RAMESH says: December 20, 2019
This about an episode in India.
Girl: Hindu, under 20 years old, in collge. Very good looking and bubbly personality.
Boy: Muslim, possibly early 20s. No college, no job, dont know what he does.
Boy was after her for a couple of years. She had complained to the family. Family took steps that he does not try to contact again. She also was staying away from him.
Recently, girl went to college. Later, word got back that she has eloped and married the boy.
This very unexpectedly. No prior suspicious activity noticed by family. This would be contrary to her upbringing. Family environment is loving, totally involved with parents, grandparents, friends. No one had any indication.
Family cannot believe or understand what might have happened. Only coping explanation is some sort of mental distortion – so called Vashikaran.
Family already met authorities who interviewed girl. She claims its not against her wish. So, it is done legally, no intervention possible.
Now, very limited contact by phone – yes/no type answers. Any other probing questions hangup.
Any suggestions on what to do ?
If it is not vashikaran and it is out of her own will and she is happy, family is ready to accept. But it is unbelievable so wondering what is happening and what to do.
Have you heard of such scenarios ? Any real life cases ? Advice ? What might the motives be ?
Admin says:
This is certainly a horrible experience for any family. Now instead of getting emotional, be practical to handle the situation.
First, if the (Hindu) girl is more than 18 years old and the (Muslim) boy is more than 21 years old, they can legally get married in India. Since they are adults, they do not need consent of parents (read Indian Laws here.. https://interfaithshaadi.org/indian-marriage-and-divorce-laws/).
You said, “its not against her wish”, does the “it” means, is that “marriage” or “a choice to live with another adult”? Earlier, you said, “word got back that she… married the boy.” Are they confirmed married? Check local court’s papers, if available.
Find out what is exact age of the boy, specifically, if he is over 21. Hire a local personal investigator to find them and help find more details.
If you do find that couple or boy’s relatives, under emotions, don’t go physical to hurt anyone. This will only bring more legal trouble for your family. Let laws take it’s course.
Now people may ask a question if this is a case of Love-Jihad. It may be or not. This kind of talk does not have any legal bearing. To make a case against the boy, the girl herself has to make a statement that she has been fooled or deceived. The later is less likely, at least on a short run, since apparently she made this move out of her own wishes (even under some pressure from the boy).
The thoughts about “vashikaran” are not relevant. Your family should focus on practicality of the situation, that all.
It is possible that they may have got married and now living like a married couple. It is possible his community may be supporting his decisions, he may not be alone calling shots. Most likely, he would not gone for a Hindu or a Civil wedding.
If he is a love-Jihadi, he would opt for the Islamic Nikaah; where the girl has to convert to Islam (Shahadah) in rush, even without understand what Islam is all about. After Shahadah, she is a Muslim, no more a Hindu.
They may have filed their marriage under the Islamic marriage act in India. Now, their married life, including if any divorce, will be dictated by that law and Islamic practices.
Best you can do is to get connected with the girl to make sure she is emotionally and physically safe. If you find her, put her in touch with one of people from your family who she is close. Sometimes, parents may be worst to go front because they may go emotional.
When you meet her, hear out her story to win her trust. Tell her that your family love her and mother wishes you to see and hug her. Remember, she still loves the parents and family, but she cannot express it now due to her blind-love. As hard as it may be, make her feel welcomed to the family. It is only time will bring her trust back to the family.
If you feel the girl is in destress or not acting normally when you meet (or via police or other way), hire a good attorney and have her psychological evaluation.
Once you reach to the stage of good communication between parents/family and girl, let’s talk more for the steps forward. View my messages given at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ch9MvATwJA4 @ 1:10:00 min time point. The most important point to discussed out is to request her not to get pregnant for next two years. Explain her that life is long and there should not be a rush to have babies now. Babies at this early age will ruin her life.
Please update us right here, best wishes. -Admin
RAMESH says: February 26, 2020 6:45 pm
Dear Admin,
I just wanted to give an update: Life is returning to normal for everyone. Girl is continuing her studies. She is keeping in contact with the family via phone. Although still hesitating to share details of her new life and family There is acceptance of what has happened and now Its upto the couple to make the best of their life together.
