This article is written to convey a message to Dharmics about interfaith marriages.
As the former president of a Balvihar (Sunday school), the author only regrets one point of our collective inaction: though we taught our kids about our religion, we failed to teach them the practical aspects of interacting with young people from other faiths. In the Western world, it is quite common for new adults to date those from other faiths during their college years, and consequently it should come as no surprise that about a third of our young generation of Hindus, Jains, Sikhs, and Buddhists marry a person from outside of these Dharmic faith traditions. In almost all cases where a non-Dharmic life partner is selected, the decision is made by Dharmic new adults without pre-emptive advice, guidance, or consultation with their parents.
As cited in this article, religious differences could bring complexities to their married life, starting with an “unintended” religious conversion of Dharmic and their progeny to the faith of their spouse. Further, divorce rates in interfaith marriages are higher compared to within the same faith marriages. For these reasons, it is increasingly important for new adults to understand potential complications before entering into a serious relationship.
While interfaith relationships should develop based on a mutual respect for religious diversity, sometimes major differences in fundamental beliefs pose difficulties in finding a common ground. Dharmics carry a pluralistic and tolerant attitude that all faiths help you attain God, and everyone should respect not only their own religion, but other religions as well. But this tolerant attitude is not universal. Many families belonging to Christianity, Islam, and Judaism (Abrahamics) believe in the supremacy of their monotheistic dogma. Their holy books reject what they consider polytheistic beliefs. For example, Hindus believe that the Ultimate Reality can be worshiped in many forms (Saguna Brahman), but this recognition and practice is forbidden in Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, and poses a serious issue when it comes to puja or worship (which is considered very bad idol-worship by Abrahamics).
In another example, Islam forbids marriage with a non-believer (in Allah). Non-believers are expected to convert to Islam by taking the shahadah oath; the declaration that there is no God but Allah and Mohammad is his apostle. A similar practice also exists in some Christian sects where there is often intense pressure from family members and the clergy to perform a religious conversion of a Dharmic by baptism before the church wedding. An uninformed Dharmic will only discover the oftentimes unmentioned expectation of religious conversion after years of being in a romantic relationship. At this point, reluctantly accepting the religious conversion may be the only way of averting a marital gridlock.
Religious conversion may be a matter of just a brief ceremony, but do not underestimate this ritual as a trivial matter. Taking this oath will set a tone for your life and your children’s lives. You will soon find out that the conversion was not just a matter of satisfying the sentimental obsession of the parents-in-law, but a binding commitment guarded by every member of the new community. As per the shahadah oath, you will be forbidden to display an image of Goddess Laxmi or Lord Ganesh, or any other deity in your own home since associating partners with Allah is the greatest of all sins. Offering prayers or supplications to anyone, living or dead, is an unpardonable sin. Furthermore, attempting to later reclaim yourself as a Dharmic, even after talaak (divorce), could be punishable by death or life imprisonment by some Middle Eastern countries’ laws. Therefore, one should be prepared to accept conversion to a new religion as a serious and irreversible process.
Most conflicts in inter-religious marriages will surface after you have children. For Abrahamics, it is vital that children from their marriage follow only the rules of their individual holy book. A Muslim spouse and the community may demand your kids have sunat (religious circumcision) and bear only an Arabic name. A Jewish person may not ask for a religious conversion for the spouse but may want bris circumcision to declare the Jewish faith for the child. A Christian spouse may require baptism of children and require them (and you too) to attend church every Sunday, while you may wish to take your child to the Mandir or Balvihar. Another major consideration is about the expectation for family planning. The author learned of a case where an Ahmedabadi young woman already had five children because her Catholic husband did not believe in birth control. Did she know and realize the consequences of her interfaith relationship while dating in college?
One may want to believe that marriage is a secular act and not a religious one. Unfortunately, some religious leaders and communities would like to use the wedding as a tool for their ambition of religious expansion. This author learned of a case in Boston where without the shahadah and Islamic wedding (nikaah), a local imam denounced the wedding and most Muslim relatives did not attend the wedding reception party. In almost all cases of a Hindu-Muslim marriage in which both Muslim and Hindu ceremonies are performed, the religious conversion to Islam (shahadah) is performed first. Then it is followed by the Muslim wedding ceremony (nikaah) and after that by the Hindu ceremony (vivaha).
Similarly, in many church weddings declaration of faith to Christianity is a mandatory requirement. Therefore, technically speaking, after conversion to Islam or Christian faith has been performed, the Hindu ceremony is totally superfluous oxymoron because it is a Muslim-to-Muslim or Christian-to-Christian wedding performed by a Hindu priest! In such a wedding, do celebrating Hindus really know what they are celebrating?
While investigating the possibility of a relationship with those from other religions, be sure to find out if there is going to be any pressure on you to convert by performing BBS (Baptism, Bris, Shahadah/Sunat) and raise your future kids as Abrahamics from not just your future life partner, but also from his or her family members and religious community. The BBS as shown in Figure 1 and used throughout this book is not a hollow ritual devoid of meaning. It is an affirmation of conversion to an Abrahmic religion. If a couple is looking for an interfaith marriage with equality, it is a good idea not to put a religious label on the children from such marriage.
Figure 1: Abrahamic Conversion Ceremonies
Not all Abrahamics impose their religious beliefs and practices on their spouse, but it is very important to find out the facts sooner than later. It is also important to note that despite all the potential marital pitfalls, a successful and fulfilling inter-religious marriage is possible, ideally by not imposing one’s religious beliefs on the other partner. A similar message has been given in Jodhaa Akbar, Gadar, and Namastey London movies. Bollywood stars Kareena Kapoor and Saif Ali Khan kept the religions out and got married by a civil wedding, and it is an admirable act. If someone you are dating cannot show you this same respect and expects you to forsake your own religion for marriage, even just in name sake, you must ask yourself if you are prepared to tolerate the intolerance being practiced against you.
Before entering into a relationship, one should have an open dialogue about religious expectations (especially regarding conversion) and recognize the far-reaching consequences. Though dealing with this issue early on will obviously be important for the well being of the couple, it will also be a significant issue for their children, not to mention the couple’s extended families who take pride in preserving their religious and cultural traditions that have been passed down through many generations. Well-informed and well thought out decisions for selecting a life mate will certainly bring long lasting happiness in a married life, even if it is an interfaith marriage. Most importantly, you want to make sure you will have the freedom to follow your traditions and raise your children to do the same without threats to this liberty from your spouse and his or her relatives.
A Chapter from the book Interfaith Marriages: Share and Respect with Equality is posted here. View some of others chapters from the book here.
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2.7: Religious Conversions for Marriage