Anisha says: July 12, 2018
Hi,I am anisha, m a Jain (digambar) girl.. I am in love with a marwadi boy. I had to rush into telling about him to my parents because they were about to fix my marriage to a guy. It’s been 11 months of relationship. I knew this guy since my school times but we get close via social networking. He is a really nice guy and he also have introduced me to his family. all are ok from his side, but my parents disagree. They led me to leave my job and torture me emotionally at home. There is no restrictions in his family if I go to Jain mandir or to parasnath or follow my religion along with theirs. He blames himself for ruining my career and gets really frustrated and saddened at times. It’s been 6 months since I am at home. I do not want to give up either on him or on my (+)ve feelings that parents will agree, but it’s hard to keep up.. what should I do.
P.S – my home is in a village and there are no places to go..it’s like I am in a house arrest. -Anisha
It’s been like 3 years now. I have waited for my parents to agree to my chosen life partner. My father went to meet his family and after looking at the condition of his home, the genetic (deafness and muteness) running in his family, they are not positive about anything. The guy is going through a tough phase during COVID epidemic.
These days we are having constant arguments and he also have said me(while being angry) that “had he knew me before he wouldn’t have came into a relationship with me”. I am not able to go forward with this relationship neither I am able to step back and break up with him. My parents have finally agreed to get me married to him on condition that they will not be in my contact for a few upcoming years , also they will not invest any money for my marriage. Earlier I used to think that even though other things are a minus for me but he is the biggest plus for me. Since we have been into weekly arguments, I am not able to think positive about my future with him. He might not be able to move on after me. I am not able to decide and my mind is in a complete dilemma. Please guide.
He has gone too negative regarding finances. Even if he saved money for the marriage, they were spent during this covid as 2 old member and him got infected. His father’s sisters have a influence in the house and they are very controlling by the nature. They sometimes also taunt him and he couldn’t say a word because they have helped him financially for his studies.
These days he only fights while on call and ask me to look for a better person. He doesn’t talk nicely at all. I am 100% sure that it is not because he have someone else in his life (no chance) but now I am not able to always listen to his taunts and tantrums anymore. It is getting more and more worse. I am not able to move on neither I want to lose my self respect anymore. I always supported him, from the days he did not had much pay to the days he is earning well. But suddenly, I get to hear that “U do not have any future with me, so go and get another guy”.
I am not able to give myself any reason to not to think about him. If also in future he’ll get so tensed at all the situation then it will be difficult for me to live my life. I tried to make him talk to my relative but to them neither he says no to marriage nor he is very sure of marrying me also. He says-” Naseeb me hoga to ho jaega warna nahi hoga”.
Please tell me a way to stop thinking of ways for him to be normal with me again. I literally have tried all that I could.
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My conclusion about the things that are happening to me is that he has taken me for granted. He thinks that of is ok to yell at me during the times when he is tensed and then he also expects me to let go of the fights and forget about whatever he said whenever he gets a bit normal (i.e after 2-3 days during which I be him to be normal and let go of the anger). He is no more afraid of losing me. He stopped praising me months ago for a lot that I do for him. Earlier he used to feel guilty that I had to sit at home because of him, but now he denies that I did that for him, he says :- I told u to be back and resume your job, but u only never go against your parents wishes and afraid of them breaking bond with you”. He also taunt me about me unable to get the professional degree while everytime I tried for it. He is very short tempered, but now he does not have a filter in his mouth. When he is good, then he is the best person to be with, he’ll act all matured and responsible and knowledgeable. But, now I have started to rethink my words before saying him anything, so that he doesn’t get angry. I have begun to afraid from is reaction if I say something. He stops all conversation after a fight and it’s always me who goes after him for ending the fight and be normal. As suggested by my friends and relatives and also you admin, I am taking a break from him for 2-3 weeks and will just watch his course of action. How much he is willing to talk and get me back and how much he is realising my importance in his life? Did he feel my void and realize that he was wrong with his words towards me? Have he started to take care of what my perspective is? Even at the times he is tensed, is he open to a clear communication or just losing his temper by yelling at me for no apparent reason?