Thanks for your tips. Also, your book is wonderfully educational on this subject. -Ramesh.
More information: Hindu-Muslim Marriage, Sharia, Muslim-Hindu marriages, Hindu-Muslim lovers’ experiences, Koran on Hindus? Hindu girl-Muslim boy, Marriage & Divorce laws.
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I left home and I was happy I was moving out of my parents’ control and going for a free life. However, I got into this situation where now this guy starts calling shots.I moved from parental control to a boyfriend’s control, nothing changed for me. This is absolutely unbelievable stupidity on my part to put up with these.
We never had discussion on Hinduism as a topic, but he believed Hindu practices were wrong. For example, if we are passing by a temple and I do namaste in front, he would criticize that god is not praying in passing. Obviously, he is against idol worship. If I want to go into a temple, he will say you go in, not me. If I bring back prasad he won’t take it. In the boys’ hostel everyone knew he wouldn’t play Holi and should be left alone.
I love animals and was a vegetarian; he seemed to have no respect for my choices and said it doesn’t make sense since plants have the same pain and science can prove it. Also, he said that keeping dogs at home as pets is haram.
All my friends kept telling me I am on a wrong path, but I did not believe them. He was exceptionally romantic and praised me a lot, so I couldn’t think of anything more but his love. I was absolutely foolish. My love was nothing but my stupidity. In love and relationships both people can only be happy if there is mutual respect, else the submissive partner feels suffocated, and that is where I was.
When college ended and we graduated, he said his family won’t agree. I didn’t care to convince him. Actually, I was happy because I had no courage to break up after realizing all this in the first couple of years. I was just being submissive and going on with the relationship as it was hard to break up. I feel blessed that we separated, else I would just have been a burkha clad shadow of him.
If he wanted to be together, I don’t know if I could have backed down. This is because of a sense of commitment installed in me; even when I knew it wasn’t the right arrangement for me. I feel Indian families don’t allow children to fail, not even in relationships! Parents don’t tell them that it’s okay to make the wrong choice and when one realizes that it is a wrong choice, one has rights to back out. We act as if parents are perfect and children need to be perfect too.
When my parents started looking for alliances a few years after college, I knew what I was looking for. I was looking for someone who would not try to change me but accept me AS IS. For sure, someone who is not controlling me but nurturing me. I am glad I looked for those traits. My Hindu husband turned out to be a person who I was looking for. After more than three decades, I am glad he is what I thought he was.
I told my husband everything before we got married. He was upset for a few days but came back and said that he is okay with everything as long as it doesn’t impact our future together. I promised him I have nothing to do with my past anymore and the rest is history. I have been happily married for three decades. He never raised this topic, ever! He is the best thing that happened in my life, and he says so am I.
My husband changed the course of my life. He gave me full liberty to live life as I wish. Whatever situations life brought us into, my husband always trusted me completely.
My husband is responsible, loving, caring and understanding. He is 1000% different than that Muslim boyfriend, who was totally controlling. My husband may not compliment me often but his deeds are worth more than his words.
I turned from a pseudo secular person at a risk to enter a Muslim family to a person 100 percent committed to Hinduism. Even today, I am not a very ritualistic person to my in-laws’ abhor . I enjoy seeing my husband doing rituals, but I take refuge in paths of yoga and meditation for my inner well being. I know that rituals are not Hinduism, they are part of it, but there are so many paths. Beauty of Hinduism is that each one of us can have an individual path and there have been gurus leading us into each one of those! This is a luxury a person born only in Hinduism has !
Now my kids do all pooja, mantra and understand meanings of it. Parents need to understand, respect and love kids. Positive discipline is good but controlling each move is counterproductive. We encourage dialogue with our kids before they buy into it. It is certainly different from my childhood where mom-dad’s word out of their mouth was the final word.
Today I have full liberty and freedom to enjoy my life to fullest with my beloved husband as an equal partner. I am glad I do not have those controls of my parents. My relationship with my parents has also become great, as I am able to put better boundaries and encourage discussion. So grateful, that I did not marry an Islamist who believes women should not sing, are less than man and should be kept in burka. Today, that Muslim boyfriend is holding a prestigious job and his wife has luxuries of life but is caged in a burka. However, I got saved,and now I truly have my own wings to fly, and a marriage with respect and equality !
