alone after having lived many years in the noblest clan of Arabia. She could not be neglected and left to beg her way in life. Considering her piety, sincerity and all that she had suffered, she certainly deserved to be helped. By taking her into his household, the Prophet was doing what he had been doing since his youth, namely befriending those who were lacking in friends, supporting those who were unsupported, protecting those who were unprotected.
Umm Salama was intelligent and quick in comprehension just as ‘A’isha was. She had all the capacities and gifts to become a spiritual guide and teacher. When the gracious and compassionate Prophet took her under his protection, a new student to whom all the female world would be grateful, was accepted into the school of knowledge and guidance. Let us recall that, at this time, the Prophet was approaching the age of sixty. For him to have married a widow with many children, to have accepted the expenses and responsibilities that entailed, cannot be understood otherwise than in humble admiration for the infinite reserves of his humanity and compassion.
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Umm Habiba
May God be pleased with her, was the daughter of Abu Sufyan who, for a long time had been the most determined enemy of the Prophet’s mission, and the most determined supporter of kufr (unbelief). Yet his daughter was one of the earliest converts to Islam. She emigrated to Abyssinia because of persecution by the unbelievers. Whilst there, her husband died and she was all alone, and desperate, in exile.
The Companions of the Prophet were then few in number and had little in the way of material wealth to support themselves, let alone to support others. What then were the practical options open to Umm Habiba? She might convert to Christianity in Abyssinia and so obtain support from the Christians, but that was unthinkable. She might return to her father’s home, now a headquarters of the war against Islam, but that too was unthinkable. She might wander from household to household as a beggar, but again it was an unthinkable option for one who belonged to one of the richest and noblest Arab families to bring shame upon her family name by doing so.
God recompensed Umm Habiba for all that she lost or sacrificed in the way of Islam. She had suffered a lonely exile in an insecure environment among people of a race and religion different from her own; she was made wretched too by her husband’s death. The Prophet, on learning of her plight, responded by sending an offer of marriage through the king Negus. This was an action both noble and generous, and a practical proof of the verse: We have not sent you save as a mercy for all creatures (al-Anbiya’, 21.107).
Through this marriage, the powerful family of Abu Sufyan came to be linked with the person and household of the Prophet, something that led them to adopt a different attitude to Islam. It is also correct to trace the influence of this marriage, beyond the family of Abu Sufyan, on all the Umayyads, who ruled the Muslims for almost a hundred years. The clan whose members had been the most fanatical in their hatred of Islam produced some of Islam’s most renowned warriors, administrators and governors in the early period. Without doubt it was the marriage to Umm Habiba that began this change: the Prophet’s depth of generosity and magnanimity of soul surely overwhelmed them.
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Zaynab bint Jahsh
May God be pleased with her, was also a lady of noble birth, descended and a close relative of the Prophet. She was, moreover, a woman of great piety, who fasted much, kept long vigils, and gave generously to the poor. When the Prophet asked for the hand of Zaynab for Zayd, Zaynab’s family and Zaynab herself were at first unwilling. The family had hoped to marry their daughter to the Prophet. Naturally, when they realized that it was the Prophet’s wish that Zaynab should marry Zayd, they all consented out of deference to their love for the Prophet and his authority. In this way, the marriage took place.
Zayd had been taken captive as a child in the course of tribal wars and sold as a slave. The noble Khadija whose slave he was, presented him to Muhammad, upon him be peace, on the occasion of her marriage to the future Prophet. The Prophet immediately gave Zayd his freedom and shortly afterwards adopted him as his son. The reason for his insistence on Zayd’s marriage to Zaynab was to establish and fortify equality between the Muslims, to make this ideal a reality. His desire was to break down the ancient Arab prejudice against a slave or even freedman marrying a ‘free-born’ woman. The Prophet was therefore starting this hard task with his own relatives.