I am on wait and watch phase. Hope to make a decision and be strong in it.
Dear Anisha, you are on track. We like your plan to take 2-3 weeks off and find out if he misses you and wants you back. If no improvement, it is time to end it. This time or in the future, talking to you without utmost respect should not be tolerated.
It is going to be very hard on you but you have to do that you have to. Keep in touch.
Good luck Anisha with your break!!! Hope this break gives you time to clear your mind. While you are on this break, also imagine your future self 5-10 years down the line. What you’d be doing other than taking care of a family. How will you nurture your soul as the time goes by? What makes you happy? Even if you don’t have a professional degree, is there anything that can help you gain some financial independence but at the same time it is something you enjoy? What will you do differently in the future to be not taken for granted? Is there a way to be assertive and firm yet respectful to people? Sending loads of love your way in this time to self reflection
Dear Anisha,
I feel that your parents don’t have problem with non Jain. They have problem with different social status. I suggest if both families can meet each other frequently cn change the scenerio. Now both families don’t know eachother like family friends. We need to respect eachother views and accept the differences.
This is the only way towards better future.
It’s been like 3 years now. I have waited for my parents to agree to my chosen life partner. My father went to meet his family and after looking at the condition of his home, the genetic (deafness and muteness) running in his family, they are not positive about anything. The guy is going through a tough phase during COVID epidemic. These days we are having constant arguments and he also have said me(while being angry) that “had he knew me before he wouldn’t have came into a relationship with me”. I am not able to go forward with this relationship neither I am able to step back and break up with him. My parents have finally agreed to get me married to him on condition that they will not be in my contact for a few upcoming years , also they will not invest any money for my marriage. Earlier I used to think that even though other things are a minus for me but he is the biggest plus for me. Since we have been into weekly arguments, I am not able to think positive about my future with him. He might not be able to move on after me. I am not able to decide and my mind is in a complete dilemma. Please guide.
Dear Anisha,
This is very hard on you to decide. Parents did their best to discourage you, from manglik to genetic. However, we agree to parents for “on condition that they will not be in my contact for a few upcoming years, also they will not invest any money for my marriage”, why should parent invest a penny in your marriage? If you want to make an independent decision for life (marry interfaith), then you should be independent for your strategy too. Why marriage has to be expensive? Just go marry in a court!
Now it is time for you to decide one or the other way and go for it. After that, don’t regret for your decision in life. It is not good to drag this on for ever.
You said earlier that he has a good job and his parents are supportive. Go meet his parents again with him, are they willing to accept you if you just walk in empty hands? If you sense any hesitation from their side or from the boy, with this reality, just walk away from this relationship. We are sure your parents will find a good groom for you. On the other side, if you feel boy’s parents are willing to accept you as their own daughter and are willing to fill the void of parents that you will have, think it to the next level.
You decide if you will be happy financially and all other ways with him? Make list of all other concerns that you have and list here. If rest look good, think of taking changes and decide on your bold move. We still believe in what we said earlier, “all this will change after the marriage, especially after your have grandchildren for them” but note there is no guarantee for it.
Do let us know what else you are thinking or concerned?
He has gone too negative regarding finances. Even if he saved money for the marriage, they were spent during this covid as 2 old member and him got infected. His father’s sisters have a influence in the house and they are very controlling by the nature. They sometimes also taunt him and he couldn’t say a word because they have helped him financially for his studies.
These days he only fights while on call and ask me to look for a better person. He doesn’t talk nicely at all. I am 100% sure that it is not because he have someone else in his life (no chance) but now I am not able to always listen to his taunts and tantrums anymore. It is getting more and more worse. I am not able to move on neither I want to lose my self respect anymore. I always supported him, from the days he did not had much pay to the days he is earning well. But suddenly, I get to hear that “U do not have any future with me, so go and get another guy”.
I am not able to give myself any reason to not to think about him. If also in future he’ll get so tensed at all the situation then it will be difficult for me to live my life. I tried to make him talk to my relative but to them neither he says no to marriage nor he is very sure of marrying me also. He says-” Naseeb me hoga to ho jaega warna nahi hoga”.