Ps: I am not saying all Hindu men will be as open as my husband, and can’t be controlling. If Hindu men are controlling, it is because of their family and social conditioning, not because of tenets of Hinduism. However, Muslim men’s control is validated by Quran and non negotiable and Muslim women’s submissiveness is a requirement per Quran.
Reply at https://interfaithshaadi.org/hindu-fell-muslim-boy-college/
Only the other side knows the true motives at this point. I feel that the girl’s family should encourage the girl to become self reliant as it is very important to lead a confident life as a woman. She should delay having any children until she is self reliant. In the meanwhile, girl’s family should Keep in touch and gain her confidence so that she freely shares what is going on in her life. Let her come back with her insecurities and provide solutions, not preaching based on pre-conceived notions. It is important not to make her feel guilty… what’s done is done, we have to look at the future.
Dear Admin,
I just wanted to give an update: Life is returning to normal for everyone. Girl is continuing her studies. She is keeping in contact with the family via phone. Although still hesitating to share details of her new life and family There is acceptance of what has happened and now Its upto the couple to make the best of their life together.
Thanks for your tips. Also, your book is wonderfully educational on this subject.
Dear Admin,
I read the book “Interfaith Marriage: Share and Respect with Equality “. It has such an eye opening information.
Diversity and Inclusion is all around us. When it extends to building serious interfaith relationships a guidebook such as this becomes invaluable.
It is a must read for all couples contemplating interfaith weddings, especially when one partner is from the Hindu or Dharmic tradition. This book should be read BEFORE starting the relationship in order to ensure a successful marraige because it encourages them to become aware of important aspects involved in faith so that they are understood, discussed, and agreed upon
The book highlights both philosophical tenants and practical aspects of customs followed by the most popular faiths. It covers a wide range of issues and dives into the details of their implications. The book is well organized into chapters and sections so as offer quick reference to topics of interest. It is peppered with quotes to draw attention to key concepts
This companion website serves as an extension for real life discussions and updates. Thanks for putting together all relevant information in one place in an easy to understand format
A message to all parents:
Indian parents are native when comes to handling interfaith marriage situations. They just make up their minds that 1) interfaith marriages are bad and 2) the other party is bad person/community/religion. When your son or daughter is in (potential) love with someone, this is a wrong way to start.
In above case, “Boy was after her for a couple of years. She had complained to the family”, the family made exactly very wrong move by… “Family took steps that he does not try to contact again.”. This was a wrong strategy for any parent to follow. Instead of telling others what to do or not, the parents should have spend time educating their own daughter. View my video message https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ch9MvATwJA4 at @ 52:17 min (long before), 55:30 min (on the day) and 59:27 min (10 points of no conversion). If this parents took time to educate their daughter and let her managed her own life situation, she would have made a rational move that is good for her.
Well, now the damage has been done for this case, parents should try to salvage the situation playing their cards right. We hope to help out the family right here, parents, do get back here.
Googling “youtube muslim Vashikaran” gives tons of advertisements of this . I am not a believer in this. But I was wondering if anyone on the forum had any 1st hand experience of this. Very sad scenario. Maybe its the only way them folks can make some meaning out of this
Dear Admin, Thanks for the tips. yes, she says marraige is not against her wish and marraige certificate is filed.
Was it an Islamic Nikaah wedding or civil wedding (under the Special Act 1954)?
Yes, understood that is was not against her wish, but how much she has thought about her life?…
Will the boy be able to support her for life?
She (assume) took Shahadah (conversion) but did she understood what is means by being a Muslim?
Does she know that marriage by the Islamic Marriage Act means the Talaak has to be managed by Sharia courts and the guy can have 3 additional wives?
Has she read Koran?
Does she know about intolerance of Islam for other religious practices?
Does she know punishment for converting out of Islam (death; Bukhari 9.84.57).
If she gets Talaak in the middle of a cold night, where will she go? Is that place going to be her parents’ home (we hope not!)?