The marriage did not bring happiness to either Zaynab or Zayd. Zaynab, the lady of noble birth, was a good Muslim of a most pious and exceptional quality. Zayd, the freedman, was among the first to embrace Islam, and he too was a good Muslim. Both loved and obeyed the Prophet, but their marriage was unsustainable because of their mutual incompatibility. Zayd found it no longer tolerable and on several occasions expressed the wish to divorce. The Prophet, however, insisted that he should persevere with patience and that he should not separate from Zaynab. Then, on an occasion while the Prophet was in conversation, the Angel Gabriel came and a Divine Revelation was given to him (Bukhari, Tawhid, 22). The Prophet’s marriage to Zaynab was announced in the revealed verses as a bond already contracted: We have married her to you (al-Ahzab, 33.37). This command was one of the severest trials the Prophet had yet had to face. For he was commanded to do a thing contrary to the traditions of his people, indeed it was a taboo. Yet it had to be done for the sake of God, just as God commanded. ‘A’isha later said: Had the Messenger of God been inclined to suppress anything of what was revealed to him, he would surely have suppressed this verse (Bukhari and Muslim).
Zaynab proved herself most worthy to be the Prophet’s wife; she was always aware of the responsibilities as well as the courtesies proper to her role, and fulfilled those responsibilities to universal admiration.
In the jahiliyyah, an adopted son was regarded as a natural son, and an adopted son’s wife was therefore regarded as a natural son’s wife would be. According to the Qur’anic verse, those who have been ‘wives of your sons proceeding from your loins’ fall within the prohibited degrees of marriage. But this prohibition does not relate to adopted sons with whom there is no real consanguinity. What now seems obvious was not so then. The pagan taboo against marrying the former wives of adopted sons was deeply rooted. It was to uproot this custom that the Prophet’s marriage to Zaynab was commanded by the Revelation.
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Juwayriya bint Harith
May God be pleased with her, was one of a large number of captives taken by Muslims in a military expedition. She was the daughter of Harith, chief of the defeated Banu Mustaliq clan. She was held captive, like other members of her proud family, alongside the ‘common’ people of her clan. When Juwayriya was taken to the Prophet, upon him be peace, she was in considerable distress, not least because her kinsmen had lost everything and her emotions were a profound hate and enmity toward the Muslims. The Prophet understood the wounded pride and dignity and the suffering of this woman; more than that he understood also, in his sublime wisdom, how to resolve the problem and heal that wounded pride. He agreed to pay her ransom, set her free and offered to take her as his wife. How gladly Juwayriya accepted this offer can easily be imagined.
About a hundred families, who had not yet been ransomed, were all set free when the Ansar (the Helpers) and the Muhajirun (the Emigrants) came to realize that the Bani Mustaliq were now among the Prophet’s kin by marriage. A tribe so honoured could not be allowed to remain in slavery (Ibn Hanbal, Musnad, 6,277). In this way the hearts of Juwayriyah and all her people were won.
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Safiyya
May God be pleased with her, was the daughter of Huyayy, one of the chieftains of the Jewish tribe of Khaybar, who had persuaded the Bani Qurayza to break their treaty with the Prophet. From her earliest years she saw her family and relatives determined in opposition to the Prophet, upon him be peace and blessings. She had lost her father, brother and husband at the hands of Muslims, and herself became one of their captives. The attitudes and actions of her family and relatives might have nurtured in her a deep indignation against the Muslims and a desire for revenge. But three days before the Prophet, upon him be peace, arrived at Khaybar, and Safiyya fell captive in the battle, she had seen in a dream a brilliant moon coming out from Madina, moving towards Khaybar, and falling into her lap. She later said: ‘When I was captured I began to hope that my dream would come true.’ When she was brought before him as a captive, the Prophet generously set her free and offered her the choice between remaining a Jew and returning to her people or entering Islam and becoming his wife. ‘I chose God and his Messenger’, she said. Shortly after that, they were married.
Elevated to the Prophet’s household she had the title of ‘mother of the believers’. The Companions of the Prophet honoured and respected her as ‘mother’; she witnessed at first hand the refinement and true courtesy of the men and women whose hearts and minds were submitted to God. Her attitude to her past experiences changed altogether, and she came to appreciate the great honour of being the Prophet’s wife. As a result of this marriage, the attitude of many Jews changed as they came to see and know the Prophet closely.
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Sawda bint Zam‘a
May God be pleased with her, was the widow of one Sakran. Sakran and Sawdah were among the first to embrace Islam and had been forced to emigrate to Abyssinia to escape the persecution of the idolaters. Sakran died in exile and left his wife utterly destitute. As the only means of assisting the poor woman, the Prophet Muhammad, upon him be peace, though himself distressed for the means of daily subsistence, married Sawda. This marriage took place some time after the death of the noble Khadija.