Please tell me a way to stop thinking of ways for him to be normal with me again. I literally have tried all that I could.
Dear Anisha, sorry your relationship is going in a wrong way. However, look it a positive way that you are finding out truth before it is too late. Yes, you lost a few years but your parents are there to help you now.
This is not acceptable at all, “he couldn’t say a word”. We always say, boys are like lion with their girl friend but like a goat in front of their parents. If this is the case here, it is time to end it. You cannot marry someone who is not willing to support you unconditionally.
On “he says no to marriage nor he is very sure of marrying me”, your clock (including biological) is ticking. You got to make a firm decision in a short time. You cannot be in the same situation 3 years from now.
On “a way to stop thinking of ways for him to be normal”, no one knows what is “normal”. The dating excitement is for sure not normal. If he is going through financial difficulty for a short time due to sickness etc, he should be honest to you and openly discuss it with you. However, “His father’s sisters have a influence” is not good for you for sure. Further, he has a big debt, that is “they have helped him financially for his studies”–probably you (as a couple) can never pay back in your life (not by rupees but as an obligation).
It is time to think the relationship with a totally fresh mind. Take a blank piece of paper and start writing down positive and negative points. Let us know what you come up with.
Read ADITI‘s case, She could not give up her relationship but now she is happy it ended. We are not saying you should end your relationship but you have to keep all options open.
Dear Anisha,
In any marriage, even the best of the best ones, when a girl steps into the new family, she faces many challenges!
She has to understand and learn about new customs, new family members and their expectations sometimes competition. Expectations are sometimes reasonable and sometimes not so reasonable. She has to then draw boundaries: what she would take and what she would push back on. She can handle everything in her new married world, GIVEN that her husband supports her and stands by her! If you are feeling, your boyfriend is ready to walk away, after so many years of relationship, you need to re-think this relationship too and take a step back to reevaluate everything as admin suggested. Maybe, just take a break for little bit to be by yourself, for 3 weeks, step away and focus on something joyful. Come back with an open mind, talk to your boyfriend then and see what he says. After 3 weeks ask:
1. Yourself::How did it feel to be away from the emotional web?
2. Boyfriend:: did he miss you enough to change his mind/ did your absence make his love for you grow /Are you important enough for him OR he is still wishy washy?
3. What are your options in life: if your boyfriend breaks-up?If he wants to break up, and even if somehow you convince him to marry, imagine how your life will be with him/ his family always telling you that he married under pressure and you are responsible. If he really wants to break free, it’s in your best interest to let him go! But first take a short break before calling any shots.
These days e have a tiff in between us only due to masriage decisions. He does not want to get others infected during covid, so he wants me either ho wait untill vaccine arrives or to do court marriage. Looking at his stance to see “DUNIYADARI” and on the other hand expects me to leave my parents and all support only for him. I did not see a balance here. His father’s sister and their husband have blamed him. They have blamed him to be the reason for his grandmother’s testing positive for covid and now he is so afraid of all these that he says that – if anything happens to anyone after a small marriage ceremony also then the blame will be on him and he won’t be able to handle that. I am not able to understand the wait time and even after that if he says suddenly to go and get another guy, I’ll be nowhere. This is how complicated my situation is.
For this specific issue ‘court marriage during covid’, if you look at it from his angle it’s has its logic and reasoning specially after a loved one in the family has already been impacted.
Are your parents ready now?
Are you planning to take a break as you decided or something changed there?
Difficulties making decisions is a part and parcel of life. How to get married is a very small decision compared to who to get married to. Marriage customs are just for a day but marriage lasts a lifetime(hopefully).
If we step into his shoes, aren’t his concerns about a bigger wedding at this point logical specially as someone in his family was impacted? Who you marry is a much more important decision than how grand the wedding is?
Have you changed your plans to take a break and test the waters and think through the potential future in that household?
