In next two Sections, some talking points for interfaith dating couples are discussed.
More and more new adults are making friends and engaging in interfaith relationships leading to marriage, sometimes without realizing the complexities associated with their decision. No one is perfect, but one can improve the chances of a happy and long lasting marriage by making informed decisions. Here are some pointers in the order of ascending importance:
10) Face Value: It is very important to look at how he or she dresses, speaks, and interacts with others, as well as his/her compatibility with you. Here, it is also important to learn to differentiate between an inexperienced dater who may be genuinely interested in you from a “professional” dater who knows how to impress you. Some professional daters may have an evangelical objective for engaging you in a friendship.
9) Upbringing: It is important to learn much more about a person than the “face value.” A person is defined by what he or she has learned during their lifetime, especially during childhood. Pay special attention to childhood activities, especially religious ones, and think about how his/her experiences will impact your life.
8) Divorces in family: According to research done at Rutgers University divorce risk triples if one marries someone who comes from a family that has experienced divorce.
7) Family background: In this day and age, it would be a good idea to check out your new friend’s information from web searches , and find out what type of family and background this person comes from.
6) Novelty: Remember that novelty, by its very nature, is short lived. Be honest and decide whether you find the religious practices of your partner interesting as a novelty or really understand and accept the reasons and meaning behind the rituals?
5) Opinion of family members: Before you are too deep into a relationship, consult your best friends and older siblings or cousins. Keep an open mind to their comments and advice, and think about their implications and relevance to your new relationship now and in the future. Also, involve your parents now, before it is too late to reverse your decision.
4) Roots: People tend to return to their roots as they age. Ponder how your life mate will remain compatible and tolerant of your religious faith, culture, lifestyle and food habits as you grow older and raise your children.
3) Compatibility of your communities: Remember, a marriage is not only a union of two individuals, but to some extent, a union of two extended families and communities. If two sets of parents/in-laws cannot stand each other for even two hours in one room, or if the two communities are at odds, it will bring aggravation and tension later in life.
2) Ability to follow religious vows: Promise only what you mean. For example, do not take shahadah oath for nikaah (Islamic marriage) or accept baptism ritual before a Christian wedding just to please your spouse’s parents without fully understanding the meaning of the oath. Be prepared to follow it. Do not lie. A married life based on misleading promises or vows will face serious challenges later in life.
1) Religion of children: This is the most important point to consider for any interfaith relationship. Discuss the expectations of which one of the two religions the children will follow, especially any insistence on Baptism, Bris, bar/bat mitzvah or Shahadah/sunat (BBS). Even if you have a secular outlook without any religious preference, you should be alarmed by an expectation that your children will follow your spouse’s religion, not yours. You must be wary of whether the person has a fundamentalist streak.
A Chapter from the book Interfaith Marriages: Share and Respect with Equality is posted here. View some of others chapters from the book here.
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How to purchase the book (as low as Rs.270 or $14.99).
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