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Hafsa
May God be pleased with her, was the daughter of ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab, the future second Caliph of Islam. This good lady had lost her husband who emigrated to both Abyssinia and Madina and who died of wounds received in battle in the path of God. She remained without a husband for a while. ‘Umar also desired, like Abu Bakr, the honour and blessing of being close to the Prophet in this world and in the Hereafter, so that the Prophet, upon him be peace, took Hafsa as his wife so as to protect and help the daughter of his faithful disciple.
Such were the circumstances and noble motives of the several marriages of the Prophet Muhammad, upon him be peace. We see that these marriages were intended to provide helpless or widowed women with dignified subsistence in the absence of all other means; to console and honour enraged or estranged tribes people, to bring those who had been enemies into some degree of relationship and harmony; to gain for the cause of Islam certain uniquely gifted individuals, in particular some exceptionally talented women; to establish new norms of relationship between different people within the unifying brotherhood of faith in God; and to honour with family bonds the men who were to be the first leaders of the Muslim ummah after him. These marriages had nothing at all to do with self-indulgence or personal desire or lust or any other of the absurd and vile charges laid against the Prophet by Islam’s embittered enemies. With the exception of ‘A’isha, all of the Prophet’s wives were widows, and all his marriages (after that with the noble Khadijah) were contracted when he was already an old man. Far from being acts of self-indulgence then, these marriages were acts of self-discipline.
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All the stories under islamic name are fake and do not believe in them. Thouse women who marry outside islamic faith did not remain muslims and will get hell fire. To learn about islam vist http://www.usislam.org
I am 25 years old Muslim girl, live in USA and in love with one hindu boy, we were studying together in the University, so since 6 years, we are known to each other, and we love each other like a crazy. He is very intelligent , smart and sensitive , working as a software engineer while I am accountant, I know I could not live without him. I want to marry him, he is ready to marry me, his family is also ready but my parent are not ready and forcing me to marry muslim boy. I am depressed now. I can not live without him. I wan to spend rest of my life with him. Now, I have decided to leave my home and parent, I will marry him any cost. I want to convert to Hindu for marriage. IF this is good step?
Reply to Heena at https://www.interfaithshaadi.org/?p=4091
Thanks Admn.
Now considering all pros and cons of the situation, I have decided not to marry a muslim guy and no need to go for HRS or using artificial hymen kit to prove my virginity. In fact yesterday, I met with my ex-BF and he has shown interest to marry me. He is Budhdhist by relgion and recently got a good job in a MNC. We both have decided to finalize our future plans. He hails from Vietnam. Hopefully, this decision will be good for me.
Farhana,
Do not rush into any decision, take your sweet time to make up your decision.
First, take time to understand who are you? What are you looking out of your THIS life? What Islam means to you? Do you believe in Allah? Do you believe in Muhammad as Allah’s only messenger/apostle, not Jesus, not Krishna and not Buddha? Do you have to face Allah on the Judgment Day? …and what Allah will do to you if you marry to a Buddhist?
Are you going to have Islamic Nikaah? Do you know that for Nikaah the Buddhist has to fake-convert to a Islam, have circumcision and accept a new Muslim name? Basically, you have to convert a rose to a carnation!! If you really want carnation, why not to go for a carnation to start with, plenty around?
What will you teach your children about Muhammad and Buddha? Have you read what Koran has to say for Hindus/Buddhists? How will you manage conflicting teachings between two religions? Will children have Arabic names or some Vietnamese names? Think all these points deeply.
Do not jump from a frying pan into fire. You may have seen problems with Islam and may see grass is green on the other side. There are weeds every where. Take time to understand the Buddhist guy and his family. Go visit vietnam if need be. If you see any matter of concern, stop right there. Meantime, keep an option open for any “open-minded” Muslim guy.
You are smart and we are confident that you will make a right decision. Take good deal of time to read on what is written about interfaith marriages on this web site, and made a fully “informed’ decision, what ever that is. Best wishes.
Farhana, What would you tell Heena should do? Best way to learn is to teach. Please come to educate other youths.