I am not demanding a bigger wedding. I am demanding to get married. To me signing a paper and living with a person will be not acceptable. Even if I accept it today, I’ll regret it laterfor the rest of my life.
He called up several times and also making an effort to meet me. I have not forgotten the behaviour, but m giving him Benefit of doubt due to the family problems. I’ll further watch his actions and behaviour closely to see if I can fully rely upon him for the future.
I understand, so a small wedding with Hindu-Jain rituals with few people could be an option. Yes, definitely watch for the actions and set new ground rules of what will be or won’t be acceptable to you. Keep in touch!
Anisha, this is such a difficult situation! I can understand the pain and dilemma you are going through.
‘Who to marry’ Is the most important decision one makes in their lifetime, and it decides quality of life for majority of one’s lifetime.
In this situations I’d say :Take a step back from everyone emotionally both family and boyfriend for a 3-5 days. In this time, do what you love. This could be anything: from cooking – to music – to painting ,just avoid outside emotional additives such as emotional movies, news etc. These few days will help you get into a more balanced mind-frame.
Once you get there, try role playing how your life could be in both scenarios realistically. Then, think about pros-cons of both options. Then, make your decision. Once you make a decision, be firm and strong.
In life we make decisions every second. It’s just some decisions are hard as we lose too much. But they have to be made regardless and we need to move on, and practice gratitude for what we have.
Loads of love and strength to you!
Aditi
As admin told me to refer your case. Kindly send me the link in the reply.
https://interfaithshaadi.org/hindu-fell-muslim-boy-college/
They are adamant. They do not want to even talk about him. They didn’t not want to know him, earlier when I told them about him, I tho8 atleast they would make an attempt to know him, his qualities and then dvdn if they reject him, I would accept that, but no n the basis of caste is unacceptable to me.
My partener can support us financially. He has a good job but I am afraid if that much is even sufficient you live our peaceful life bcoz when I told about him to my family, they are like- he won’t b able to support you in such expensive city with such pay. My partner is working really hard and he has got work assignments for abroad too. His pay is also not what I had wished for in my life partner but that would gradually increase. His family background is not strong as his father is not physically fit. But I know this guy will work it out. When I told my parents about him then everyday they point out a new flaw in him like – his family is not strong, u are highly manglik and get us a non manglik so he will die, he does not earn enough to support you two in such expensive city, we won’t be able to give aahar to maharaj, Kya muh dikhaenge sabko, nobody has ever done inter caste in our family history, why you?..
My father says that m never going to go their home. He asks what will you say when others ask you there that why didn’t your family ever visit you in any occasion.. all this bullshit. They do not care about me. They care only for their reputation. As u said, saying yes to get to see other guys, then there will be their prestige issue. They would say- ab unlocked Kya bolenge, Jo rishta lae unko Kya bolenge ki Kyu na hai.. I know I can get more qualified educated and financially strong guy with financially strong family.
But despite having financially strong family, my mother has always suffered in thus joint family. I want to take my life’s decision on my own. I do not want to regret bciz of their decision rather I would take my decisions and let whatever happens (If he is with me, I know, I won’t regret). As my mother says that he will die, u won’t have much to make a living etc etc. I just pray that God please do not make even 1% of this true. Moreover m alone in this battle, none of my siblings are supporting but they do not oppose either bcoz they know that they can’t win over.
I am not able to take any bold steps now bcoz I love my mother. She has suffered a lot but I have already threatened them that if they continue doing things like this and saying me things like this then I will take any such step for which both of us might regret later, so do not force me. I have even told them that u just want to get me married to Jain then get me married and then u are free of my responsibility, then I will do whatever I want, will then be your naak maintain it’s place?..
I do not want to get into heated argument but any discussion finally leads to that only. I am scared of having any discussion with my father about him, he also doesn’t. He has got this feeling that I have gone stubborn. I do not know what to do to make them understand of their insecurities? Also, it is very tough to keep up this (+)ve feeling that they might understand.
P.S. – before letting me threaten that I would run, their verdict came that – do whatever you want and then we are nobody to you… This fear of society is making me go crazy.
