In earlier sections the author discussed issues in interfaith marriages. Here, issues in withinfaith marriages are highlighted. It is human nature to discriminate and, to some extent, to be intolerant of others. However if we learn to love and respect others, it will be a win-win for all.
Interfaith marriages have many issues, but intra or withinfaith marriages are not without their own issues either. The withinfaith divorce rates and gravity of problems are also significant. Some of the root causes of problems in withinfaith marriages in Eastern culture are unusually high expectations, ingrained social customs, discrimination against women in some cases, and sometimes the paradoxical human nature to discriminate against one’s own type. It is time for an attitude change. In this article, some of the main issues related to withinfaith marriages of people from Eastern cultures are highlighted using hypothetical names, Meera (Hindu) and Margaret (Western Christian).
As a new fiancée in a Hindu family, Meera may be expected from the start to help her mother-in-law-to-be in the kitchen frying samosas (Indian dumplings) while the same Indian mother-in-law-to-be will be joyous if Margaret just eats the samosas she has fried for her. Any gift from Meera’s parents may not be sufficient to please the Hindu boy’s parents, while the same parents may gladly buy many Indian costumes for Margaret and her entire family at their own expense.
In many cultures, women have traditionally been housewives and have been expected to be responsible for household chores and for maintaining social relationships. In this day and age the new generation of educated Eastern women are expected to take on additional responsibilities such as earning for the family. Unfortunately, some Eastern men and their families have not fully adapted to the reality of this social change. Meera may work outside the home but when she returns home after work, she is expected to carry out all household chores, including taking care of children and cooking. Her husband may decide to help where he feels appropriate or may just relax. The same Eastern man, if married to Margaret, will gladly take over many household chores including cleaning dishes and bathrooms.
Eastern parents are not used to seeing men working in the kitchen or folding the laundry. When Eastern parents visit their son in the West, normally they wish to relax during their vacation. When they see their son going into the kitchen to help Meera, the parents will immediately intervene and offer to take over their son’s chores, not Meera’s. The same Eastern parents do not realize that they are much less likely to have a chance of living with Margaret for a significant time during their visit.
The author knows of a case where a Hindu-American girl married a Pakistani after religious conversion to Islam. The (former) Hindu is treated like a queen by Muslim in-laws whenever she visits Pakistan. In contrast, her Muslim sister-in-law from Pakistan gets rude treatment from the same Muslim in-laws in spite of her doing all the daily chores. These Pakistani parents do not realize that the (former) Hindu daughter-in-law, in her mind, underwent a fake-conversion ceremony (shahadah oath) necessary for the Islamic nikaah wedding. The Pakistani parents are still unaware today that this couple also had a Hindu wedding ceremony (prohibited in Islam) and that their Hindu daughter-in-law is performing Ganesh puja every day in America.
When there is a withinfaith marriage, parents expect to maintain traditions coming from generations. In another example, Bangladeshi Raquib’s Muslim-Muslim engagement is in trouble because of the expectations that he purchase certain gifts (clothes) of sufficient value for his wife’s parents in Pakistan. While the dowry system is still prevalent in the East, the parents would not even dream of a dowry if the engagement was to Margaret.
It is normal for Eastern parents to micro-analyze a potential fiancé(e) when it is a withinfaith marriage. For example, a Patel-Hindu contemplating marriage to another Patel-Hindu has to answer if the selected Patel is Kadva or Leuva Patel and whether they are Swaminarayan, Shaivites or Vaishnav. However the same parents will not know about Margaret beyond the label of German-French.
During the engagement process, the withinfaith fiancé(e) undergoes strict scrutiny and background checks. Even if there were some un-authenticated information that Meera was flirting with boys in college, it could become a big moral issue. It is a practice in some Muslim communities to display a bloody bed sheet after the honeymoon night as proof of the bride’s virginity and if the new bride does not come through, it could be grounds for a divorce on the first day. Would they follow the same practice if the wife was Margaret?
Many Eastern boys and girls in Western colleges purposely date friends from a different faith. One of the main reasons is that in the early 20’s, withinfaith dating often escalates to talk of marriage that they have no interest in now. Muslim and Hindu girls will not consider sleeping with a boyfriend of their own faith due to the social stigma; these girls may be less reluctant with a boyfriend from another faith. Likewise, an Eastern boy may start dating Margaret just for the romance but may end up marrying her.
Due to the issues mentioned above, should Eastern boys and girls consider interfaith marriage over withinfaith marriage? That is certainly not the message here. Interfaith marriages have their own issues. In general, divorce rates in interfaith marriages are higher compared to withinfaith marriages. Most interfaith issues surface after children reach the ages of 5-13, when it becomes time to decide the children’s “formal” religion.
Cultural issues could also add to complexities at a later age. As an Eastern man enters late middle age (i.e. 50+ years) he would tend to go back to his own roots and may find that there is less of common interest left with the menopausal-Margatet.
Compared to interfaith marriages, the gravity of issues is higher in the early years for withinfaith married couples. If Meera wishes to be successful in a withinfaith marriage, she needs to learn to deal sternly with her in-laws. From the start, Meera has to start teaching the Eastern husband about the more contemporary rules of married life. If Meera deals with the issues early on, her marriage may improve over the years. In contrast, many interfaith marriage issues tend to resurface about ten years into the marriage. These religious conflicts may continue even until it is time to perform the final rites.
The time has come for Eastern parents to adapt to the new realities of life. Typically Hindu parents will always have something to complain about with Meera’s choices, whether she is in an interfaith or withinfaith marriage. Those parents should be reminded that the situation could potentially be worse if Meera decides to get into a relationship with Margaret!
Parents should know that they don’t “own” their child; rather the child has come into this world through them. If parents start respecting their children like they respect their friends and boss at work, the parent-child relationship will blossom and both will benefit.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Instead of getting stuck on issues in your planned married life, one needs to learn to deal with issues at hand. For example, if a person raised in the Dharmic faith fell in love with a religious person from an Abrahamic faith, the most critical questions to address upfront are the decisions whether or not to convert to the spouse’s religion and what the formal religion of any future children would be. Dharmic couples considering a withinfaith marriage would be advised to evaluate real compatability with each other and potential negative influences of in-laws.
Life is never like a rose garden; and even if it is, roses always have thorns. Learn to live and let others live.
A Chapter from the book Interfaith Marriages: Share and Respect with Equality is posted here. View some of others chapters from the book here.
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