This article is directed to proud Hindu parents and youths.
Proselytism and religious conversion of poor and less fortunate Hindus in India is of major concern to many, but the silent religious conversions of educated and blessed Hindu new adults and their children in the West has not raised the eyebrows of most.
Thirty eight percent of marriages of Hindus, Jains and Sikhs (Dharmics) in America are to Christians, Jews and Muslims (Abrahamics). Forty five percent of Muslims in America marry to non-Muslims. However, there is a limited tolerance for Hindus and Hindu practices of praying to multiple forms of God in Abrahamics’ exclusivist religious beliefs. , , , Maybe for this reason they expect conversion of the Hindu spouse. Many marriages in Christian churches or in mosques require religious conversion of Hindus by baptism or shahadah respectively, to the faith of intended spouse. In some cases, a Christian or Jew may not ask for a religious conversion for marriage but will expect to declare the interfaith child as a Christian by christening/baptism or Jew by bar/bat mitzvah ceremony, respectively.
Considering that the divorce rate in interfaith marriages is estimated to be quite high, why would any one give up his/her birth religion under pressure? If Mahatma Gandhi had to rewrite his famous statement today, he would probably say, “Your religion is like your mother. Just because your intended spouse is demanding that you adopt your mother-in-law as your dear mother, you are not going to abandon your birth mother!”
In many cases, the partner will start by telling that “I don’t care for religious conversion,” “It is only a formality,” and “Do it just to please my parents or grandmother” but don’t underestimate the inner desire of your partner. If your doctor tells you that you have a high cholesterol or blood pressure, would you not be concerned about a future heart attack or stroke? As a Hindu, a request for performing BBS for marriage should be considered an alarming sign for major trouble coming soon to your marriage.
If your intended spouse or in-laws are expecting the BBS religious conversion, especially for your children, then you have one of two choices: 1) accept his or her Abrahamic faith and be prepared to give up your birth religion and cultural heritage or 2) clarify that you have pride in your religion and ensure equality by not accepting the BBS religious labeling request. Promise only what you mean. A married life based on misleading assurances or lies will have serious consequences later for both. Married life is a long journey which you should not start without clear understanding.
Without realizing long-term consequences, Hindu youths may opt to accept a new religion just to please their intended spouse and in-laws. In some cases, Hindu parents allow Hindu children to convert to the other religion just to please child’s future in-laws or for the happiness of the child.
These days, most Abrahamics are not religious fanatics, but instead are open-minded and will not expect the performance of BBS from the intended Hindu spouse. However, ensuring that the person you are dealing with is tolerant to your identity is a proactive measure to reduce conflicts later. Keep in mind that “tolerance” and “open mindedness” are not measurable characteristics and can change with the wind. Not acceding to performing BBS is a simple litmus test to find out the “true colors” of the intended spouse. Thus, Hindu youths and parents need to learn to ask a simple question: is there any expectation for the children of this marriage to accede to baptism, bris/bar mitzvah or sunat?
Love is often an unplanned event. Love is said to be blind to religion. If so, then why are Hindus expected to be blind? Hindus should check whether their partner’s love of their Abrahamic faith or their love for their partner comes first. It is the Dharmic parents’ responsibility to guide their love-blinded children for the equality of both faiths. The BBS has no place in an interfaith marriage with equality.
In many cases, when a Hindu adamantly denies the conversion for marriage and for their progeny, the other party considers it and understands. When there are other options available, why not ask for them? If the BBS, which is a religious conversion, is an absolute requirement from your potential Abrahamic in-law, why will you want to tolerate some one’s intolerance for what you are? By submitting to the BBS request, Abrahamic’s intolerant practices against others are nurtured and propagated.
Marriages may be made in heaven; however a high percent of interfaith marriages end in divorce. With such a high failure rate, why would anyone want to give up their birth religion? In many cases, divorce costs a lot more than a marriage. The BBS promise may have legal consequences, and after the BBS, the Hindu may find it difficult to win a child custody case against an Abrahamic. Check with your lawyer before submitting to the BBS request.
When it comes to college education, most Hindu parents will do anything possible to make sure their children have nothing but the best. For example, if their son or daughter gives up a medical career for a bar tender job and finds a real joy of life, the Hindu parent will be sure to give hell until the child changes his or her mind. Similarly, if a Hindu new adult becomes a cocaine addict, the parents will not support it by saying that “we want to see you happy and you decide what ever is right for you.” Yet when it comes to religious conversion for marriage, many Dharmic parents lack the conviction or courage to guide their children and face the Abrahamic in-law. Now it is time, in this supposedly tolerant nation of America and world, to say NO to the BBS and expand tolerance and equality in interfaith marriages.
In general Hindu parents are great bargainers when it comes to purchasing a car or a house. Those same negotiation skills can be used when a son or daughter selects an Abrahamic interfaith marriage mate. One needs to respectfully deny the request for conversion by stating that we are what we are and wish to remain so after the marriage. Tolerant potential in-laws will surely consider this request. At least one should ask, just to learn of their “true colors.”
If a Hindu daughter found a handsome and well educated Hindu and that intended spouse later asked for a $5,000 dowry as a pre-condition for the marriage, that parent would probably ask their daughter to reconsider her decision, fearing that this junwani (old timer) may bring more troubles later in her life. Similarly, why should anyone tolerate it if a junwani Abrahamic asks for religious pride as dowry for the marriage?
Many parents tolerate the intolerance and accept the thought of religious conversion for their children, thinking this is an easy fix to the marital gridlock. Further, there is no risk to their prestige in the Hindu community since no one will find out. However, the time will come when these proud Hindus, now grandparents, will feel guilty seeing their grandchildren following a different faith. It will not be pleasant for these proud Hindu grandparents to drive their Abrahamic grandchildren to a church, synagogues or mosque/madrasas for religious education. This guilty feeling will be worse when the time comes to pass your hard earned life estate for the benefit of the believers of the Abrahamic faiths. At that time grandparents may wish that the grandchildren had the option of being Hindus.
The BBS is a social evil for interfaith couples. In our experience, most Abrahamic youth don’t intend to impose the BBS on their interfaith spouse; however many end up doing so because of pressure from their community and religious institutions. Instead of enjoying the most quality time, the couple has to resolve the BBS issue by uncomfortably discussing it just before their marriage. It is hoped that soon there will be an end to the BBS religious conversion practices in interfaith married life.
Well-informed and well thought out decisions for selecting a life mate will be more likely to bring long lasting happiness in a married life. It is important however that one makes sure there is the freedom to follow one’s traditions with the ability to raise their children to do the same, without threats to this liberty created by the Abrahamic in-laws and his or her religious institutions. One of the most important things Hindu, Jain, Sikh or Buddhist parents and youths need to do is to proactively say “NO” to the BBS religious conversion practices of Christians, Jews and Muslims.
A Chapter from the book Interfaith Marriages: Share and Respect with Equality is posted here. View some of others chapters from the book here.
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