Dear Anisha,
We feel your pain. Parents don’t realize that they don’t own their children, but only that children came to this world via them (parents). It is time parents have to learn to respect their adult children.
This is total bullshit, “a non manglik so he will die”. This is just superstition and a way to scare you. Don’t even think for a second such nonsense.
We are glad he is educated and earning. That is good enough, you do not have to marry someone rich. Actually, someone who is educated and working hard to make living is better than the other who has inherited millions and is lazy. Based on what you have described so far, we do not see any issue what so ever about your boy friend and his family. Only issue on your parents’ side is their prestige in the society. That something they have to learn to live with and must swallow their pride.
Even parents may say they will never come to your home etc, it is quite likely that all this will change after the marriage, especially after your have grandchildren for them. We are least worried about this point.
Rome was not built in a day. Give some time for the parents to come to reality of life. So far, they assumed that you will never do this. Currently they are fighting to make you change your mind. Once they realize that now they lost the battle (means you are stubborn and going to marry him), they may soften down. So give them time, but don’t expect them to change over night.
Play cool but firm. Don’t fight but rationally argue with smile (if you can). Keep it up!
They are adamant. They do not want to even talk about him. They didn’t not want to know him, earlier when I told them about him, I tho8 atleast they would make an attempt to know him, his qualities and then dvdn if they reject him, I would accept that, but no n the basis of caste is unacceptable to me. My partener can support us financially. He has a good job but I am afraid if that much is even sufficient you live our peaceful life bcoz when I told about him to my family, they are like- he won’t b able to support you in such expensive city with such pay. My partner is working really hard and he has got work assignments for abroad too. His pay is also not what I had wished for in my life partner but that would gradually increase. His family background is not strong as his father is not physically fit. But I know this guy will work it out. When I told my parents about him then everyday they point out a new flaw in him like – his family is not strong, u are highly manglik and get us a non manglik so he will die, he does not earn enough to support you two in such expensive city, we won’t be able to give aahar to maharaj, Kya muh dikhaenge sabko, nobody has ever done inter caste in our family history, why you?.. My father says that m never going to go their home. He asks what will you say when others ask you there that why didn’t your family ever visit you in any occasion.. all this bullshit. They do not care about me. They care only for their reputation. As u said, saying yes to get to see other guys, then there will be their prestige issue. They would say- ab unlocked Kya bolenge, Jo rishta lae unko Kya bolenge ki Kyu na hai.. I know I can get more qualified educated and financially strong guy with financially strong family. But despite having financially strong family, my mother has always suffered in thus joint family. I want to take my life’s decision on my own. I do not want to regret bciz of their decision rather I would take my decisions and let whatever happens (If he is with me, I know, I won’t regret). As my mother says that he will die, u won’t have much to make a living etc etc. I just pray that God please do not make even 1% of this true. Moreover m alone in this battle, none of my siblings are supporting but they do not oppose either bcoz they know that they can’t win over. I am not able to take any bold steps now bcoz I love my mother. She has suffered a lot but I have already threatened them that if they continue doing things like this and saying me things like this then I will take any such step for which both of us might regret later, so do not force me. I have even told them that u just want to get me married to Hain then get me married and then u are free of my responsibility, then I will do whatever I want, will then be your naak maintain it’s place?.. I do not want to get into heated argument but any discussion finally leads to that only. I am scared of having any discussion with my father about him, he also doesn’t. He hss got this feeling that I have gone stubborn. I do not know what to do to make them understand of their insecurities? Also, it is very tough to keep up this (+)ve feeling that they might understand.
Man this is crazy i thought Jains and marwadi hindus are quite similar so there is no problem in marraige between them so i guess i am wrong.
Reply at https://interfaithshaadi.org/?p=13710
Gokusan,
Even they are Dharmics, but different faiths. It is like Shia and Sunni!!
Sorry to say admin sunni and shia are not different faiths they are muslims first and foremost…
Same here too, Jains and Hindus are Dharmics first and foremost!!
Only difference is… thousands have been killed in religious conflicts between Sunni and Shia; including currently in Iran/Saudi, Syria, Iraq, Amman, Afghanistan and Pakistan. Gokusan, please help us finding out how many have been killed in wars between Hindus and Jains in name of God? Please do search and let us know, thank you.
Reply at https://interfaithshaadi.org/?p=13710
Admin i know a bit about religion where there is no religious diff in Islam but it is not the case here even the girl admitted it too.
We asked you to do some search and find facts about wars/killing between Hindus and Jains. Instead of that you wrote something that we don’t understand. Can you explain and also answer our question? Please.
Reply at https://interfaithshaadi.org/?p=13710
Gokusan,
Muslim can go any extent for their religion irrespective of Shia and Sunni whether good mulsim or bad muslim. For them their parents or motherland is less than their religion. That’s why muslims are liability for entire earth. They lives with the help of non-mulsims.
Krish bro yes for us religion comes first and the teachings of our religion is fight for your coutry’s well being , love it and support it and i think our country have provided me with security, love and respect so if i go against my country when it does not prohibit me from my religion then i will be doing a grave sin. As for parents you know in our religion heaven is under the feet of mother so you have to respect her and love her even if your opinions do not match you have love and respect your parents , for me they are the gateway of heaven and if i treat them like shit then no matter how much i observe rituals it will all go in vain.
As far as living and lifestyle is concerned, they are very much similar. Even their marwardi language is similar. But as far as gods and religion is concerned, they are very different.
Dear Anisha,
We are not concerned at all about “as far as gods and religion is concerned, they are very different.” We agree that Jainism and Hinduism are different faiths. However, as far we know you, you are not a religious (Jain) fanatic. As far they don’t ask you to convert (meaning no more Jain) or stop you from teaching about Jainism to your children, we do not see religious related issue in your married life.
Request your boy friend’s family to do little more on Jain side till marriage time to gain trust from your Jain parents. For example, if your parents ask for a Jain only style marriage, then ask them to settle for it. If they must have another Hindu Vivaha, you may have a second marriage later with a very few family members. Like we said in our book, interfaith marriage has to be sharing and respecting two faiths with equality (50%-50% or 30%-70%).
Thanks admin for your advice. It was good to have an unbiased opinion. As far as giving them time is concerned, I am ready for it but this time factor will have an effect on my job, my ambition & my desire to face challenges as I am about to be 28. Thanks for your wonderful advice.
To be fair to your parents, how can you expect them to change their life dreams within days? For past 27+ years, they had a vision to marry you off to a Jain, and thing wrong with this. You wrote this month that “I had to rush into telling about him to my parents” and you are expecting parents to accept that fact in just a month or so? Six months is minimal and up to a year is reasonable time for someone to accept such a big shock.
Have you thought of pain and suffering your parents are going through (for what ever reason)? They live in a close society and their society, for good or bad, has certain norms and unwritten laws. We are not saying that, for the sake of parents, you marry to someone whom you don’t want to, but at least we ask to have patience. If you were a Muslim, we would be worrying about honor-killing by parents, at least that is not even a thought we get with Jain parents. How wonderful your faith is?
You are 28 and you will have chance of working and serving society till your age 75+ so have little patience.
28? Yes, we sensed that you are well matured and have thought through well. We do not have problem with your selected life mate or your plans. We are also okay if you give temporary pain and suffering to your your parents but with a clear goal of making them most happy after your marriage to the guy. This will be a win-win for all. We feel, you tell them (at a right time) that you are going to marry the guy in X months. After that, be respectful to them and listen to them. You open your mouth only to make a logical and rational point (and with smile). We feel in due time, when they realized that you are not going to change and they may/will cave in. Best wishes.
Hi Anisha,
It is too sad that parents are not open minded and stuck in their old thinkings. It was your mistake to give up your job. This will make you weak for what you want to do in life. Now you are totally dependent on parents and will have to dance at their tune. We understand if you are living in a small town and do not have much choices left but to follow parents wishes.
Do you think you can go against your parents (with assumption that later you will make up with them)? If not, are you okay marrying to a guy of parent’s choice?
No. I do not want to go as per my parents choice. In past too, they have taken decisions with respect to joint family ( recently we have divided) which has always make us suffer. We have suffered there for no reason and I do not feel ashamed of saying that they never even attempted to make their life or our life better. I know they will select a good life partner for me having better financial status than the person I am in love with. They are scared about others knowing of this considering- naak Kat jaegi and kahiin muh dikhane layak ni rahenge. So all they have is this big prestige issue. I do not want to elope, if I do, there is negligible chance that they would accept me. He is ready to wait. Even his family is there to support court marriage. What escalates situation at times is when relatives bring good marriage prospects for me. They do not make an attempt to proceed but force me emotionally to change my mind. How to make them to consider my way against their thinking about making me understand them. I do not want to elope cuz however they might be, they are my parents. Another issue is, I want to continue my job so should I wait for them to get pacify more or should I elope, if yes, will it make situation unresolvable?. I get frustrated sitting idle at home.
Yes, this “naak Kat jaegi” is a big issue. However parents don’t see what their children are going through. We highly recommend all today’s youths to continue your job, even after marriage. This will give you strength to do that is right. Yes, sitting home will drive you crazy.
Can you go meet two three guys they are recommending? If one of them is really superb, you may have to settle there for the sake of “society”. If you don’t find any one any close to your wishes, then try the below.
Another trick you can use is to tell your parents that you will run away and marry this guy in next 6 months (even you do not mean it). Also start telling such to your close relatives. Let them boil all over and do all hungama. Ultimately, they will come to terms (may be!).
Is your lover well educated? Can he support your married life if you do not work; and without help of his family? Make sure your decision of life partner is based on practicality and not just “blind” love.
Your parents still loves you but the problem is–they think they are doing all these for your good. That may be or not true. Best is to have open and honest discussion with them and without loosing temper, like adults do. This is win-win for all, if you can do with them. Best wishes.
Admin as you said-Make sure your decision of life partner is based on practicality and not just “blind” love.
I would like to say that- yes, this is not blind love. Even if it is blind, it’s better than blind Faith. If the love is blind, it’s only me who will face consequences, but when the faith is blind then people make others to face consequences. Like my parents coz bcoz of this faith of religion and fear of society, neither they are happy or at peace now they are letting me to live in peace.
Jainism is a great religion and we have high respect for it. There is nothing fundamentally flowed in the faith. However, it is normal for most parents not to accept someone from other faith. Even parents may not accept someone whom you picked (even Jain) because they may have a different vision for your life mate. Actually we do not blame your parents because all your life (20 some years), you always gave them impression that you will marry only a guy picked by them (and Jain only). It is a matter of shock for parents now; for this reason, give them some time to adapt to this new reality of life. If you remain firm in your position, it is possible they may soften down in 6 months. Please give them time, please.
Dear admin,
It’s been 6 months since I have told them about him and it’s the same time duration since I am at home,leaving my job. I am not asking them to get married me right away. Even if it takes 5 years, m ready to wait. But they want me to sit at home even though they know that he does not live in the same city where I work.
Hi Anisha,
You are 28 and this… “they want me to sit at home” … is not acceptable. You are not their property nor a slave. You have legal rights as an adult. Why don’t you find a job and start working? Go for it! Parents must realize that you are now an adult to make your own decisions. For marriage with the guy, what ever you decide, you MUST decide and finalize in next 6 months. What ever you decide, you should/would not regret in your life. Best wishes.
Feeling sad for you Anisha.
Thanks Admin for such a nice advice.
Really sentimental right now after reading complete discussion sharing the same story of me(marwari) and my gf(jain). She is at home from last 4 months and disconnected from any type of contact from me. My parents are ready even if I choose to convert to jainism. Completely blank in thoughts and criminal mind with no way out.
Admin is there any way to connect with a jain monk and ask him to understand the issue and suggest me the way out, this may convince her parents that what we are doing is not criminal.
Yes, try it with your local derasar, but don’t expect them to support you.